My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

I bet you either don't have children or they are very young. Not a single person with adult children on this thread has said that how you feel about your child reaches their 18th birthday.

I don't know who is living with who, but it is time to get away from someone who has the ability to hurt you like that and uses it. I would not be able to live with myself if I had the means to prevent my adult child's death and chose my own life instead. I mean, I may say I would try and fight before just giving up and dying, a practical response. But, to outright say that you would choose your own life over your child's is unhinged unless your child is an abusive jerk. Even if you don't actually feel like you would die for your child, you should care enough about their feelings that you lie about it.
And I think that is the biggest issue here, that some people are glossing over because they also would choose their own life above all others. This is not actually about whether her mom would take a bullet for her. It is about whether she cares enough about OP to say she would take a bullet for her.

OP I understand exactly why you feel upset, and even in the context of what sounds like a far from perfect mother daughter relationship, it stings to be told explicitly that your own parent doesn’t love you to that extent, especially having your own DC and knowing what you would do in that hypothetical situation. I had similar from my own mother- in a conversation about someone having a kidney transplant from their parent she told me of her own accord that she would not do the same for me. I have never felt loved by her but it still stings every time she shows me that she doesn’t care.

Several posters have said similar. But my chief point is that it's utterly ridiculous to get so exercised over a purely hypothetical situation.

Whether I have children of any age isn't relevant. And I've never suggested anyone's feelings automatically alter when their child turns 18. I simply don't think that someone's response to an off the cuff question about whether they would die for their adult child necessarily says anything important about the quality of their parenting.

I'm really sorry to read that there are so many adults that have parents that make them feel like s**t. It breaks my heart.

You're not alone OP. My mother is totally selfish. Just today I had a biopsy she's not rung, texted or even asked how it went. She doesn't give a shit.
I'm very sorry your mother is the way she is. My view is to draw on the people who are there for you & who want to be. It's been hard for me to let go of the idea that my mother will be there for me without her needs being the overriding reason. It's painful but you are not alone

We aren't talking about the "quality of the parenting" though. We are talking about whether a parent loves their child as much as themselves or at least cares enough to pretend they do. If you love your child enough to take a bullet for them now it won't change when they are adults. If you don't think that is the case perhaps think about the fact that everyone on this thread with an adult child has said otherwise.

@Nextdoor55 hope it went as well as can be expected and the results are what you hope 🩷

Nothing takes away the pain of a rubbish mum, but I'm proud of you! And i hope you have surrounded yourself with love 🩷

Thank you that's really kind of you I really appreciate it

Nextdoor wishing you all the best with your results 💐. I also have a similar mother and it's been a long sad letting go...

How is ‘love’ different from ‘the quality of the parenting’, though? Love isn’t the most important thing. I can think of parents who no doubt love their children in their own way, but aren’t capable of raising them safely or well on a day to day basis. They might well take a bullet for their child in extremis, but weren’t able to translate that love into the day to day decisions, prioritisation, and attention that make a good upbringing.

And I think if we’re talking about pretending you’d take a bullet for your adult child as some kind of proof of ultimate love, that’s pretty silly.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My mother said many hurtful things to me over the years and now she has been dead for 12 years, those remarks very much tarnish my memories of her. Have I forgiven her? I am afraid not and I will never understand why she thought it was okay to say such things. I really think we should all consider what damage we will be leaving with others when we pass away and it's too late to fix it.

Astounded by the comments. Your Children don’t stop becoming your children once they hit 18! I’d die for my kids without hesitation and my mum would fore without question (though she’d throw me in front of a train for her grandchildren 😂)

I have a similar mother, came back after a lumpectomy feeling dreadful, recently separated and three kids, just wanted to get in bed. Step dad, who had picked me up, insisted that mother wanted me to ring her, expected it to be to enquire how i was but no was to tell me how she had been to GP that day with a breast lump and the GP said it was going to be cancer. I've long given up all hope that she could be anything but self centred!

Hope all goes well for you, its a very stressful time with the waiting for results💐

Would you die for your mother?

On the face of it, you're both adults, you've both raised children to adulthood.

How repsonsible will you feel for your daughter in 20 years? After she's cut the apron strings and raised her own family.

If you had to choose between your daughter and her (future) child, who would you save?

Because part of spanning the generations is also transferring responsibility to the youngest, and being part of the village raising them.

There's both the practical and emotional in that theoretical question. And the realism that the older we get, the less capable we are of saving anyone.

I bet when you were growing up, your mum would have died for you. But mission successful. You grew up. And now have a grown up child of your own. Apron strings cut. But mum loving you always.

Of course love and quality of parenting are not always the same thing. I am sure there are sociopaths out there who perform the actions of being a good parent when their children are younger but don't really love them much or anyone. Obviously there are also people who love their children but aren't up to the job of parenting. Neither are ideal. The best parents love their children and give them a good upbringing.

Where did I say pretending you would take a bullet for your child is the ultimate proof of love?

Well at 60 her best years Are behind her 🤣. But yes you're an adult, different to a little child

I would absolutely die for my adult children. It's easy to say that though, as it's vanishingly unlikely ever to be required. Also, if it were a planned thing, like a transplant, I'd do it, but if we were about to be run over by a train I can't promise that I wouldn't panic in the moment and save myself first.

A slight aside, but why do you say “I’m no Feminist, but I agree”? I didn’t think being a Feminist is relevant here and I also wonder why you are not a Feminist! A Feminist is a woman who believes that women are equal to men and should have equal rights to men. If you’re a woman, not being a Feminist is weird!

I wouldn't be upset by it but I would be annoyed. I get what others are saying that you aren't a child any more but surely all of us SHOULD want to put our loved ones first/ especially our children?

Tbh YABU , to expect so much from someone whom you know has nothing to give. That's how you end up being hurt and disappointed over and over again.

My mum was pretty crap too , to put it mildly, and while she might SAY she might die for me I KNOW it's absolute bollocks so it's no comfort really. In fact, it used to be even more of a mindfuck as her words and actions didn't match up.

@OldPerson I already said before - yes I would die for her because no matter how shitty she is, I don't think in all good faith I could just sit and watch her die. No, I don't believe she would have died for me when u was a child either, her parenting has always been subpar at best.

@Nextdoor55 I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're OK x x

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat The way she said it didn't help. She went on to say that she didn't have many years left (she's fit, healthy and only 60) and she'd rather live those remaining years without me than not at all. She couldn't even be arsed to say "of course I'd be devastated".

@DuesToTheDirt She has said in the past that she wouldn't give me an organ either- this was when i was much younger too.