Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

This has really made me smile and how very lovely you are. My parents died when I was young and this just sounds so lovely

I am with you. Never taken a penny from my parents, never will. Would be extremely disappointed if my DC needed this level of help. Can't say if they will, but I would at least be telling them not to have any kids if they can't support them.

@Krosem I think your approach is perfect. Polite, kind and helpful. We also only have one DC, who isn't married yet and is about to fly the nest so we're doing things differently. DC was signed up to a pension (family SIPP-- not an option now, rules changed) at 3 years old as we needed another member to make numbers work. We have helped them save towards a property deposit by not charging rent while living at home, so they have a healthy saving fund and we will add to that when appropriate/necessary. DC wants a particular career that is somewhat precarious as it's mostly freelance/self-employment, and will always need to have a financial cushion for downtime. And we shall help smooth the path, either with some generous chunks to create breathing space, or little and often top ups.... whichever is right at the time. There will be a pension, outwith our estate and IHT, but we are likely to live another 25 years or so, and who can say what health and care requirements may crop up in between.

DH parents are well off. They offered us to pay off more than half of our mortgage and we are very thankful. Rather than give £600 a month if you have spare money help them to pay some off the mortgage. But if you dont have big chuck of money, £600 for your grandkids hobby are reasonable. A lots of my friends put their children in private school paid by grandparents. So its similar situation. I think you are lovely.

I really don't do myself any favours reading posts like this. Both husband and I are from generational poverty and I have generational abuse thrown in for good measure, plus general dysfunction on both sides.

We are basically on our own with no family support network, never had 1p in help and no one in our families have developed careers or wealth so no inheritance in pipeline.

We have really struggled on our own and have felt like we are treading water surviving for years now. I say that we get by in that we can pay our bills and afford to do basic food shop at aldi. We've never been abroad together in nearly 15 years relationship as always dealt with bills. We've not been on a family holiday in nearly 5 years.

Today in aldi I picked up a packet of "snacking meatballs" which I felt would be a healthier snack for myself and I was just interested to try them, it cost £1.99. I put it into my basket but decided on the next aisle to put them back as snacks like that are a luxury we can't afford. Just been paid and I know we have a small £150 buffer or we will have to draw from dwindling savings to see us to next payday.

So I think if people can afford holidays abroad, a fancy car and 1-2-1 swimming lessons plus other bits like kids savings etc they are doing much better than getting by.

I'm not having a go but I just feel life is so unequal not just for us and I don't know what the solution is and I just think how can people compete when the family you are born into makes such a big difference, I can't change that.

I see family units provide financial support, childcare support, moral support or practical support like home renovations - I know some who have all 4 elements of help, some who have 1 or 2. And then there's us, with nothing but been hard working, doing all the "right things", not having any luxuries and still having to put back £1.99 meatballs because they are a luxury can't afford.

I was in aldi before pay day and knew I had £50 in bank, as I put stuff on conveyor I said to DH I think this is going to come to more than £50 so he had to go outside for signal on phone to pull money over from savings, he came back in to say app wasn't working and assured me it'd be less than £50. I was having so much anxiety at prospect of embarrassement, luckily it came to £44.20... Sorry I'm just venting now, I don't know how situations like this are any good for society, for things to be so unequal. I don't know what the solution is, I despair.

Very, very few estates pay inheritance tax. Unless OP and the person you replied to are millionaires it wouldn't be a consideration.

Yeah I think it’s lovely too. Once you have enough the rest is spare and it’s only money. I say that having had lots and shared it around, having been skint and treated by some of the same people. Paid for a niece’s cheap ish car last year which took me into my overdraft. One of my friends won some money and offered us 5k… I told her to keep her cash got a promotion and was the one treating her to a hols away. My dad won some money and split it with us without a second thought but then I paid for his rent for six months once. For Some people who I love and who love me I see money just like any other nice thing that is better shared and that works fine.

@MotherofGorgons Why wouldn’t you though? Many parents enjoy giving their adult children money!
I treat DD (19) to hair styling, the odd facial, she’s going on holiday with a friend this summer (completely self-funded) and I’d like to give her some extra spending money.

DH and I also give her a lot towards uni, pay car insurance, etc. She studies hard and is working all summer except for this holiday .
It makes US happy to do this!

I am realising I clearly need to earn and save more if I am expected to pay for my grandkids as well as my kids. When do Gen X get to retire? This thread is an eye opener.

You sound like amazing parents. My dad pays for my DS hobbies I never felt it was intrusive just very grateful to have a little financial pressure removed.

@BruFord I think funding a 19 year old in uni for a bit of travel is a bit different from the OP's situation. I am talking about working adults.

There's no expectation. My parents are retired, have plenty of cash, but we are comfortable... I don't want their money, they can enjoy it (and they definitely do!).

OP it’s likely tax advantageous to maximise your pension contributions if you have any spare cash at all. Have you properly forecast what your pension income will be, taking into account tax and inflation? I’m not far off your age and at this age topping up your pension is so important. Who knows if you will both be able to work for another ten years, and as so many others have said, you have many years to live and you need to be able to fund them. You need a hefty pension pot to drawdown 4k a month - or its equivalent after inflation. Just don’t leave yourselves short in the future, for what sound like luxuries today (car, gym membership etc).

@WildBear I wish that were true. MN is absolutely chock full of posts by people complaining that their boomer parents are going on nice holidays or have large homes. There does seem to be an expectation. ( And I am not a boomer).

@MotherofGorgons Well yes, but I think I’ll still enjoy being generous when she’s 28- assuming that I can afford to be.

I agree that the OP is being particularly generous!

YANBU. Our DC (currently teenagers) have it much harder than us in terms of housing costs, cost of living, student debt etc. We will help them out as much as we can.

My own parents are well off boomers who are happily sitting on their unearned wealth, which will then no doubt go to shareholders of some private care home chain. Damned if I’ll do the same to my kids.

I think you should give them lump sums now and again rather than a direct debit monthly. That way if your circumstances change they aren't overly reliant on your money. Would you have any issues with them spending the money however they like or would you prefer it to be spent on stuff for the children or towards mortgage or bills?

I think it's a very kind thing to do and if they are happy to accept holidays etc from you I don't think they will think you are overstepping.

Snap! Didnt take long, did it, to say that boomers saving for their own private care homes are being selfish.😂

@Peaceandquietandacuppa I hear your point but years ago, a friend inherited a lot of money at 21 from her grandma and I recall her saying that she blew it away frivolously. So to leave money to DGC ready for them at 18 sounds a bit risky. Yes, they might spend it on education but equally, they might not. So I would probably leave it, but beyond reach until past the age of 25. Other friends, from a wealthy family have (presumably costly-to-run) multi-generation trust funds that pay chunks at 18 (enough for cars) at 30 (enough for property deposit) and at 40, the main balance, with a little held back invested to assist an incompetent in their dotage. The family expectation was always that every individual would need to work for money and self-respect at every stage.

@Krosem the only thing I would suggest that you do for yourselves is either take out private health insurance or make sure that you have healthy savings to pay for private health care.

As for cars. You're right getting three small children into a car means that your choice of suitable vehicles is severely limited. My son has trudged around many a car dealership to find a suitable one. Which also has ample boot space.

@MegBusset I agree that it’s far better when older people enjoy and use their money. It can be frustrating when they’re unnecessarily frugal, tbh.

My Dad (86) needs some adaptations to his bathroom due to his poor mobility… the endless conversations we’ve had about getting the work done, it’ll be expensive, etc., etc. He’s financially comfortable and can afford it!

The work is now scheduled and he’s happy about it-but oh the fuss about spending money to make his own life easier. 😂

You sound absolutely amazing!

Please ignore the Mumsnetters who usually dislike their adult kids/grandkids and don't have good relationships with them.

You sound like my parents and they are incredible ☺️

My post sounded a bit more petulant than I intended 😆 I don’t have any expectations of handouts from the previous generation, we have made our own way in life and are doing ok. However it’s hardly controversial to say that the boomers as a whole have enjoyed financial benefits that are just not going to be available to future generations. Each of us has to make the choice we’re happy with, my choice is to distribute funds to my kids as best I can during my lifetime when they are most likely to need it.

This is my 82 yr old father. £300k invested, an house worth £500k and £60k just sitting in a current account yet won’t pay out for anything to make his (or my poor mum’s) life easier.

He has just purchased a new sofa, replacing their absolutely knackered 20 year old one. £3k for a new suite and you’d have thought he was shelling out £300k going by the fuss he made.

@WendysWindyHouse Yep, my Dad recently took a friend out for lunch and decided that they’d just have tap water to save paying for drinks. 🤣

He's from a farming family and I think they were brought up to spend money on livestock instead of humans. Seriously!