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Original poster

Am I wrong to do something I want even though he says I shouldn’t?

227 replies

DelilahDelia · 25/04/2024 13:13

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we don’t live together but see each other as often as we can, which can be hectic as we live 45mins apart, have 4 dc between us and both work full time.
He’s into the gym and bodybuilding and we spend a fair bit of time at the gym together.
I don’t like going to my local gym so I thought I’d quite like to try CrossFit, so signed up for a month to give it a go and see if it was for me. I plan to go when we aren’t together.
it’s caused a massive argument, he doesn’t think I should do it. His points were -
He says it feels like I’m trying to build my own life without him,
I don’t do the things I already should be doing
I don’t have time
I’ll make new friends
I’ll be even more tired when I see him.

I’ve explained that it’s not going to interfere with our time together, but I really don’t want to give it up without trying it and feel he shouldn’t be telling me what I can and can’t do in this way, it was fine for me to go to the gym and do weights. He goes to the gym 5 times a week.
I’m doing it in my spare time and paying for it out of my own money, am I being unreasonable by going and doing it?

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/04/2024 20:34

My husband would be ecstatic if I was getting fit and making friends, because both those things are very good things. And, you know, he's not a cunt who wants to isolate me and make me solely dependent on him for my happiness in order that I struggle to realise he's an abusive cockwomble.

Unicornhat · 26/04/2024 21:19

Please run as far as your cross trained legs can carry you. Your DC has noticed? You will forever regret staying with him. No good will come from this relationship, please put yourself and your kids first, his behaviour is extremely worrying. Look at the poll results and all these comments- please run now

Toptops · 26/04/2024 21:19

What a wassock

AnnieSnap · 26/04/2024 22:09

DelilahDelia · 26/04/2024 13:32

It’s definitely getting worse more recently…there’s been a few other things similar to this happen.
One of my teenage dc’s has noticed, and often will remark at things I’m doing or going to do by saying ‘ooh, are you allowed to do that?’

I came out of a long abusive relationship, so might not be great at spotting the red flags as nothing is as bad as that was.

Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!

No, not all men are, but this one is. You need to get away from him before this becomes damaging.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 26/04/2024 22:26

Not all men are like that. However if you’ve been in an abusive relationship you’re more likely to get into another one later. You can do the Freedom programme online for about £15, it will help you spot the signs. Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft might be helpful too.

browneyes77 · 26/04/2024 22:34

This man is exceptionally insecure and controlling.

And therefore wants to control what you do to make himself feel in control of you and the relationship.

He doesn’t want you making new friends and working out without him because in his mind that absolutely must mean you’ll meet someone else. Even though you may have never given him any kind of reason to believe that, he is so insecure, that anything you do that involves you opening up your social circle will make him want to stop that from happening.

He’s trying to isolate you and control you, to placate his own insecurities.

The fact that your own child has noticed how controlling he is, speaks volumes. The man is a walking red flag 🚩

I’d run if I were you.

Noseybookworm · 26/04/2024 22:41

Do you really have to ask if it's ok for your boyfriend to tell you what you can or can't do? Really? 🙄

Noseybookworm · 26/04/2024 22:44

DelilahDelia · 26/04/2024 13:32

It’s definitely getting worse more recently…there’s been a few other things similar to this happen.
One of my teenage dc’s has noticed, and often will remark at things I’m doing or going to do by saying ‘ooh, are you allowed to do that?’

I came out of a long abusive relationship, so might not be great at spotting the red flags as nothing is as bad as that was.

Surely not all men are controlling or abusive?!

No of course all men aren't controlling or abusive. But it sounds like you keep choosing men that are so you might need to think about why that is? And what sort of example you are giving your teenagers?

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 26/04/2024 22:53

He has acted as a gentleman and lovebombed you.

his true character is being now revealed - no one can keep p acting forever

i agreed - leave

Longdarkcloud · 27/04/2024 01:45

Once he feels secure he will commence the gaslighting and controlling. Men like that never start out showing their true colours because they know you’d run a mile.

Voodoohoodoyoudo · 27/04/2024 02:04

What the fuck?
He sounds very controlling. Get rid! He will only get worse. 'Make new friends' 😒🙄
What a bell end.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 05:23

Even your child has noticed that he is controlling you. Come on, what kind of example are you giving there? No not all men are like that but this man is.

GRex · 27/04/2024 06:07

Good humans see their loved ones making friends as a positive. There are so many red flags here, you need to leave him and work on how to find more positive relationships.

SprainedBum · 27/04/2024 06:13

He sounds disproportionately reactive to what are actually quite minor things. Is he taking steroids?

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 27/04/2024 07:22

Honestly he sounds controlling. The being lovely and kind until you do something 'wrong' is a massive red flag. There's no reason you can't do exercise. I'd think is there other things you shouldn't do or feel uncomfortable telling him about? Are there things you do to make him happy or keep the peace? The fact that your dc noticed is worrying you don't want them thinking that's the norm.

I was with an abusive man who dictated who I saw , where I went etc. (it started with little things and yes he was lovely and kind ) I didn't realise for years as I grew up in dv situation so I saw abuse as getting smacked and punched.

Iaminthefly · 27/04/2024 07:38

Please leave this man. You"ve gone from one abusive man to another. Please don't set this example to your teenage daughter.

No, not all men are abusive and controlling but there's plenty of them out there. This man is one of them. Run.

Newestname002 · 27/04/2024 08:14

@DelilahDelia

He has absolutely no right to react like this and try and demand you don't do what you wushu to do with your time.

Also:

It’s definitely getting worse more recently…there’s been a few other things similar to this happen.
One of my teenage dc’s has noticed, and often will remark at things I’m doing or going to do by saying ‘ooh, are you allowed to do that?’

If your children have noticed - and now commenting - on his continuing controlling behaviour towards you it's time to leave this Relationship. Put him far in your rear view mirror. 🌹

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 27/04/2024 08:20

What makes him think he gets a say?

RancidRuby · 27/04/2024 08:24

He is the nicest and kindest, most genuine man I’ve ever met, and he treats me like a princess

So did my controlling ex, he completely love bombed me initially and then when I was sucked in the control started to creep in. If they didn't have this wonderful side then nobody would put up with their shit for long. It's just an act to keep you reeled in, as you've now found out as he's giving you the silent treatment for not complying. Nothing nice, kind or genuine about that is there? End this relationship, it will only get worse.

Oneearringlost · 27/04/2024 08:40

ICanFixHim · 25/04/2024 19:23

You don't need a man that treats you like a princess, you need one that respects and trusts you.

All that princess stuff is such crap and good men don't need to love bomb then control you.

Show quote history

It REALLY worries me when women use/appreciate the words and action 'treating me like a princess'.
They need to be treating you as an equal human being, autonomous, with the life experience you have from bringing your children up, to having your job/career, to your right to make your own decisions.
Your own child has noticed this. Please notice this too.
As a PP noted, how long will it be before he starts telling your children what they can and can't do?

Oneearringlost · 27/04/2024 08:44

Meant to say @ICanFixHim Completely agree with this.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2024 09:29

What does 'treating you like a princess' even actually mean?

What does it involve? Does it mean he just has to say 'you're my princess and I'll protect you' every once in a while and in return you're under his control at all times? And, if there was to be a family situation you would do all the women's work, childcare, wait on him hand and foot and in return he'd make out he's rescue you from a fire.

Startingagainandagain · 27/04/2024 09:32

Dump him and enjoy your life.

This is a red flag. He is trying to control you.

JMSA · 27/04/2024 09:36

I hope you like RUNning! 🚩

MadMadaMim · 28/04/2024 00:30

His points were -
it feels like I’m trying to build my own life without him
Why is that a problem? Is it not OK to have separate, different interests?
This sounds controlling and manipulative.

*I don’t do the things I already should be doing
*What things would they be and why does he think he has a say in what you should /shouldn't be doing? He's your BF, not your parent.
This sounds controlling and he's trying to guilt trip you

*I don’t have time
*Based on what? You clearly do have time as you've already been. And even if yihh didn't gave time, whose decision is that? Yours
This sounds controlling

*I’ll make new friends
*This is the real problem he has. He wants to isolate you so he can control you. A normal partner would be happy at the prospect of their loved one making and having friends.

*I’ll be even more tired when I see him.
*This seems to be the only possibly acceptable reason for him not to want you to od this, however it's not his decision.

And that your children say oubtloud "is that allowed/are you allowed" means that you are definitely allowing him to control you enough for it to be noticeable.

Being in a less abusive relationship is not better. It's still abusive. Being coerced and controlled less is till being coerced and controlled.