Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

402 replies

LostSoul89 · 25/04/2024 09:17

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 26/04/2024 22:28

LandArt · 25/04/2024 09:22

Honestly, I think it’s a bit much to expect someone to sacrifice their life for an adult child who is old enough to have an 18 year old. I wouldn’t see it as ‘selfish’. The idea of maternal self-sacrifice is deeply engrained and doesn’t do women any favours.

I agree.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 26/04/2024 22:29

LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 22:26

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat The way she said it didn't help. She went on to say that she didn't have many years left (she's fit, healthy and only 60) and she'd rather live those remaining years without me than not at all. She couldn't even be arsed to say "of course I'd be devastated".

Is this the first time she has been this blunt about exactly where you stand in her list of priorities?

Original poster
LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 22:32

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat No, and I know you're probably going to say that I should be used to it or what did I expect but I can't help that it hurt me.

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 26/04/2024 22:33

YABU

The chances of their being a hostage situation where there was a choice between you and your mum is vanishingly small.
The reality is, that no one would really know what they would say until they were actually in that situation... so beating someone up (metaphorically) for making the "wrong" choice seems nuts to me.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 26/04/2024 22:35

LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 22:32

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat No, and I know you're probably going to say that I should be used to it or what did I expect but I can't help that it hurt me.

I was only asking because having it bluntly and suddenly confirmed like that can be brutal. Until then, there's always a bit of hope. Sometimes there still is even when you do hear it again and again. We can't help but wish for more.

Sadly, she is not the mother you want or need. You'll have to make your peace with that somehow and accept it , otherwise you'll just keep getting hurt. I should know, been there, done that and then did it all over again because apparently I'm a slow learner.You deserve better than that.

Original poster
LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 22:35

I think some people are missing what I'm trying to say. It wasn't adked as a "if we were in a hostage situation" question. It was a scenario where you had the option to save someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 22:37

And also, like I said before - my age is irrelevant- she wouldn't have died for anyone ever she said.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 22:39

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat It sounds maybe overly dramatic but the other shitty stuff I get from her always seemed easier to withstand because in the back of my mind I thought that when the chips were down she would care enough but obviously not.

OP posts:
Doubledenim305 · 26/04/2024 22:40

You sound lovely and ur mum less so.
Accept that she has said or expressed something unkind, and rise above it. You are your own person and just accept that some people are broken/unkind/damaged.
💕 Hugs tho. Hard one.

pineapplesundae · 26/04/2024 23:02

My daughter is in her thirties and I would gladly take a bullet for her.

dragonscannotswim · 26/04/2024 23:20

LandArt · 25/04/2024 09:22

Honestly, I think it’s a bit much to expect someone to sacrifice their life for an adult child who is old enough to have an 18 year old. I wouldn’t see it as ‘selfish’. The idea of maternal self-sacrifice is deeply engrained and doesn’t do women any favours.

This!

brunettemic · 26/04/2024 23:26

My word…grow up!

Original poster
LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 23:31

@brunettemic I'm not the only one who feels this way - do they all need to grow up too?

I can't get over how rude some people are. It's like kindness died. I get that people might not agree with each other but kindness costs nothing.

OP posts:
Mielbee · 26/04/2024 23:45

LostSoul89 · 25/04/2024 09:17

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

I'd be deeply hurt if my mum said this to me. I'm an adult, yes, but I'm still her child! My daughter is still very young but I hope I would always feel that way about her. And I'd expect the same from her dad (not mine though, he definitely wouldn't die for me).

SabreIsMyFave · 26/04/2024 23:47

LostSoul89 · 26/04/2024 23:31

@brunettemic I'm not the only one who feels this way - do they all need to grow up too?

I can't get over how rude some people are. It's like kindness died. I get that people might not agree with each other but kindness costs nothing.

Ignore the rude remarks @LostSoul89Flowers I am on your side (as are many others. And roughly 6 out of 10 people agree according to the poll!)

Any decent mother would die for their child - no matter what that child's age. YANBU at ALL.

OldPerson · 27/04/2024 00:37

Lostsoul - We're not as emotionally involved with your mother as you are.

It sounds like she's never going to value you as you need or want to be valued.

Maybe it's an idea to put more space between you and your mother and less space between you and your daughter. Although you sound like you have a close and loving relationship with your daughter.

You can be angry at your mother for the rest of your life. You can forever fight to have her recognised as the "neglectful, unfit" parent.

But you're wasting your time.

She is what she is. She was what she was.

She will never be the parent you wanted. She will never be villified the way you want for the pain she caused you.

The hardest thing in the world is to break out of a dysfunctional or unhappy relationship when emotions are involved.

Think of every sad sap in an abusive romantic relationship who says "but I love him."

I also know a couple of people who are very angry at their parents - parents now suffering from dementia - and the huge weekly visiting and financial burden their parents are.

Put the past to bed. And create more distance between you and your mother. And enjoy your relaitonship with your daughter.

JKRisGalileo · 27/04/2024 01:35

I think that you are a loving person who is, despite an extraordinarily self-centred mother, normal and decent. Your reaction is the normal parental one and hers is not normal at all.
Just keep being your normal loving self and realise that your ability to love selflessly is a gift that she tragically doesn't have. Whatever formed her into the utterly egocentric person that she is today, whatever it was, be thankful that that didn't happen to you. It's possible that she was hurt or neglected at a very early stage in life – either that or her character was ruined by neglectful spoiling and indulgence that never gave her heart a chance to grow.
I sympathise with your hurt; narcissistic parents are the hurt that keeps on hurting until you allow yourself to heal from expecting them to behave like normal loving people.
Just realise that she can't love and pity her. Try not to expect normal feelings and behaviour from someone who isn't normal. Then give some love to yourself so you can keep giving it to others. You are a good person and a good mother.
Wishing you all the best.

Seabreeze18 · 27/04/2024 07:01

Only read first page but wanted to say that I completely understand how you feel! It’s not the unreal situation, it’s the reading between the lines that makes u feel like u are not as loved or important as u should be. I would be hurt too! Sending u a hug xx

The34Bus · 27/04/2024 07:11

LandArt · 25/04/2024 10:00

Well, I’m a mother, of the Winnicott ‘good enough’ type, and not given to self-sacrifice in general. And honestly, this is so hypothetical I don’t think speculation is likely to bear any resemblance to what would actually happen if we were in such a horrible situation.

Show quote history

But would you deliberately say something you know would be hurtful or would you have the wit to tell a white lie?

Fangisnotacoward · 27/04/2024 07:23

I'd put my children before me, that I'm sure of.
But really, it wouldn't matter if they were young children as they are now or an adult. Grandchildren as well, if I ever get any.
In all honestly, it doesn't even feel like a choice to me. And I don't mean social pressures or conditioning, but that primal instinct to protect your children.

Mouse82 · 27/04/2024 07:24

I wouldn't die for my children either, but that doesn't mean I don't love them.

AllTheMiniEggs · 27/04/2024 07:31

I can't imagine my DC ever getting to an age where I'd say "nope, my life is more important than yours. Sorry"

I would have died for them the second they were born. And I still would. I wouldn't even want to be in a world without one of them.

charabang · 27/04/2024 07:42

You're equating self sacrifice for love. You don't actually know what your mum would do; neither does she. I would probably say no too as it's my instinct to not commit, even in hypothetic situations. My grown up children would say cheers mum and have a laugh. I would think more about your reaction and why you felt so hurt. And why would you expect your fit 60 year old mother to approach burglars rather than your fit 30/40 something self? Don't you love her enough to want to protect her? It goes both ways.

Mouse82 · 27/04/2024 07:44

charabang · 27/04/2024 07:42

You're equating self sacrifice for love. You don't actually know what your mum would do; neither does she. I would probably say no too as it's my instinct to not commit, even in hypothetic situations. My grown up children would say cheers mum and have a laugh. I would think more about your reaction and why you felt so hurt. And why would you expect your fit 60 year old mother to approach burglars rather than your fit 30/40 something self? Don't you love her enough to want to protect her? It goes both ways.

Every man women child for themselves here as we like to joke. Mine always tell me they'll save the animals first. You do that I answer back. It's a running joke at mine.

wombat15 · 27/04/2024 09:49

charabang · 27/04/2024 07:42

You're equating self sacrifice for love. You don't actually know what your mum would do; neither does she. I would probably say no too as it's my instinct to not commit, even in hypothetic situations. My grown up children would say cheers mum and have a laugh. I would think more about your reaction and why you felt so hurt. And why would you expect your fit 60 year old mother to approach burglars rather than your fit 30/40 something self? Don't you love her enough to want to protect her? It goes both ways.

Not knowing the situation is irrelevant. It is the instinctive thought that matters. If your first thought is that you would save yourself first you probably care about yourself more than anyone else.