Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

They may claim benefits if they ar e low earners and your money will stop the claim.

I would invest in their futures, it would be a better investment. Or save a lump sum to pay off their mortgage each year. Or even start pensions for the children.

I think you can use the money more wisely.

I wouldn’t want my kids relying on the money and not taking advantage of earning potential.

I've read all the OP posts and skim read the rest so apologies if this has already been suggested.

We all know there's going to be a top heavy age related population in the not too distant future. We keep hearing that there won't be state pensions in the future etc.

I know it would be nice for you to 'see' the fruits of your generosity now. I support and get that. However could you apportion a % of your £600 into private pensions for your son, DIL and the grandchildren. Yes it's dull, dry and boring but future them will absolutely love you for it. Imagine what your drip feed ££ would turn into for the grandkids in 50/60 years.

We don't all love work. We aren't all well or fit enough to continue to work. A healthy pension pot will give future them more choices particularly if they don't end up with stellar megabucks careers or life throws them some curveballs.

I should save this post to see if in ten years from now I have achieved my goal of making my university age DC financially independent, or have to eat my words. Most of the posts by parents of adult children are terrifying to me. We shall see.

I am your age - I wish I had £600 spare ! Good for you though - I would do it - I help my nephew by giving him £50 occasionally- I am a poor NHS worker full-time! he is 28 but has no kids or any ties just needs help with his rent

I would love to be in a position down the line to do this for my child. Ignore all the jealous comments! Maybe consider putting more into the grandkids savings. Property prices/uni/cars it will all help in the future. Ignore the jealous comments. Save and splurge on memories and holidays, a family bond and memories last forever. Do not feel bad for improving your family life, its too short. Judgement comments are only from people who would love to have the support you are showing behind them/be in a position to give it.

This isn't actually true, voluntary gifts don't impact benefits at all.

Is there no post on MN that does not elicit accusations of being jealous? It is possible to think someone is being unwise without being jealous.

There’s one thing that worries me for the OP and for myself if I go down the regular gifting route too. As OP rightly says inheritance tax won’t be an issue and it won’t be for me either.

But what about care costs, as I understand it local authorities can go back indefinitely to check if you have deliberately deprived yourself of assets when calculating care fees etc. This is why the poster up thread was talking about giving untraceable cash gifts with the possibility of disguising it as the gift givers own extravagant expenditure. As an example if I paid Tui or Jet2 for a holiday for my DD and family how would authorities know I hadn’t been on holiday. If I paid their gym fee, it could be me attending the gym. In an example like the OP giving 600 a month away, could the local authority come after the son for a contribution to care home fees in years to come because OP had deprived herself of assets. This is my main concern. I too would like to gift a regular amount as soon as my old age pension starts getting paid as we manage fine on personal pensions

Paying the mortgage is a sensible thing to do but it should be ops sons decision not his mum's.

My boomer parents have a 4 bed detached, fancy car and just went on a very expensive holiday abroad. They worked hard their whole lives and I'm making something of mine, I don't want their cash.

We have paid a set amount to our four adult kids every month ever since they became adults and we will continue to until we die. The key is to keep good records and that the gifts must be regular. More and more estates are having to pay inheritance so it seems sensible to consider IHT 403 if you have excess income.

I like the fact that the money just goes into the kids accounts. We aren't paying for anything in particular and it's not something that we have to think about or discuss.

If I was the OP I'd suggest doing something similar. Tell your son and DIL that you currently have excess income and that you would like to pop some money in their account for the next X years. Maybe you could tie the duration with the date that they don't have to pay nursery fees.

My Dad is of the ilk, where he feels its better to help your kids now and see the benefits rather than waiting til you're gone. I think it's wonderful that you can do it for as long as you can and want too. 😊

I think you sound like lovely supportive parents, and also that you have a good relationship with your dil. As you have a good relationship with them i think you could quite easily have a conversation with them and say what you said in your original post, that you would like to make their lives a little easier now, whilst you are working and still afford it. I’m sure with the relationship it sounds like you have that you can all be honest and none of you take offence to the others feelings, if it turned out that they would rather you didn’t contribute more, as you are already very generous with both time and money, then you could always save it for the future. x

Sounds like a lovely thing to do if they'll accept it

More and more estates are having to pay inheritance so it seems sensible to consider IHT 403 if you have excess income.

@WellThatEndedBadly I read that somewhere recently, that the number of estates paying IHT is increasing every year, because the IHT threshold has been frozen ( and will continue to be frozen) for several years? It hasn’t kept pace with the increase in house values.

Someone upthread said it was 4% of estates, but I think it could be more now. I imagine that the mega-rich have everything tucked away in trusts, it’s the single people/widowed people living in an appreciated properties whose estates get clobbered.

Not really relevant to this thread, but it’s something to be considered if you’re hanging onto income that you don’t need.

I'm not sure of the rules but this is why instead of regular transfers we just have some nice to haves set up as direct debits from our account, currently Sky, National Trust and Swimming lessons but we still have a lot of wiggle room so might take on their Gousto subscription too, no way anyone would know that these aren't just our purchases.

I think it’s far nicer if you see them enjoy your money, rather than them having it after you’ve gone,

I would do what you are doing. If you can help them now and get pleasure out of watching them have an easier life then why not? They don't ask for it and appreciate what they get and you get to enjoy time with them now. We enjoy holidays and meals out with our family and have great memories of time spent together and I hope when we are gone they have happy memories. Money now can make life easier rather than money in 30/40 years not making as much of a difference. I haven't read all the posts but it sounds like your sister is jealous of your available income and putting doubts in your head.

As long as you don't hold it over them or cast it up then go for it.

I don't think for a minute that you would, but my mother has done in the past for bits and bobs and it's horrible.

I came here to say this exact thing.

I have to assume most of the replies are fueled by jealousy.

It is such a blessing to be in a position to help your kids and lighten their load.
Life can feel like such drudgery and something like this makes all the difference.

OP, you are a beautiful heart and I 200% think you should go ahead and offer this 🩷

It is very kind and I am sure they would appreciate it. However, never underestimate how much your future care costs may be. The system is in crisis. Also, it may make them rely on it and that may not be a good thing. It may be better to contribute occasionally with the bigger things like cars and house repairs etc.

It's very generous of you and obviously between you and them. I know it would hurt my pride as I value being an independent adult and the sense of being able to succeed. Not to say your son feels this way, but my PIL used to give my DH the odd tenner in the hand and he hated it. Never said anything to them though but thanks. He felt undermined and like they didn't have confidence in his abilities.

If you want to give, then I'd be careful where you target it. Paying for daycare could be a good way to help. Putting aside money for the grandchildren. Whatever works for everyone really.

It is such a blessing to be in a position to help your kids and lighten their load.

You put it perfectly, @Booksoverbros , it does feel like a blessing when you’re able to help your children, whether financially or otherwise.

The type of help that the OP is proposing isn’t the same as bailing out an adult child because they’re not managing their finances properly, it’s willingly lightening their financial load.

Very generous and lovely. How lucky your son is 🙂

I think you & your husband sound lovely.

I got family support when my children were little, only financial not free childcare so your son and DIL are doubly lucky! I appreciated it 100% and didn’t feel infantilised by getting money that I knew would enable us to pay for a family holiday or afford to change the car.

Now my children are adults and we are wealthier, we support them. It’s hard to be young & struggling so why not help out if you can? It’s not really anyone else’s business as long as you enjoy helping out and don’t feel pressure to do so. Im sure your son and DIL appreciate the spirit in which your time & money are given which is a spirit of generosity & love rather than anything negative.