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Original poster

Am I wrong to do something I want even though he says I shouldn’t?

227 replies

DelilahDelia · 25/04/2024 13:13

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we don’t live together but see each other as often as we can, which can be hectic as we live 45mins apart, have 4 dc between us and both work full time.
He’s into the gym and bodybuilding and we spend a fair bit of time at the gym together.
I don’t like going to my local gym so I thought I’d quite like to try CrossFit, so signed up for a month to give it a go and see if it was for me. I plan to go when we aren’t together.
it’s caused a massive argument, he doesn’t think I should do it. His points were -
He says it feels like I’m trying to build my own life without him,
I don’t do the things I already should be doing
I don’t have time
I’ll make new friends
I’ll be even more tired when I see him.

I’ve explained that it’s not going to interfere with our time together, but I really don’t want to give it up without trying it and feel he shouldn’t be telling me what I can and can’t do in this way, it was fine for me to go to the gym and do weights. He goes to the gym 5 times a week.
I’m doing it in my spare time and paying for it out of my own money, am I being unreasonable by going and doing it?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/04/2024 11:15

Who wants to be treated like a princess? Personally I'd rather be treated as an equal.

candycane222 · 26/04/2024 11:41

pinkyredrose · 26/04/2024 11:15

Who wants to be treated like a princess? Personally I'd rather be treated as an equal.

Absolutely!

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/04/2024 11:45

Yeah the Princess thing is a red flag in itself. A good man and good partner shouldn’t treat you like a toy or a prize or something to be wheeled out to impress their body-building friends.

As PPs have said all the characteristics he has identified as negatives are actually things that strong women with a decent sense of self do.

I urge you to dump this man before you become more embroiled. His whole worldview is warped and deeply misogynistic. You may win this battle but this is just the start.

Life is too short

Ellie525 · 26/04/2024 11:48

Red red flags.... run!!!

Hes not the nicest kindest man if he is giving you ultimatums like this

TheCultureHusks · 26/04/2024 11:57

I was going to say that too.

‘He treats me like a Princess’

RED FUCKING FLAG

He should be treating you as an equal, a partner, a friend, and as someone he respects, likes, and is prepared to support and listen to.

Not like a prize he’s won.

OP everyone is pointing out here that you’ve got a classic situation where what started well is beginning to fall apart as he gets more comfy and starts showing his real character.

The most important thing is that you DON’T think ‘Oh, issues but we can sort them out…’ NO. The whole point is that this is him

So you could ‘sort’ these things out… by living your life in a constant slight battle to make him act as if he respects you and sees you as an equal, when in fact he doesn’t, it’s not his nature, and it’ll be an act or a grudging acceptance, not a true honest series of interactions. A life of ‘Oh I can’t do anything right!’ ‘Oh I knew you wouldn’t like that buuuut’ -a life of frustration and feeling that you have to fight to take up space and be heard. A life of plastering on a smile in the pub next to him as he makes another ‘joke’ about how ‘feisty’ you are, as if you wanting to be seen as an actual human being and not ‘Mah Princess!’ is something to laugh about. Pat on the head!

DUMP. HIM.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 12:07

Use your time in Cross Fit to get as fit as you can so that you can run as FAST as you can AWAY from this bloke!

He's not your forever bloke. Definitely not that. Back in the pool for him.

Isthisit22 · 26/04/2024 12:12

Please google coercive control. This is textbook: trying to control what you do, trying to isolate you from friends, trying to become all you have so you can’t leave them.
Dump him now - don’t wait till you have more evidence as you will be in a harder and harder position to leave.

Powderblue1 · 26/04/2024 12:21

Big fat red flag 🚩

toomuchfaff · 26/04/2024 12:24

Wow... I didn't even get to the bottom of your post before thinking this guys a prick and you're not setting boundaries.

You need to do some research on controlling behaviour, because this is red flag city..

You don't owe him an explanation, you don't owe him your time, he can't demand your energy, he can't dictate your activities..

Boo fucking hoo that you may be tired, it's all very him centric. I'd get in the car to get away from this mofo not just run...

Bringbackspring · 26/04/2024 12:30

I like to be quite measured in my responses but this has more red flags than a red flag parade!!! This will not get better, sorry OP. If you give this man an inch, he's going to take 1000 miles.

BogRollBOGOF · 26/04/2024 12:45

He thinks you're an accessory that he can control. He likes you going to the gym under his terms because that maintains you in good condition as an atractive girlfriend, but he doesn't want you to go to your choice of gym under your own terms.

It's early days, he's a casual boyfriend. Dump and block and be grateful that he showed his true colours nice and early. It will not get any better than this, and will only get worse as you enmesh your lives.

WhimsicalMoth · 26/04/2024 12:57

Drop him as fast as you can, and do it for yourself. I don't understand why he'd even deem this an issue

Daleksatemyshed · 26/04/2024 13:08

He's not answering your message because you didn't do as you were told. Thin end of the wedge Op, time to move on

Peonies12 · 26/04/2024 13:09

Why do you even have to ask. Honestly I despair

Caroparo52 · 26/04/2024 13:29

First nail the the coffin for the relationship.
Join and ditch him

Original poster
DelilahDelia · 26/04/2024 13:32

It’s definitely getting worse more recently…there’s been a few other things similar to this happen.
One of my teenage dc’s has noticed, and often will remark at things I’m doing or going to do by saying ‘ooh, are you allowed to do that?’

I came out of a long abusive relationship, so might not be great at spotting the red flags as nothing is as bad as that was.

Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!

OP posts:
Heartoverhead1 · 26/04/2024 13:37

DelilahDelia · 26/04/2024 13:32

It’s definitely getting worse more recently…there’s been a few other things similar to this happen.
One of my teenage dc’s has noticed, and often will remark at things I’m doing or going to do by saying ‘ooh, are you allowed to do that?’

I came out of a long abusive relationship, so might not be great at spotting the red flags as nothing is as bad as that was.

Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!

No they're not - but your radar seems to be a bit off. Think about what you're modeling about relationships for your children here, show them the only acceptable level of control in a relationship is none and dump him.

Greywitch2 · 26/04/2024 13:38

DelilahDelia · 26/04/2024 13:32

It’s definitely getting worse more recently…there’s been a few other things similar to this happen.
One of my teenage dc’s has noticed, and often will remark at things I’m doing or going to do by saying ‘ooh, are you allowed to do that?’

I came out of a long abusive relationship, so might not be great at spotting the red flags as nothing is as bad as that was.

Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!

No, of course all men aren't controlling or abusive. Most men are normal, pleasant, reasonable human beings.

But THIS man is abusive and controlling. Don't stick with him because you think 'Oh well, this is what men are like'. They aren't.

All of us here are telling you that this is not normal, not acceptable and he's someone you should get rid of.

Find yourself one of the (genuinely) millions of men who aren't abusive to their partners.

TheseLegsDefinitelyUsedToBeLonger · 26/04/2024 14:02

EmoIsntDead · 25/04/2024 20:18

Girl, run like your tampon string is on fire 🔥

Brilliant… I’m nicking this!

Changingplace · 26/04/2024 14:03

DelilahDelia · 26/04/2024 13:32

It’s definitely getting worse more recently…there’s been a few other things similar to this happen.
One of my teenage dc’s has noticed, and often will remark at things I’m doing or going to do by saying ‘ooh, are you allowed to do that?’

I came out of a long abusive relationship, so might not be great at spotting the red flags as nothing is as bad as that was.

Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!

The fact your teenager has picked up on this of their own accord here says it all.

For your own sake, and for your kids sake you need to leave this relationship and be able to honestly say you’re all allowed to do whatever you like as an adult.

How long before he starts thinking he can tell your kids what they can & can’t do?

Choresavoidance · 26/04/2024 14:09

I wanted to put my head in my hands when you said you had been in a previous abusive relationship . Your teen has noticed - they know the signs . Please do not put any of you in that position again . LTB !

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 14:15

@DelilahDelia - you wrote "I came out of a long abusive relationship, so might not be great at spotting the red flags as nothing is as bad as that was.

Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!"

They aren't. Really they aren't.
However, if you have come out of a long relationship that was abusive, it does tend to skew your view on what is healthy and what isn't, what is acceptable and what isn't, especially as at the start of any relationship you're in the honeymoon phase of it and you're all over the place with endorphins and hormones.

My advice at this stage would be for you to decide that this particular relationship is not going to last, and for you to take some time for you and your kids and not have any sort of long term thing for a while. Learn to enjoy your own solitude and company, learn to like spending time with your kids (and hopefully they'll enjoy spending time with their mum) and give yourself a break.

Best of luck to you with this!

Uricon2 · 26/04/2024 14:15

He's really controlling OP and if you don't give in over this (you shouldn't) it will be a matter of time until the next thing he objects to.

Re the vaping; if it was so objectionable to him, why did he start seeing you in the first place?

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 14:17

EmoIsntDead · 25/04/2024 20:18

Girl, run like your tampon string is on fire 🔥

Workout Lol GIF by Shalita Grant

What....very awkwardly with bow legs???

Mnetcurious · 26/04/2024 14:20

“Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!”

no they absolutely are not! There are plenty of great men who aren’t controlling. Your boyfriend definitely IS though. Even your kids— who I’m assuming are not adults and therefore don’t have relationship experience - have noticed it. You really need to do yourself and your children a favour and get rid of him.