My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

Would your Mum die for your daughter?

See, I don't think it should go both ways. I do what I can for my mum, but I wouldn't die for her. She is old and in poor health, she has had a lot of good years, and in the natural order of things I have more years left than she does. I'd say the same for my children too, that I'd never expect nor want them to die for me. I hope they will outlive me by many years. It's the natural order of things, and that's one reason I'd die for them.

All this would you die for me sounds so teenagish and immature.

This reminds me of a Ryan Reynolds quote:

“I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair,”

Joking aside I think most of us would say we would, even if we don't think it's true, not just to spare the child's feelings but because it makes you look pretty bad to say otherwise. You don't quite know what you would do so why not choose the one that makes you look like a good mum and heroic?
I'd look on this as evidence your mum has some kind of social problems more than anything.

@charabang I'm not fit. I'm disabled - I struggle on the stairs. Out of the two of us, her chances against a possible intruder would likely be better than mine.

@CalMeKate No she wouldn't.

Just read your update. "Would rather live without you"... personally I'd rather not live at all than to live without my dc. Everyone's different though

Well, yes, it was asked by OP's daughter - who is a t(w)eenager!

It feels shit when you realise your parents are a bit crap. At least you know your daughter knows you would die for her.

I like the attached photo. It makes me feel good about my decision making.

The situation cited is a ridiculous one because the mother actually doesn’t have a choice. The villain could simply kill them both. The test scenario for me is would I put myself in danger to save my child by running into the road or jumping into a lake for example. The answer is I wouldn’t sacrifice my life to save my adult children but would do so to save my grandchildren. My children know this and understand - they are, after all, adults

Thank you. Sadly mothers like ours do not deserve children.
I am awaiting results but hopeful for good news

So you wouldn't put your life in danger to save your children? When you say they know this have you actually had a conversation about it?

My mum would try to sacrifice herself to save me. I wouldn't let her.

We'd end up both dying, squabbling with each other to the end.

Feels fitting, I suppose.

@therubbleoroursins At least there would be a squabble. Lol. In my case it'd be:

Me: Take me instead.
My Mother: Yes! Take her!

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP.

I don't understand the line of thinking that someone is only valuable to us, to sacrifice our lives for, if they're a child. There is more than a couple of adults I'd sacrifice my life for, so they could live. No questions asked.

I'd sacrifice my life for my mother. Age doesn't come into it. How you wouldn't feel stronger than that for your own child, I don't know.

I'm sorry your mother hasn't been the mum you needed. It's a terrible shame.

TBH for some people it's easier. I know it is for me. I'm not particularly fussed about dying. The only issue is notleaving DD without a mum while she is still young, so her being an adult would actually make it easier.

My mum and I recently chatted about a scenario in which I and my young daughter were at risk of death, she could only save one of us.

She ultimately said she would save my daughter, as much as would go against her own maternal instinct to see me die, she felt I wouldn’t forgive her letting my young child die. I agreed with her.

I do think that these hypothetical conversations quite often get tricky though and lead to upset like what you’re feeling.

I'm not surprised your mum said that...

Neither am I.

And yes it IS weird for a mother to not put the needs and safety of her own children first. And yes I will judge them if they don't. And so will many others.

Of course I have. They are adults and are quite capable of looking after themselves.

We are surely talking about a situation where they are not able to look after themselves for some reason. Are you saying you wouldn't risk your life for them?

It's not maternal self sacrifice it's parental self sacrifice and both me and my husband would prioritise our adult children'a lives over our own. You don't stop being a parent just because your children are grown up.

I would suggest in almost every scenario I can think of the chances of all of you dying are extremely high. I cannot think of a realistic circumstance in which my sacrifice would save the life of my adult child. If both parent and grandparent die in an attempt to do what Mumsnet thinks is right who is going to look after the grandchildren?

When we started this thread there was no mention of “risking” your life only of sacrificing it.

Does it matter if you can't think of a scenerio?

You were the one who mentioned it when you said "The test scenario for me is would I put myself in danger to save my child by running into the road or jumping into a lake for example. The answer is I wouldn’t sacrifice my life to save my adult children "