To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

I don’t really agree with you op. You can’t dictate who your friends are friends with. Your enemies are yours alone it’s very immature to expect people to take sides. And he’s clearly blocked you not as he thinks you won’t notice, but as he doesn’t wish to cause you pain.

the fact you’re unwilling to articulate the issue you have tells us that you know peoples reactions wouldn’t be positive to you.

What makes you think he thinks you’d not notice and that’s what it was about. He didn’t wish to share the images of them with you. For obvious reasons.

I’m not sure I’d even respond but you’re in so deep you have to. But you need to end it. Asap. The fact you’re on here shows it’s affecting you.

You could write:

‘this situation has got beyond where I think it’s healthy or honest for all parties involved. If you’re ever moving to (insert your part of the world) get in touch but as that’s not going to happen now or in the foreseeable future, we both need to quit holding onto a dream that’s never going to play out. it’s better for both of us to commit to one to one relationships going forward.”

You're also assuming he's trying to hide the fact she went to the wedding with him.

Of course he's not. If he was trying to hide it he wouldn't have put it on Instagram at all.

He blocked you to stop you commenting and let's face it, you must've known she'd be there as that's obviously what you'd fallen out about, 2 days before the wedding.

Do you bring it up? Or do you pretend you've not seen it and carry on as normal? Because after all your friend is entitled to hang out with who she likes?

You say yourself - your friend is entitled to hang out with whoever they like - so why would you bring it up and why would you have such an issue with it?

Its your choice not to be friends with this woman but he obviously chooses different and that’s that, no discussion needed.

The fact that he had to hide it from you, suggests that this would have been a cause of conflict and so he did what he thought was best.

You need to give us more details on why you have an issue with a woman you’ve never even met, to fully understand your POV.
You obviously think you have some sort of right to feel the way you do all because of this woman but we can’t side with you unless we know what the issue is.

Right now you are just coming across as jealous (not being nasty there’s nothing wrong with feeling like that).

You have a non-exclusive relationship. So you don't get a say in who else he sees.

The argument was 2 days before the wedding. He could hardly uninvite her at that point, especially in view of the above.

You have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. So you can't reasonably be angry about him not telling you. In blocking the photos and not mentioning her, he's abiding by what you've agreed.

If you want an exclusive, tell-all relationship that's perfectly reasonable. But that's not what you're agreed to.

I am not revealing the story because it's very very identifying and her and I have mutual friends on here.

But she can dump him. Don't forget that option.

OMG criiiinge!

So you've posted this in the hope it'll get back to him? 🙈

You need to move on from him and stop all this.

He clearly has.

And she should be she’s still talking about stories and the OW 🙄

You need to give us more details on why you have an issue with a woman you’ve never even met, to fully understand your POV.

She really doesn't need to give us more details.

He can do what he wants, but so can OP.

There is no way of it getting back to him 😂😂😂😂

I've changed a ton of details on here. There's no way anyone would spot it.

I can't find a good way to change the example of what the issue is with her though, to not identify who she is.

Sounds like he got there first to be honest.

You can't have it both ways. If you want to have your cake and eat it and be non-exclusive, so be it. But you can hardly complain when he is doing the same. If that is the case, then neither of you owes the other an explanation. So you shouldn't be arguing with him over any woman he is seeing outside of you (and vice versa).

You sound like you have developed some feelings for him and this is clouding your judgement. Personally I would take a step back as I think someone is going to get hurt and that person will be you. He has no qualms about telling you what you want to hear even if that means lying to you, so that would put me off him as he's not being open and honest in his dealings with you, just deceitful in order to get what he wants out of the relationship with you. Also the last thing you want is to fall pregnant in a situation like you're in (obviously that's a risk in all relationships but this one sounds more complicated then a simple NSA arrangement - so double down on your protection until you decide what you are doing moving forward).

Even though it sounds like it was fun once, it sounds like it's getting complicated because of feelings/emotions becoming involved.

Regarding what to say, I would be calm and just say that I see that you took X as your plus one and travelled there with her, etc. and you don't appreciate being lied to and strung along and told that he wanted you to be there as you both know that's a lie, and see what his response is. But being calm is the key. Alternatively I would cut him him off, but tell him why first (if that gives you some closure).

Agreed. OP is another example of a young woman with low self esteem hoping to claw back some crumbs from an unhealthy self sabotaging relationship.

The fact that you know she has mutual friends on here means you know her, quite well then.

Well it's not something bad against you as you said you don't haven't even met. Also someone walking his niece down the aisle isnt that common and mutual friends telling you about her and that you're a teacher who returns home twice a year for a couple of months means all combined, you've already outed yourself if you have mutuals on here.

Pull the other one. You have no genuine reason other than jealousy do you.

No of course she doesn’t need to but without the back story then no one is going to side with her.

Of course even after the back story we may not see her POV, as I can’t think what this women could have done that would make OP dislike her so much.

But it’s big enough to be annoyed over the situation and to start a thread over it and so there’s got to be a pretty big back story.

Except he hasn't. He messaged OP to say 'the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc.'

So OP should dump him.

Well of course. That's probably the best course of action.

My point is that if you agree to terms and conditions A you can't criticise someone for not behaving according to terms and conditions B.

You can say you're not happy with A and want B in future (whether B is an exclusive relationship or no relationship - and if the former he can agree or not). But it's unreasonable to angry that someone has done exactly what you said you wanted.

You want a no strings attached relationship with a man so you are in such a relationship but don't like it when he behaves like he is in a NSA relationship with you?

Or am I missing something?

Time to move on I think.

You are non exclusive - there's no relationship there.

Sorry OP. But this whole thing is absolutely insane and sounds like high school drama.

Either, tell him exactly how you feel. Or do nothing.

These are your only sensible choices really. Then move on, he’s not the one for you. Friends don’t block each other and keep secrets. So he’s not a good friend either.

This actually gives a lot more context for me, and I can now understand where you're coming from. I think it would make me feel different about the friend tbh and I'd want to pull back. So I'd suggest you do the same. He's not done anything wrong, but it's hurt you, so for your own sake you should stop putting yourself in a position where you can get hurt by him. No need to have a big discussion, and I certainly wouldn't be bringing up hiding IG stories, it seems childish. You just need to say the arrangement no longer works for you.

But you're not in a relationship with this man, so why do you care who he took to the wedding?

I don't understand why you even care. He isn't your boyfriend. He's just a man you sometimes have sex with.

It's the woman he took to the wedding who ought to be concerned IMO. Does she know about you, or any other women he goes out with?