Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

OP,
you haven’t said much in regards to your retirement plans and projected retirement income. You’ve said your joint income is £4K a month, with £2k outgoings, leaving £1k “personal savings” after the £600/mo is paid. But then you talk about family holidays that you foot the bill for and Christmas- so that £1k doesn’t sound like it is going into any pension savings.

While giving your son £600/mo, essentially paying most of their £700 mortgage, is a nice thing to do on the surface you are enabling them to live beyond their means. £700/mo for a family home is very very cheap, the average rent on a 3 bedroom is around £1300 pcm in the U.K.

Can you genuinely afford this? Have you sat down and projected your retirement dates and expected income vs the outgoings after future inflation?

It won’t do any good to spend all this money now and then be destitute and your son will have to support you when his DC are starting out in life and need his help then. Your son is almost 30, he really should not be getting a regular income from you imho.

This.

@DiddlySquatSquat

While I take your points on board. You don't really have any idea what my relationship with my child or grandchildren is like. I'm fully prepared for them going to school (and may add an extra day at work if it comes up when they do).
I don't enjoy time to myself, I can do my hobbies with my grandchildren and on weekends (gardening, tennis etc).

I'm the youngest of my core friends (54-60) so we are all in the same boat.

Don't worry about me please - I've never been happier and I'm fully prepared for the going to school and I've considered what this will look like.

The holidays are including in the 2k.

Well in that case I would say it sounds like you’ve made your mind up …
people are bringing up the same sort of queries - will it be intrusive, will they become dependent on you…

if you’ve decided you want to make their life easier with your money , then that’s fine, it’s your decision!

well you did ask! So you obviously aren't as sure as you make out in your other posts.

We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

Yes, it is intrusive.

Sit down and treat them as adults, have an adult conversation about inheritance money and what you can afford to do now, and what they think.

Suddenly taking over their finances and making decisions for them around what you will pay for is treating them like children.

I agree with @BabaBarrio

Do you need a mom in America?

I would absolutely give my kids a comfortable life if I could afford to. If it was me there wouldn't be a question. It really comes down to if your son wants to accept it.

Not sure if anyone has suggested this, but if they can over pay on the mortgage how about offering to do that with at least some if the money. It will have a lasting impact and if they hit tough times after you retire it might be more useful to be able to claw some of the overpayment back. You could split the £600 to pay some towards the mortgage and some on other stuff like the car and kids stuff.

@Krosem

Please don’t let people put you off doing such a lovely thing for your DS and family, I am sure that you have looked at the numbers and know that they stack up, including your pensions.

I can see why some people are saying a lump sum is better, so they don’t get used to a regular top up, but a regular payment from your income is discounted for IHT purposes, so is much better tax wise.

They will need the money now much more than any other point in their lives. Lovely idea.

I don’t think OP needs to worry about IHT as their home is worth £150k and she’s not mentioned any large pension pot. The silence is deafening.

Surely, if you can afford 600 quid a month, you'd tell them to put that towards their mortgage so they pay it off quicker/pay less interest overall?

If I could do it I would. It's a lovely thing to do and you're obviously not controlling in any way.
Every so often I fantasize about winning maybe £250,000. And imagine what I would do with it. My list is always 1 mortgage. 2 debts. 3 money to each of my children. Because it would help them and bring me happiness.

It's clear from your posts that you both live in a cheap area of the country (based on the value of your own home and their mortgage.)

So- what is your pension pot like?

If your H is in the public sector and works for a housing association he possibly has a generous pension.

Have you got the figures, enough money for care homes if needed, enough for your old age?

I think it's a lovely idea - and I don't see that it's intrusive.

Just tell them you'd rather they had the money now and it's their choice if they'd like to save it all up (which is what you'd be doing for them if you didn't spend it and left it to them in your will) or use it now to make life a little easier on a day to day basis.

You can let them know it's just while you are both working at your current level and that you'll have to adjust / stop when you officially retire or your income changes.

@BabaBarrio

She has said she has an NHS pension, which is extremely worthwhile I suspect, and her DH is putting a lot into his pot.

Pension aren't included in estates for IHT purposes, so her DH could have substantial money in his and they would still be comfortably within the IHT limit.

That would be controlling and just what the op doesn't want to do. Financial gifts shouldn't have conditions.

This - I would do 300 now and 200 into a joint savings pot for the kids as a uni fund/driving lessons/18 birthday etc.

I don't think it's a problem. They're not layabouts squandering money on booze and fags are they? They're hard working low earners with 3 kids.

Lovely idea but why not tell them it will be paid for the next 5 years. Life changes , you don't want to be working to pay for them if one of them suddenly decides to give up work or if you or your Husband feel like retiring.

You sound very thoughtful.
Our parents helped significantly with our modest wedding costs. They also loaned us the money when we suddenly needed to get a 2nd car ( public transport stopped!) with no interest. And in laws also paid a term’s activities for one child which was lovely etc..

now, finances are very tight for us but parents not in the same situation to help. However their gifts are always thoughtful and practical.

if I could choose, I would be thrilled if I had a relative pay for activities like swimming ( and you say you play tennis, so group tennis lessons when old enough at same club as you for eg), music lessons (violin etc) ….. skills the children will always have and be able to remember grandparents by.

less so the car. But then I pay for 4 lots of instrumental lessons, 3 lots of swimming lessons, all in scouting organisations and 1/2 other sports each.

This sounds so forward thinking by you and your husband. What amazing parents and grandparents you are. I hope they appreciate the difference you are making.

OP has said she “was a nurse” with no mention of the NHS. Less than half of nurses work for the NHS as directly employed staff. She said she “wasn’t worried” about her pension, which is vague.

Her DH works for the HA now, he she says he puts in money into his pension pot. So he may not have a large pension.

I know pensions are not part of the estate for IHT, that’s why I said she doesn’t need to worry about IHT as their house is on the low end for value and there is no sign of a large pension pot- as in over the lifetime maximum and saved in investments other than the tax sheltered pension vehicles available because the person I was replying too said ot would be better for IHT to give the son £600/mo now than to save it in a pension for them to inherit.

I wasn’t very clear on the above, thank you for the opportunity to expand.