Am I wrong to do something I want even though he says I shouldn’t?

[DelilahDelia]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we don’t live together but see each other as often as we can, which can be hectic as we live 45mins apart, have 4 dc between us and both work full time.
He’s into the gym and bodybuilding and we spend a fair bit of time at the gym together.
I don’t like going to my local gym so I thought I’d quite like to try CrossFit, so signed up for a month to give it a go and see if it was for me. I plan to go when we aren’t together.
it’s caused a massive argument, he doesn’t think I should do it. His points were -
He says it feels like I’m trying to build my own life without him,
I don’t do the things I already should be doing
I don’t have time
I’ll make new friends
I’ll be even more tired when I see him.

I’ve explained that it’s not going to interfere with our time together, but I really don’t want to give it up without trying it and feel he shouldn’t be telling me what I can and can’t do in this way, it was fine for me to go to the gym and do weights. He goes to the gym 5 times a week.
I’m doing it in my spare time and paying for it out of my own money, am I being unreasonable by going and doing it?

You need to get rid of this controlling arsewipe. YOU know what is best for you. That is all. Bloody cheek of him.

“He says it feels like I’m trying to build my own life without him,”

BYE. Don’t let the door hit your glutes on the way out.

From your updates he sounds generally controlling OP. I wouldn't recommend continuing this relationship, he wants to make you dependent on him. Continue with your crossfit if you enjoy it.

Bet he had thought that he wanted you to do more housework

I changed my username and can’t change it back, incase he looked through my phone and found this thread.

I went and spent the weekend with him, we had a lovely time. I told him that I was going to continue and he didn’t have the right to tell me what I could and couldn’t be doing.

Something happened that bothered me though…when I arrived Friday night, he took my phone and went through my messages and social media, when I asked what he was doing, he asked if I had something to hide and then later in the evening he gave me a lovebite (I hate them and think they look awful) on my neck and when I brought it up today, he replied with ‘I know, I did it on purpose’

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Don't fucking go back. He's dangerous - not only did he violate your privacy on the grounds that you'd have something to hide, he then branded you with that injury. Deliberately. So that everybody could see that he's fucking you, that he decides what happens to your body, not you.

Agree with PP please dont go back, even you saying you had a lovely time then dropping in the awfulness as an aside shows you're not facing the fact hes a controlling and therefore potentially dangerous person to have around you and your kids 😭😭😭

Christ almighty. There is absolutely no scenario where that is acceptable. You need to leave, preferably dumping him now, blocking him and ensuring he has no access to your home.

How he could have done both those things and you say you had a lovely time is a clear sign your boundaries are massively skewed.

OP you say he is the nicest genuine man you have ever met, and this is why women tend to overlook partners abusive traits and stay in relationship that are unhealthy.

Your DP is showing trying to keep you in line, and clearly using coercive control by not asking you how things went in your crossfit class, and I was a crossfitter and can tell you the reason why your DP is not liking it, its the friendliness and culture of the crossfit goers that may be an issue for your DP, probably thinking someone will steel you away from him. There is something very off about how he is interacting with you and how your kids have picked up on it. Listen to your kids.

I’ve read the first 4 comments from other Mumsnetters and they’re all accurate.
This man is very controlling and I’d be getting out while I still could.
Use the new training to meet new people and to get away from this controlling man!

@DelilahDelia2 @DelilahDelia

later in the evening he gave me a lovebite (I hate them and think they look awful) on my neck and when I brought it up today, he replied with ‘I know, I did it on purpose’

So he's branded you as belonging to him. You need to do as he says or he'll take action to ensure you, and others, know you're his possession and he will keep track of you by going through your phone to keep track of you and your relationships outside of the one you have with him.

How much more do you need in order to break off from this possessive, controlling man and live your life without him in it.

Thank goodness you don't live together. Focus on your own wellbeing and that's your own children and break away from him. Be clear it's over and there's no way back for you and block him if (when) he tries to hang onto you. 🌹

A lovely weekend? After he went through your phone? And gave you a lovebite?

Please raise your standards. He's a wrong 'un.

He sees you as his possession and he has marked his territory.

I can't imagine wanting to be with a man like this, just dump him and get on with your life.

If you need more motivation, imagine it was your DC is this relationship. What would you advise them to do? I'm sure it isn't stay with the possessive, jealous, insecure partner.

You need to really readjust your viewpoint here, how can you say you had a lovely weekend when he invaded your privacy going through your phone and gave you a love bite? Ugh I thought only ikky teenagers did that.

Please leave this relationship, he’s showing his true controlling colours now and you deserve better.

Threads like this are why I think I need to leave MN for a while. I can actually feel my mental health suffering by reading thread after thread after thread by women in terrible relationships that they just don't see. I am usually the first one screaming support for women, reminding people that getting out of abusive relationships and patterns can be really hard etc but it seems to be getting worse. Relatively new relationships that are so obviously abusive and controlling and women who can't seem to see it.

OP, I am sorry, you need to leave this man. He is dangerous and controlling and even your teenager can see it. Why would you put yourself through this? Even more importantly, why are you putting your CHILD through this?

OP your previous relationship has left your boundaries in shreds. 100% this dude is a walking red flag. Do not let your DC learn more bad relationship dynamics.

Please answer this - are you going to take on board the unanimous advice here to get out of this relationship? You’ve had 9 pages which you’ve ignored and still spent the weekend with him claiming that him demanding to look through your phone incase you have “something to hide” and branding you as his property with a love bite is a ‘lovely time”.
Long term abusive relationships are much more difficult to leave, this is a relatively new relationship where you don’t live together so you could end it fairly easily. Everyone here can see this man is controlling, your own child can see it, so I’m not sure why you’re continuing to ignore the glaring red flags and all the advice you’ve been given.

Every blasted word of this.

OP, you don't live together, don't share children, you work and have independent finances and this is an 18 month relationship. You are perfectly placed to finish it.

This is not love, he is trying to control you and it will get worse. I wouldn't be hanging around to find out how much worse.

@Mnetcurious I have followed everyone’s advice and after spending last night thinking about it, I ended things this afternoon.
I think I probably need to spend some time on my own for a while and focus on my DC’s

OP I really hope the unanimous comments on here will help give you the strength to stand up for yourself (and leave him). These are overwhelmingly red flags in the way he seems to be trying to control you. If your child has noticed it too, if you find it too difficult to do for your own account, do it for your child to not have them see this as the model of relationships.

He’s openly used ‘you’ll make new friends’ as a reason that you should NOT do something!?

That should be enough.

Well done! I agree focussing on yourself and your children is the best thing to do now. I wish you all the best.

Well done op. I think that must have been really hard to do because your own thoughts were that he was lovely, but that was based on your own background, he wasn't actually lovely at all. So that was super brave. Give yourself time now, it will take time, but one day you'll look back and realise what a horror he was. Good luck x

Oh love! You know the saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"? Well he's now shown you TWICE exactly who and what he is. A controlling and manipulative prick.

Please don't see him again. No amount of "we had a lovely time" will ever make up for the hell he will put you through once he has you where he wants you. And those 'lovely times' he's giving you are intended to slowly reel you in.

Just tell him 'this is no longer working for me and so I am ending it'. Then block him. You owe him no explanation for why you no longer want to see him because he'll only DARVO and spin until you don't know which end is up. And if you have personal things at his place, unless they are extremely valuable, irreplaceable, or truly sentimental, leave them there. This man is dangerous, if not physically then psychologically.