Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

And people talking about deprivation of assets …. OP is in her 50s and the money is being taken from their surplus money in day to day living not from savings.

You are able to financially help adult children without being accused of deprivation of assets. The middle class have been doing it forever.

OP you sound lovely and I hope to one day be the kind of Mum/MIL that you are. Very thoughtful. I can't imagine how much easier my life would have been with this kind of money while my DC were very small. Go for it!

I think I would offer to pay for a hobby each for the kids. And put the rest into a savings a account and gift it to them at a random time in the year, then they won’t be reliant on it, you won’t feel resentful if they suddenly upgrade their car and it’ll be their money to do as they wish.

This sounds like a lovely thing to do.

Since a car loan has a natural end date why don’t you speak to your son about funding that until it is done? It will give them the breathing room and provide a natural end date to the helping hand.

This articulates my concerns really well.

Don't forget you're already giving them thousands a year in the form of childcare savings, before you consider the huge practical support.

Three holidays a year, a nice car and a part-time job is a luxury lifestyle, especially for those in the childcare years. We have two well paid, full-time professional jobs and we have one basic car and one holiday a year! Your DC's lifestyle isn't in proportion to their income, and if you went under a bus tomorrow they would probably struggle to adjust even before you give them more.

The amount you suggest is a massive proportion of your own income. I know nurses get good pensions (as they should), but you're still quite young and not working as a nurse any more. Are you certain your pensions will be enough to live on comfortably?

If you struggle financially in retirement or don't have enough to pay for care, that will be hugely stressful for your DS, we all know how difficult it can be to look after aging parents. Saving for your retirement is a gift to him as much as it would be a gift to yourselves.

Do it...or offer it at least. That period where you have a young kids and a new large mortgage is so expensive.

Ensure the offer is time limited and related to specific items so they don't feel that you are subsidising their lifestyle and undermining their independence. It also gives you a get-out if your income reduces.

My parents gave us nothing - most years they did not manage Christmas or birthday presents, and certainly no childcare. It was definitely a case of you're 18 and going to University, it is up to you now. I ended up having to care for my mother for a decade and we were genuinely shocked, and indeed quite angry, at how much they had stashed away. Just a small proportion at the point when we were most squeezed would have made a huge difference.

Don't subsidise their day to day living, but if it gives you pleasure, and they are happy, do offer to pay for some extras, so they can enjoy this busy and expensive, but wonderful time with their young children.

I think you're trying to be kind but this is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like they are living well beyond their means. If children's hobbies and car payments are about £600 a month and they are struggling they are doing something wrong. I think it's great you want to help but if you give an amount each month they will just up their outgoings. It would be better to start saving into trust funds for your grandchildren and offer to pay for one off things like holidays.

I would have a closer look at your worst case scenario regarding your pension provisions - whilst you may be happy and want to work to state pension age+, what happens if you can't and need to retire early? It's still a long time to go before spa.

I was a nurse so I'm not too worried about my pension, DH does add more to his through work pre-tax.

This just seems a bit vague. If you both retired at 60 what are these pensions on track to give you?

Personally I would pay for something specific to help, or give them a lump sum occasionally rather than a regular set amount - especially as they don't need money to manage the basics.

This is a great idea. Our financial advisor said the best way to give money to your kids is to pay for things for them, so we paid for our daughter’s new bathroom, paid for a holiday, paying for a large chunk of their weddings, etc.

He also advised to pay direct to the supplier rather than give the money into their bank accounts.

It helps them out now when they need it, rather than them waiting 20-40 years for us to die and then inherit.

Whyyyy is that any of your business?

Anyway it’s been answered that the second pregnancy turned out to be twins

My Dad used to give me £100 per week, he said he would never spend it, so buy the DC something from their Grandad. All throughout his working/ married life, he was very tight with money and there never seemed to be any spare money for anything other than household bills. We would go on holiday and return when the money ran out. We will probably do the same with my DS when he moves out, I would rather give him a sum each month to help with bills, rather than a lump sum out of our savings.

@Krosem I haven’t read all posts. Personally I wouldn’t. I would offer to pay for the hobby and then put the rest in to a savings account for the GC.

Wow, three holidays a year when you are 28!

My parents (both retired) do similar with me. I'm a single parent to two kids. They do a lot of activities and I'm paying my mortgage so everything is tight. My dad gave me some money for house repairs last year and my mum occasionally gifts me an amount which I'll use for a short holiday with the DC or pay for birthday parties or car insurance etc.

I try not to rely on it and I never ask for it but I am very very grateful for it.

I also do a lot for them such as last year both had medical procedures and I supported them with lifts, meals, shopping etc.

My Dad I’d very generous. He pays for my children’s swimming lessons and has gifted me inheritance early. I am very grateful as it gives me a much better quality life than I could otherwise afford.

I know a lot of people whose grandparents pay for the kids clubs. A friend pays for her grandchild's ballet and all the extras which is lovely. Without this support her granddaughters wouldn't be able to do this. It's a lovely offer. It will ease a big financial burden I'm sure.

I agree with @RosesAndHellebores and @MotherofGorgons

No one's jealous, that old chestnut.
I'm the DM in this situation and my income alone is twice that of the Op and her DH.

The Op asked the question and we have replied
The Op seems to be driven by a deep emotional need here and that may be unwise if she and her DH haven't done some serious financial planning
I'm not worried about my pension isn't financial planning
Op is early 50s now
What's the plan if she or her DH are suddenly unable to work and not yet collecting pension/ state pension, house repairs and adaptions, cars, extra heating etc should be accounted for.
Potentially 30 years of retirement ahead of them and Op is behaving like she's won the lottery.
Of course people are saying it's marvellous because they are only thinking of themselves

Before anyone tells me what a meanie I am, I have gifted my adult DC generous house deposits, NT membership and regular meals out etc

If it is to give them breathing room I'd see if you could help them overpay on their mortgage. Figure out the maximum overpay per year and just set up a direct debit to split it over 12 months. The benefit wouldn't be immediate, but I still think our overpayments were the biggest thing we did to give us breathing room now. Pre kids we payed off and extra 1k per month off the mortgage to really hammer it. THis cut into our breathing room, but it was do-able and not much of a hardship. Because of it our monthly repayments went down when we got a new rate. We just kept on with the old repayment rate after we had kids (think paying 600 instead of 400) and when the interest rates skyrocketed our monthly payments still went down thanks to the steady overpayments. We have a large overpayment reserve of multiple years so a job loss wouldn't be as killer as one might think. It also seems more like an early inheritance than paying for expenses, but since money is completely fungible it opens up money elsewhere for the expenses. The main issue is to make sure you are under the overpayment fee threshold, so you'd need to know what that amount is and if they are doing any overpayments as well, but if you phrase it as early inheritance I know I'd accept. We've had a few lump sum injections from my FIL (similar state to you just older and retired, but no mortgage and a good pension) and it certainly does help reduce the mortgage costs.

I am in a position to help my DC out, but I won't be helping them to have 3 holidays a year, particularly if they make the unwise decision to have DC by the age of 24. No doubt that means I am mean and hate them. I will live with it!

My in laws were incredibly generous to us which was a huge relief when we had a massive mortgage and small DCs. They always said they loved seeing us enjoy it whilst they were alive rather than waiting until they died. I’m doing the same.

With three preschool aged kids! I wasn't having three holidays a year at 28 and I was childfree and working ft.

I bet OP didn't have three holidays a year and a nice car at 28 either.

@CelesteCunningham Well, you must be jealous, no? Otherwise, why would you comment on a comment forum where OP has invited comments?😀

Must be it.

My late DGM’s care home was £5k a month. Make sure you’re leaving plenty for yourselves too.

I was going to mention care in your old age too, @Krosem

With the advice of a our FA, we were advised to ring fence roughly £200K of our savings as care home funds. (Rather than think we'd have to sell our house) IF that time ever came.

Your home isn't high value (some poster said it was £150K) so even selling it won't go far.

TBH your behaviour sounds a little controlling because you are wanting your son to have a lifestyle you think he should, rather than by his own efforts.

Let me say something else- we helped our DCS out a lot with their house deposits on the basis they should have money now, not when we die. They and we are older than you. (DH is retired but I work.)

However, when we offered to pay, or loan them money for something else, our SIL said to DD that he wanted to do it themselves. In other words he felt too proud to be taking hand outs from his in laws.

I wonder how your son and his wife feel about this money?

You do sound as if you're enjoying 'running the show' - swooping in to pay for the wedding, the furniture, the holidays, Christmas etc.

We are giving ours the £3Kpa that is not liable to tax, plus other occasional gifts. But I'd stop short of adding to a monthly budget as I think it doesn't allow them to be independent and manage their own money.

FWIW I grew up in relative poverty (I'd have been eligible for free school meals by today's standards.) Everything DH and I have now we've worked bloody hard for . I've never had a penny of help from my family, nor did he, until his died, and it's made us IMO value work and money more.