Am I wrong to do something I want even though he says I shouldn’t?

[DelilahDelia]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we don’t live together but see each other as often as we can, which can be hectic as we live 45mins apart, have 4 dc between us and both work full time.
He’s into the gym and bodybuilding and we spend a fair bit of time at the gym together.
I don’t like going to my local gym so I thought I’d quite like to try CrossFit, so signed up for a month to give it a go and see if it was for me. I plan to go when we aren’t together.
it’s caused a massive argument, he doesn’t think I should do it. His points were -
He says it feels like I’m trying to build my own life without him,
I don’t do the things I already should be doing
I don’t have time
I’ll make new friends
I’ll be even more tired when I see him.

I’ve explained that it’s not going to interfere with our time together, but I really don’t want to give it up without trying it and feel he shouldn’t be telling me what I can and can’t do in this way, it was fine for me to go to the gym and do weights. He goes to the gym 5 times a week.
I’m doing it in my spare time and paying for it out of my own money, am I being unreasonable by going and doing it?

No, but many will be if they can get away with it.

If you don’t push back they quickly and quietly start to think it’s the natural order of things.

If you have compliant, easy going tendencies because previous partner was explosive then new partner gets used to having everything his own way.

Of course not all men are controlling or abusive. However, controlling and abusive men very quickly spot who will accept their behaviour and target those women. That's not to say it's their fault - but the reality is that if you are already inclined to let a man control you, it's that much easier for them.

End this now and do the work to figure out why you keep getting into relationships like this. For a teenager to notice... well< I can only assume this recent gym incident is just the tip of the iceberg.

OP after seeing your update, I'd say you haven't yet learnt to heed the red flags sufficiently to be able to safely enter a new relationship. This is particularly important given you have kids. Well done on listening to your gut though and reaching out to MN.

But seriously, dump this one ASAP. The red flags could not be waving any more brightly with him. Honestly, do it this weekend, don't give him a chance to "talk you round". It's really not fair on your kids to have their mum in another controlling relationship.

It's only going to get worse OP.
Bit by bit, drip, drip, drip...

So, doing some exercise of your choice is ‘building a life without him’? And when you disobey him he gives you the silent treatment? And your teenager has noticed you aren’t allowed to do certain things? OP, you need to get rid of this man. He’s not loving and kind. He’s controlling and petulant.

Echo the above, if even your teen DC can notice the red flags you really need to get out NOW !!!

Abruptly telling a woman who has come here looking for help to ‘Do better.’ and that she’s a ‘massive parenting fail’ is actually really crappy victim-blaming and lacking in understanding. How is that a helpful way to convey your point?

How many other incidents have their been that your teenager has noticed? Can to tell us about them? I'm afraid I think you've been targeted by another abuser.

Op, when your life gets to the point that you have to ask strangers if you're allowed to go to the gym or not because your boyfriend says you're not....then it's time to not only dump the boyfriend immediately, but also stay single for a while whilst you learn that someone isn't allowed to control you. He isn't treating you like a princess, he's treating you like his object.

In a normal healthy relationship, this would have been the convo..
'I'm going to take up cross fit'
'Good for you'

In a relationship where you've missed the red flags up till now for whatever reason.
'I'm going to take up cross fit'
'I won't allow it (a version of'
'Don't be so utterly absurd. I'm afraid you don't get to control what I do or don't do. If you think you do, then we'd best finish this relationship here and now'

He is the nicest and kindest, most genuine man I’ve ever met, and he treats me like a princess but I’m not liking this side in him that I’m starting to see more and more.

I did text him and tell him that I’d been today when he asked what I was upto, he never replied and hasn’t asked about it or my day when we’ve spoken on the phone since.

So basically he's only nice and kind to you when you are being "obedient" to him? It's always a great test of a man's character how he handles your saying no to him! (My husband wouldn't bat an eyelid because he's not controlling, you're right that they're not all like that.)

The fact your child has picked up on this is, frankly, terrifying. Dump him and do the Freedom Programme ASAP. Unfortunately it is very common for people who have been in one abusive relationship to end up in another one, but you can take actions to prevent this happening again. (Well done for realising that all was not well!)

Unfortunately you’re in another abusive relationship. You likely missed it because your self esteem took a battering in the last abusive relationship and this man’s attention was therefore very nice, and because he’s more subtle in his abuse, more specifically because being controlling is how he abuses you. It can’t be that subtle though if your teenager has noticed. You need to end the relationship and complete the freedom programme as a matter of urgency.

He’s not a genuine nice man though is he? Who the hell does he think he is giving you ultimatums like that?
Thank goodness you’re seeing this now, drop him like the hot sack of shit he is and DO NOT TIE YOURSELF TO HIM. He will get worse as he gets more comfortable and you drive yourself mad trying to please him.

No, most men aren't, but this one definitely is.

I've been with DP for 20 years. I've not once told her she "can't do" something. She once wanted to do something clearly unsafe and I asked her not to do it, but I'd never have demanded she didn't do it.

Oh darling, this is not good. Your original post was bad enough and the follow ups just make it worse. Yes, your radar is a little off and this one is a bad fish, please throw him back. You deserve so much better.

Did you get help after your last abusive relationship? If not, you might just be falling into the same patterns of behaviour.

My local Women's Aid run a course based on the Freedom Programme for women who are in / have been in abusive relationships. It was a real eye opener for me. It was very helpful in understanding behaviour and our responses. If you haven't had help, I would suggest you get some. It really helped me.

So he's okay with you doing things that he is able to supervise/ensure that no man is able to look at you, much less interact with you and where you aren't able to potentially look at or speak to anybody else?

That's not a good thing - that's a very, very bad thing, as it means he's convinced that you'll be picking randoms up if you're allowed out by yourself.

There are lots of good men out there Op but the abusive/controlling ones have a sense for the women who are vunerable, you've been in an abusive relationship so maybe you're too willing to see the good in this man. As @unsync says, you need to learn what to look for and understand how not to take people at face value. The fact your teenager can see through him and you can't says an awful lot.

He is the nicest and kindest, most genuine man I’ve ever met, and he treats me like a princess but I’m not liking this side in him that I’m starting to see more and more.

All men are nice and kind when you first meet them.
That’s why it’s so important that people take their time before rushing into things such as moving in together or introducing their kids.

If your kids have picked up on him being controlling then it’s obviously bern happening a lot more than you’ve realised.

This relationship obviously needs to end as it sounds like it could get very bad.

Regarding the cross fit though, my first thought was he knows someone who does it locally and doesn’t want you speaking to them - perhaps an ex or OW.

They always are the nicest, kindest and most genuine in the beginning...

Exdh new partner thinks this. He was violent to both me and the children and he's managed to convince her I'm the woman scorned. I don't think she knows about the restraining order or his court ordered perpetrators course.

The mask will slip. He's let you see him for who he really is. Ignore it at your peril.

🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

This post brings back painful memories for me....please don't continue.

Speak to your friends and family to help you get some perspective.

Really hope you take notice of the advice offered on here.

You'll make new friends? He's worried you will make new friends?

Who is this man child

He's literally waving red flags like an air traffic controller

He is the nicest and kindest, most genuine man I’ve ever met

Well if he was controlling and abusive from the start and all of the time you would never have dated him. He is like this so that he can be controlling, and have you second guessing yourself like you are with whether or not you are allowed to do some exercise on your own.

100% controlling and abusive