My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

I would absolutely put myself between my adult son and any risk to his life.

I would do the same for my grandson, but though I adore my grandson beyond measure, the main reason I would put down my life for his is because I could not bear for my DS to lose his DS.

@MrsDoubtfire24 Do not tell me what happened - you were not there! What is it several people on this thread have said "You don't know until you're in that situation" Well I WAS in that situation and that's what I chose to do.

@MrsDoubtfire24 Hindsight, it was a pretty dumb and potentially dangerous move but I was scared if someone was there they would get upstairs and would rather they were distracted by me.

Funnily enough I have a vague knowledge of my own mother.

How odd that this didn't occur to you.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that most parents would not lose their lives to save their childs life whatever their r childs age.

It's not about wanting someone to die for you, it's about knowing that someone you should be able to trust to have your back really doesn't.

Yea this. I totally get it OP.

According to many posters on this thread, people don't know what they themselves would do let alone their mother.

Mumoftwo1312 · Yesterday 09:42
MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 09:33

Had a big row with my mum once when she said she’d rather my children died from lack of medication than have treatment that had been tested on animals.

Hard one to get over.

Wow that'd be almost relationship-ending for me”

Yes, it took quite some time. Never trusted her with them again.

THIS! This I what I was trying to get across.

See, I can’t understand this train of thought. OP might be an adult, but she’s her mum’s flesh and blood, and her mum has lived 20-30 years longer than she has. Besides which, I would die for any child of mine in a heartbeat whether they are child or adult. I’d even die to save my nephew or my niece if it came to it. It’s complete unconditional love. I can’t even fathom saying ‘’no’’ to that question.

Words are cheap! You have no idea what you would do in extremis unless it has actually happened to you. It did happen to me and I just froze in horror which is apparently a very common response.

I totally get it OP.

My dad would have done anything for me until his dying breath. I always knew that. It’s partly why I lost it when he got dementia, I had no one in my corner anymore, no one on this earth who I knew would do anything to help
and protect me. not that an increasingly frail man in his 80s would have been much use to a much fitter women in her late 30s/early 40s, but that’s not the point, it was the sentiment and just knowing how he felt about me, complete unconditional love.

My eldest is 21, I’d lay down my life for him in a heartbeat still, I still would if he was 50. I would do anything for him, forever.

It’s not about those words, there is a bigger meaning behind it.

There have been threads on here about that before where people have agreed.

Like they love their husband so much, they could replace the children.

Fucking hell, my dh would be toast 🤣

My only thought about him would be if he could grab one of our children/if he could get them to safety if I couldn’t.

I’ve actually had that conversation with him and he feels the same. Children first. Including the now adult one that isn’t dh biological child. Thankfully, dh has always agreed that ds his safety would come before his or mine (he’s been his stepfather a long time and loves him completely).

Interesting point. But I don't think you can compare an almost instantaneous reaction to swerve to a decision made where there has been a chance for the conscious mind to take over. I am sure I would die to save my children though I would instinctively swerve to avoid a collision. In fact I have done this on the M25. The result was to save the lives of everyone in the car. I feel like dying to save your children isn't even particularly martyr like or self sacrificing. I can't imagine what sort of horrible life I would have if something happened to them. Seems to make evolutionary sense as well especially if you are too old to have more.

Infact, about a year ago, we were in the car. Ds was sat in the front with dh as ds is so tall he can’t fit comfortably inbetween the younger two at the back.

Some dickhead stopped sharply in front of us, we thought we were going to go into the back of him and dh arm shot out in front of Ds to protect him.

We stopped in time but ds was like “awwwwwwww, daaaaaad!”

Made me love dh a little bit more that day that protecting my strapping then 20 year old was his first instinct.

I would do this for my child if he was 4 or 40

My mum would die for me because she wouldn't want her grandchildren to be without their mummy. I actually think she still would die for me even if I didn't have children.

My mother was a covert narcissist who never cared if I was injured. I would absolutely die to protect my 24-year-old DS. They don't stop being your child when they reach 18.

Well, yes, everyone is different.

Astonished at some of the comments on here. I can’t visualise any scenario of a it’s them or me situation that I would choose to save myself. I wouldn’t be able to live happily with myself anyway knowing I purposefully chose my own life over my (adult) child’s. How could any parent (of any age child) just happily continue their own life after such a choice🤷‍♀️

My mum has always said she would die for us. I think people like to think that’s what they would do but when push comes to shove, you don’t know what you’ll choose.

One time, we were in a cemetery after dark and my mum was getting more and more spooked by all the sounds. Then we heard a noise like someone running towards us. My mum shoved me out the way to run herself to safety. Never looked back. We still laugh about it now whenever she starts with the “I’d give my life for you... if there’s a fire, leave me and save yourself...”

I think, as you said, it would’ve been nice for your mum to at least pretend to have your back. Especially when you’ve been brave enough to step up before. I wonder what she might’ve said if your daughter had asked if she’d die for her?

I feel the same. This thread has been eye opening for me - far more than I thought it would be when I read the title. I just assumed the vast majority of mothers would do anything to protect their children (regardless of age) and this thread has shown that I was wrong. I was expecting a few to say ‘No bla bla’ but not as many as there are.

My mind is blown reading though the comments. I would pick to save my kids over my DH every time. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him and I’d try my best but I couldn’t live without my children. DH knows that he’s not the top of the pecking order 🤣

What are you talking about... who gives a toss about self sacrifice and rubbish about not doing women favours. Op just wants her mum to act like she gives a damn!

Read again. I mean exactly what I said. The idea that it’s ‘unnatural’ for a mother not to be prepared to die for her adult offspring, or that it suggests anything is intrinsically wrong with her does not do women any favours. Mothers are allowed to prioritise their own survival.

The OP clearly has a problematic relationship with her mother and feels she was a poor parent, but it’s ridiculous to think it’s in any way significant that she responded the way she did to an off the cuff, hypothetical question from her granddaughter. (As I said up the thread, I asked my own mother yesterday and she laughed and said ‘Dream on!’)

How old are your own kids?