Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

@user4762348796531

Very valid point about kids wasting it at 18, we found ours benefitted from discussions as teens, regarding what they would get, and how it would be a massive boost to their eventual house purchase deposit.

Neither of them have touched what they had at 18, and have added to it even without what we now give.

And yes, we also been saving into pensions for them, never too early to start a pension.

Not at all, go for it. Especially paying for the hobby x

As recipients of similar payments from MIL and my parents, I can only say we are really grateful. I didn’t find it intrusive and if it stops, it stops. But for now it is funding our son’s hobby and enabling us to save each month.

OP you sound lovely - so do your son and his DIL. No amount of planning could've predicted the twins.

As PP said, offer to pay for specific things like extra for the kids, clothes etc rather than hand over a lump sum. To me that would be more acceptable than just getting 'pocket money'

However that's just me. If you have such a loving relationship surely you can openly discuss with your son?

If you are going to give them money, just give them money. Don’t stipulate it’s for a car, or something for a particular child. I think that’s the bit that feels intrusive. My in-laws give me a very generous birthday bank transfer (which I very much appreciate and get a proper treat for myself!), they put money in the children’s account for birthdays, and they do the same at Christmas. There is never any ‘this money is for this’, the opposite, they encourage to spend as we like.

I know this is a hard read for those of you who get no handouts. I am as generous as possible to pay it forward.

Sounds lovely, how amazing to be able to bless them like that.

I hope one day I’ll be able to help my kids out like that.

I think I'd do larger annual gifts, maybe at Christmas, rather than a monthly payment which might feel a bit like continuing childhood pocket money.

You sound like you have a lovely relationship.

No that’s so lovely - what a great thing to do . I hope I can look after my children like this when they’re older ❤️

I’d be wary of committing yourself to a regular payment.

My Mum’s partner pays his son and daughter-in-law’s rent, and has done for about 25 years. They don’t have kids, but the extra cash has enabled them to live somewhere nice whilst both only ever working part time. They are now in their 50s, and my Mum’s partner is in his 80s. Recently his son got a pay rise, but they’ve told him in no uncertain terms that they still needed him to pay their rent, as they have other debts. He’s basically stuck with it now, unless he wants to see them have to move house. They clearly factored his contribution into their budget, and have lived their lives accordingly.

Personally I would offer to pay the the kids hobbies (because those things will inevitably stop at some point anyway), and offer support for large finite expenses eg new boiler, car, holiday etc.

I think this is a lovely thing to do while your son has young children! 3 under school age is an expensive time!! Do it if you want to do it do it!
My sisters PIL buy all her kids school shoes coats etc give them money take them out for dinner a lot! I am jealous! I am not with the father of my kids work part time and struggle to do it myself and would love for someone to make things that little bit easier!!
You sound wonderful

I think it's a lovely thing to do, when you can afford it now. And as you say, hopefully by the time you and your husband are ready to retire, your son and his family will be in a better financial position themselves, so won't need to rely on it.

Whenever I do/buy something for my adult children, or do/buy something for my grandchildren, I always say to them, "well, you either have it now, or you get it when I die. And I think it's more use to you now". There will still be an inheritance by way of the house (hopefully), but I feel they benefit more from my spare cash now, than having to wait for another couple of decades or more.

I think it's a very good idea but I really would discuss it with your DS and family. DHs parents were very kind and generous to us but it would have been so much more helpful for us if we could have agreed a different way of doing things.

I know this sounds really ungrateful - it's their money, they can do what they want and so on - but if you seriously want to help them out then I think it's best to find out where they most need help.

Also, check with an advisor to see what tax implications there might be.

My mum is quite wealthy. She told me she hasnt left the grandkids anything in her will, but the accountant told her to give money now. She gives me £1500 every few months, and I use it for shoes/trainers/sports hobbies/tutoring/uniform that kind of thing, for them. Two teens, one pre-teen. It's a godsend! But I like that it is at my mothers discretion, it isn't fixed. Every now and then she just says Ive topped up the account. I think if you get in to a set thing it is too easy for it to become expected. Then if you need to stop it, there can be issues. Did you see the thread where the couple split and he had planned his kids schooling around his girlfriends large income?

know this is a hard read for those of you who get no handouts
Nope
My salary is double that of Ops take home

I simply agree with those saying £600 a month is strange , I prefer larger sums such as deposits etc rather than a family being reliant and perhaps not making great financial decisions.

What caring parents. If you’re not expecting anything in return for helping them, then I can only see what a kind thing this is to do.

I imagine looking after their children three days a week means you’re careful about how long you go on holiday tbh. I do think it’s lovely you help so much but I’d want my parents to enjoy life more.

My mother paid for music lessons for all her grandchildren, and contributed to the cost of most of the portable instruments. My siblings and I were grateful and not insulted, and enjoyed inviting her to various concerts. I think paying for grandchildren-related hobbies is lovely, but maybe not anything for the adults.

My parents quietly save monthly into a long term savings account for my 2 children, and my in laws are more likely to give us chunks for things like home improvements and treat us to holidays etc. Both is great.

If they haven’t asked for it, I’d maybe save it for them and give them a lump sum at some point?

The risk with a monthly stipend is that they come to need / expect it. And presumably you will at some point want to retire and struggle to continue it?

You give them 3 days a week childcare. Wow that’s amazing but you already do so much for them.

What a wonderful thing to do 💐❤️

Oh you sound so nice, you only have one son, so I would say def do it. You can't take it with you as there are no pockets in a shroud.
You sound like a person who would give with a warm heart and not bang on about it. You and hubby seem to be in agreement too.
Put me on the adoption list too!

What a lovely thoughtful gesture, I’m sure they’ll be very grateful.

the only suggestion I would make is to offer a single monthly payment, something you’re happy with and think might help. You can frame it as ‘Dad and I have noticed we’ve got xx left over every month and there’s no point us sitting on it, you kids enjoy it’!

by paying for their car or other bills they may feel obliged to run decisions by you, like swapping it in, upgrading, downgrading etc…. What if the bill goes up, would you be expected to cover the difference etc… it would make me feel a bit awkward to think you were paying our bills, room for misunderstanding IYSWIM

If they have 3 kids, own their house, pay £400 a month for a car and pay for 2x center parc type holidays a year they are doing pretty well for themselves. Just so you know op!! I couldn’t afford any of this, I have 3 children. Having said that, if I had spare money I would without doubt give it to my children. But just so you know, your child is doing well and certainly not poverty stricken!