Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

There is no way I would gift a regular sum, they may make other plans for their money and factor this in. If something happens such as redundancy or illness and you have to stop the payments they may have made other commitments.

Kind but possibly shortsighted.

You are lovely, OP, and I'd like to think I'd be the same if I'm in a financial position to do so. What's the point of leaving it for the inheritance if the kids need it now? I think more people should treat their kids now rather than wait until they pop their clogs.
Life is a bit topsy-turvy in so many ways - we often need most help when your kids are still at home.

I’d make the offer and then leave them to discuss it privately.

Please adopt me you wonderful person

That's amazing. I'd sob if someone did that for us. As long as you are certain it won't leave you short - go for it.

What a lovely thing to do, if I was in a position to do this when my children are grown then I would absolutely without a second thought. My mum and grandmother often help out with our children's expenses and I'm beyond grateful, it lightens the load massively, things are hard with young children.

You are doing a huge amount already by saving them nursery fees. 3 days a week is in my area is £300 a week = £1200 a month.

I hate to sound like a party pooper but they did choose to have children (I know two are twins) at a young age - by the age of 28- which is very expensive given they are not high earners.

We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Yes, it is coming over as being a bit controlling and babying them rather than helping them make good financial decisions.

That £600 a month is around £9K gross a year- that's what you're adding to their annual income.

Maybe it would be better to save the money each month and in a year say you'd like to help them clear some debt?

I think giving money each month means they may feel beholden to you - it may come over as a bit overbearing.

If their mortgage is £700 a month yet a car loan and expensive lessons for one child come to almost as much £600) - is that good budgeting on their behalf?

Do they have a 'savings mentality' or are they always hand to mouth?

I agree
There's also something rather infantilising about giving your adult son a monthly allowance.
I would do all the financial planning I mentioned above and then decide on a sum .
That allows you to consider your circumstances each year without commitingand them becoming reliant .
Awkward conversation and so much potential for fall out otherwise

I don't think they've necessarily made any poor choices financially.
The choice to have children while younger was in response to a medical condition DIL has, I think they felt a little bit "now or never".

The car could be cheaper if they bought older but there really isn't that many you can get 3 rear facing car seats in a row for, they got rid of their second car to make this work.

I think swimming is a life skill, their oldest DD is very shy and got overwhelmed and panicky in group lessons, normally that would be ok but a anxious pre-schooler panicking in water is just an accident waiting to happen.

Like I said they are getting by fine right now, they never ask to borrow, can afford holidays etc.

I just want to give them some breathing room is all.

I am not sure why it is a bad idea. It is very loving and nice. Maybe if for some reason you’ll have to stop and it will upset them? Maybe best to give big cash lump sum once a year instead 🤷‍♀️

also make sure you have enough for your care down the line, as it would be hard for your son if it financially falls on him

you sound lovely but if they are on three holidays a year they don't really need 'breathing room' do they?

Amazing. Do it. They are very lucky!

And my mum rang me (a single parent on a low wage) the other day on my birthday just to ask to borrow money 😂

OP you sound lovely.

I wonder if it would be better to pay their mortgage instead or part of it.

It would be a huge help to them, it would be beneficial for the entire family, it’s an investment for them and it won’t cause any issues.

Using the money for a car may cause issues if the car breaks down or they want a new one or something.
And using it for the hobby may cause issues if the hobby ends or they want to do something else/ the others want some.

I guess it depends how you look at it, we also have 3 holidays a year, and have significantly more breathing room than they do.

All I mean is I want them to be able to live life to the fullest and they can do whatever they like with the extra money, save, mortgage whatever. I just want to make life even easier (if we want to say they already have it easy).

I just want to give them some breathing room is all.

You are doing that already by saving them nursery fees. And restricting your own life quite considerably.

You risk (as another poster said) infantilising him.
I'd feel embarrassed as a 28 year old to be receiving an allowance from my parents.

I'd feel happy and grateful to get the £3K annual gift, or a voucher for term's swimming lessons.

I think you are transferring your mothering emotions to him and his family, which is understandable, but it comes over as a bit suffocating, even though meant well.

How are we restricting our lives?

We help our adult children out. Not a set amount but pay for stuff. I think your son will be really grateful.

Well, it's only my opinion of course but if you do 3 days of childcare a week and 2 days at work, then it doesn't leave you much time for your own hobbies or friends.

You're still very young as a grandparent and many people your age are working not out of need for money but for other reasons.

Have you thought about contributing towards their childcare accounts (if they have them). It’s something my parents did as it makes a huge difference to us each month, gains government top up and isn’t hit by inheritance tax.

Lots of my friends also have grandchildren, on Tuesday and Thursday we all meet up take the kids to soft play or park. But more than that, I adore my grandchildren, they are the highlight of my week and I'd take them over friends any day! It's not a burden having them it's a privilege and I'm so glad my son and his wife trust me enough to allow me to have them!

As a fellow couple in their 50's please prioritise your own pensions first. You could/should deposit up to £60K/your salary into your pension for example.

Otherwise, carry on - it's not much different to us paying DS(20)'s uni rent/bills of £600pcm for him.

I think that if it was me, I would just gift my child £2k at Christmas/birthday and deposit £50pcm for each GC into their JISA's. I would continue paying for the annual family holiday and treat the GC throughout the year as normal.

Personally, I was pretty grateful/happy for my parents to take my DC shoe shopping in the summer holidays when they were little because leather school shoes at Clarkes/Start Rite/Doc Martens isn't cheap for multiple children!

don let opinions of people who think “they don’t need breathing room” deter you. What do they know? And even if they don’t NEED it, its just a nice thing to do anyway

you should only be worried about this spoiling your relationship with them in any way and bankrupting yourself in the process

You sound absolutely wonderful. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it a whole lot - perhaps just don’t tell other family members about it? That might embarrass them.

I think that’s the only criticism I can give on the situation. I’d have been so appreciative if I had some help. Always struggling from month end to month end is no joke.
And.. you’ll get to see them enjoy that bit of financial space, which I’m sure will give you a lot of joy.

DH and his brother each get this amount a month from PIL; it’s an inheritance tax minimisation thing as they are over the threshold and it’s coming out of their huge pensions which they say they can’t spend. From our perspective we don’t take it for granted and we are clear it could stop at any time eg if it was needed for care fees. Perhaps just put some caveats around it so if you need to stop it for any reason it’s not a huge shock.

I understand that but what you need to watch out for is if your family don' t need you as much down the line and you go through another type of 'empty nesting'.

I'm afraid you do come across as over-involved and parenting your grandchildren as much is now a sub for being a Mum yourself.

Most of my friends weren't Grans till well into their 60s and were enjoying 'time for themselves' and still working before grandchildren came along.

It's your choice but it sounds a little as if you need to loosen the apron strings a bit.