Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

I can tell you people with lots of money DEF do this all time. People talking about being intrusive or anything similar, or misplaced pride are bonkers. Spreading it about is exactly right.

You sound like truly lovely parents/grandparents and if you can (which it sounds like you can!) and you want to then go for it.

I worked for the NHS, we both are very comfortable with our pensions and I don't feel the need to break this down further for people to pick apart. We are comfortable with what we will have.

Definitely speak to your son and Dil and see what they say. I think they would be very grateful! Always lovely to be able to help family.

This is so very lovely. I would definitely do it in your position.

If you're early 50s now, I think you have to prepare to have your ability/enthusiasm for work change rapidly over the next few years. Its not just the physical exertion.

Well so long as you have done a financial MOT to ensure you won’t end up moving in with your DS and DIL in twenty years, then it’s alright then.

The only thing you should do is talk to your son and his wife and find out what they would like perhaps paying a chunk of the mortgage would make a difference as I’ve said you’re doing an awful lot as it is.

How about you set up a pension fund for each of them? That would be something that would ensure they don't struggle as they get older. SO one each for Son and DIL and then maybe smaller ones for the kids?

Sounds lovely! Don’t make commitments you can’t keep and be clear that this could change in future depending on health etc. but you can’t take money with you and life really should be all about family. Sounds like you have lovely core beliefs. Be sure that he is able to come to you if you do overstep but I think you or others are overthinking a very nice thing to do. Cost of living is hard, children are expensive and hard, providing security is a nightmare right now - I’m sure they’d appreciate your support xx

Sounds amazing, but check if they get any benefits/tax credits first. My friend's parents gave her money for her son's nursery fees while she was a student. She then got done for benefit fraud for having not declared this income! If they'd have paid the nursery direct, it would have been fine.

I think this is lovely! My stepdad does something similar for all of us children and it's very much appreciated x

In our 20s and 30s we were really struggling. My parents gave us nothing, but my MIL gave the children £30 each per month, which to be honest, went in the bank to pay for food etc. MIL would also say her account was a bit top heavy and transfer £2000 every now and again. We used this to pay down the mortgage. It was an amazingly kind gesture.

Once the children were at school we had more disposable income, but neither of us have ever earned beyond the 20% income tax rate. MIL continued her support until the children were 18, then paid them 'pocket money' directly at uni.

When I was 44, my grandparents died within a week of each other, everything went to my only-child dad. My Dad died a few years later, everything went to my mum. Not a penny for my brother or I. Then 3 years later mum died and suddenly we get a massive inheritance (stocks and share portfolio, house, cash, bonds etc). We had already paid off our house so the money is just sitting there.

If only we had it when we needed it - in our 20s and 30s.

We hope to do what you are doing OP. Give it away to our children whilst they are in their 20s and 30s, not wait to inherit in their 50s.

I don't think it's intrusive at all. It's lovely and very kind and sounds like it will be much appreciated and make a big difference.

Honestly, some people on MN are really tight-fisted. There was a post where the OP wanted to give some money to her friend and loads of people were like, no way! Give it to your children! Now you want to give money to your kid, people are like, no way! Keep it for yourself!

You can afford it and you would enjoy being able to help. As long as your son and DIL are happy too, then it's a lovely thing to do. If you are looking for another adult child to adopt, please consider me!

Go for it op , just ask them , be open . Explain that there is no point is just leaving them money after you die when clearly they could do with it now . If they are financially responsible people then go for it .

I'd do it in a heartbeat but then my parents would too.

You could always offer to cover the 4 year old swimming lessons but I would hold off the car payments. The other 2 children might start swimming too so you could extend to those children if affordable. It would help them out financially but also not be intrusive. You can always save what you want to give him and gift him a lump sum. I think that would be better than offering to pay a bill as they get to decide what it goes on

Actually people have asked Op if she has really looked at her pension and finances , including worst case scenarios before she does this.
Also it is far better to give a one off lump sum so that the DS doesn't become reliant on it plus its less infantilising
Personally I prefer my adult DC to make choices for themselves, it's all very suffocating

All of which is pretty sensible advice

I think it's a lovely idea, not intrusive at all (not sure why anyone would consider it so!).

The only thing to consider might be tax implications? I think £3000 each you can give tax free. So that’d be £6k from you and £6K from your husband, per year. So actually that works out ok!

Controlling? OK, maybe she can write down the sums on a bit of paper and leave it on their kitchen table for them to 'find'.

It's not "controlling" to lift, even partially, what for many people is their largest financial burden (mortgage). Why would this young couple, with the greatest financial stress still ahead of them, pay out thousands of pounds to a bank in interest payments when they can avoid doing so? That's compound interest saved going into the DCs' futures.

I agree about the one off gifts being better than an “allowance”. My Dad (who is notoriously tight and gave me very little when I was younger) randomly gave me £5000 towards a conservatory I was having built when I was a newly single parent. I didn’t actually need it as such, but was very happy to accept it obviously. However, if he’d offered me a set amount each month I’d have declined it.

Something about this doesn't sit right with me, I think it's the car, paying £400 a month for a car when they're struggling makes no financial sense and may indicate that they aren't that savvy with money. They may always live to their means, which may mean if you gift them £600 every month it gets sucked into their finances and they will spend it every month but not really have anything to show for it, which would be a shame to be honest, it seems a waste.

It would be far better IMO to either put that money aside for the kids when they are older, UNI fund/wedding funds which they sound like they may be struggling to afford, or pay for more things for them like holidays, or big ticket items that they may need, or use it to make memories, to me that is so much more important that spending it on bills.

You could always tell them you are opening a savings account for them with your excess funds, and they're welcome to dip into it when they like for whatever they need, they just need to tell you how much they need and when, at least you know they aren't going to fritter it away on bills.

My in laws use to pay for our 4 children's swimming lessons.... it was such a help xx

We felt so blessed xx

I think it's a wonderful idea xx

Super generous of you - but why not give them the money, rather than stating specifically what it's to pay for - surely that's treating them more like adults?

You sound brilliant OP, as does your son & his family. Well done them for having 3 children while they are young with lots of energy.
I wish you all every happiness😁