Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

You sound lovely, your son is very blessed to have you as his Mother 💕

Adopt me pl. I'm only little so i don't take up much room and I don't eat very much.

I don't mind sleeping in a wardrobe if you've no space.

I would give them a lump sum from time to time so that they weren't dependent on it as a regular monthly income.
If your circumstances change and you can't continue then they will still be able to afford the lifestyle they fund from their own income.

I think this is lovely and I hope I’d do this too if I were in a similar position.
The only thing I’d think about offering differently would be paying off a car loan monthly in case in a year or two your circumstances change and then they’re left to foot the bill that they’d perhaps not have taken on.

Oh sorry I think I misread your OP and thought it was a new car loan rather than what they’ve already got. Apologies!

I've read all your posts @Krosem albeit not all the thread.

They've had a wedding and they get free childcare. It's lovely to give the grandchildren treats and to help with one holiday. Personally I think £400pcm a month for a car is too much. It's spoily. It's £4800 a year. By all means help with a deposit for a car if the present one goes pop but at 28 they should be budgeting a bit and waiting for some jam tomorrow.

You and your DH are not high earners and you have little capital. Your generosity is disproportionate and in 10 years time you may need a goodly proportion of that car money. By all means help with a modest car for a to be.

Do whatever makes you and your family happy.

Your sound like brillliant, kind, considerate and present parents/granparents xx

My mum is like this, just wants to help out and be supportive, she used to do two afternoons childcare, then dropped down to one, picking the children up from school and giving them tea. She also bought their school shoes and coats from M and S (so nice ones) every year. Still does the odd shop as well. I also do the same for my children, I try to cushion their lives a bit like mine was cushioned.

This is how I want to do things with my own DC.
My parents have hoarded their money. Various inheritances and good jobs. They've got multiple properties and large amounts of savings. Yet when they pass the tax man will get a load. They make noises about passing some on to me and siblings now but it doesn't happen and god knows we could all use it.
Such a shame they couldn't bare to part with any now but will allow the government to have it later instead.

They have no nursery fees, DIL works part time to cover 2 days and I do the other 3 around my part time work.

I don't understand this bit @Krosem

Does your DIL work for 2 days a week?
And you work for 2 days and do 3 days of childcare?

If they are struggling with money, why doesn't she work for 3 days?
You'd still do 3 days of childcare so why does she not work for another day?

I doesn't sit right for me that you do the majority of childcare yet she could work more.
What work does she do?

She works 3 days and covers childcare the other 2 sorry.

So DIL works Tue-Thursday
I work Monday and Friday.

Wow you sounds absolutely lovely

I don't disagree with helping children out. We gave ours large deposits towards their houses (some from a grandparent.) But housing is so expensive where we are, they still have big mortgages. And we've said' That's it' - no more money, other than loans which they can repay us monthly by DD rather than borrow and incur interest charges.

(Your son's loan for car may not be the best thing to do- buying it outright for cash may save money.)

I just think that your plan is not treating them as mature adults.
You don't 'tell' a couple approaching 30 what you will pay for.

It needs an adult conversation about what they need most and would like to receive.

I’m really baffled by some of these replies.

Have we not all been in situations where we needed a little breathing room? I have been really fortunate - my parents have helped us out over the years when we’ve struggled and god knows I’ve been so grateful to them. I’ve never felt belittled or ashamed.

OP I think you sound like a lovely family and I think it’s a lovely thing to offer to do. Please offer it to them. They can have a think and say yes please or no thank you.

Ok so I wouldn’t do the £600 a month as they may get reliant on it and if you have to stop for illness or whatever then it’s hard for them to re-adjust.

I would book a financial advisor appointment with your bank, and make a plan for your excess funds - put money in trust for all 3 grandchildren for when they get to 18. Give your son little lump sums here and there - oh I had a bit extra this month treat yourself type thing. Be generous on birthdays - £100 cash to each of them on their birthday/Xmas etc.

It sounds kind but I’d find it unbearable to be living like that.

You already cover 3 days childcare for three children! That’s already more than generous.

You should not have paid for the furniture etc etc etc already as that’s their bills. If they were struggling your DIL could work more days, they could have zero holidays and the swimming lessons could stop. But that’s up them to decide as a couple and really is none of it is your business. How do you even know what the bills like mortgage or car payments are? Neither of our parents know anything like that about our lives?

They obviously aren’t struggling at all and on top of that you want to give them more. I’d find it really intrusive and difficult to deal with if I was your son or DIL.

Roses has highlighted what makes me most uncomfortable about this
You and your DH are not high earners and you have little capital. Your generosity is disproportionate…

Your joint take home pay is £4K, you are both quickly approaching old age and there is no guarantee you will have the lucky choice to work well past state pension age.

You are giving your DS a full 15% of your joint household net income and providing three days of free childcare. DS and DIL are literally only paying £100/mo to put a roof over their heads and £0 for childcare. They are going to struggle to keep their house and/or cover child care if something happens to either of you as they aren’t used to budgeting within their means.

I am all for generosity to pay for grandchildren to have nice to haves or to pay into a child trust fund, but my gut feeling is also that it is disproportionate - more than you can afford and more than your DS & DIL need.

I think they sound quite well off already. 3 holidays a year, 400 a month on a car? They don't need that much extra money. Either that or they are living outside their means.

It's way too soon to be thinking about avoiding inheritance tax. You are still relatively young, you could have almost half your life ahead of you, you don't know what the future holds. What if one of you needs surgery and you want to go private to avoid a 2 year wait on the NHS for example?

It would be different if they were genuinely struggling and desperately needed help but it seems more like you just don't know what to do with your money.

I think I would give them an occasional lump sum to spend as they wish, but wait until you're 20 years older before giving away such a big proportion of your money.

Unbelievable! I’m the same age I’ve had no money from any parents since I left home at 15. I pay for my own things and my own life.

You’re incredibly generous and kind.

But please make sure you have adequate savings and big pensions before you pay towards your son.

My late DGM’s care home was £5k a month. Make sure you’re leaving plenty for yourselves too.

And what about you?

We are in a similar position, we only pay for nice to haves and do it straight from our account, so we pay for their sky bill, the national trust membership and the children's swimming lessons. This adds up to nearly £350 a month. Then every Christmas separate from gifts we give them £2500 as a lump sum. We aren't massively well off, our joint income isn't much higher than yours.

We wouldn't pay for anything that was essential as they might rely on us then!

I am really shocked at how much parents are expected to help these days. Childcare plus money plus furniture plus.....

See - this would put me off. Not everyone wants to shift the power dynamic of a relationship and feel indebted, even to lovely parents.

This ^^

You never know what life will bring. You could live to be over 100.

I’m probably going to go against the majority here but as a fully grown adult with a family that I chose to have, I really couldn’t take money from my parents when they still have potentially another 25-30 years ahead of them

It just wouldn’t sit right with me at all

So I am with your sister OP