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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

C Section disappointment and DH

728 replies

Lessonsinchemistry6 · 24/04/2024 09:24

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 24/04/2024 11:03

I voted YABU, as in you are being unreasonable to believe you did anything but what was best for your baby!

Labour sometimes doesn't go to plan, and you did what you needed to do to ensure her safe entrance into the world 💖

As for your "D"H - he can FUCK RIGHT OFF!! I'm incandescent that he has the balls to tell you you took the "easy option". He's a prick who should keep his mouth shut, unless he has a degree in Obs&Gynae or a vagina!!!

I hope you're healing well @Lessonsinchemistry6 and enjoying your new baby as much as possible, but if you do suspect PND, please speak to someone. I suffered in silence and it was bloody awful - get help if you need it.

aridiculousargument · 24/04/2024 11:04

LongLostSock · 24/04/2024 10:57

Major abdominal surgery after 3 days of labour...IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT

Jesus your dh is low.

This. Having gone through one, I repeat, I want to come over and give him a piece of my mind.

to hell with it, I’d say give him a piece of my fist but I think MN will say that’s against the guidelines.

IhateSPSS · 24/04/2024 11:05

This is a major indicator for domestic abuse down the line OP. Husbands who emotionally abuse their wives at the most vulnerable time of their life are a walking red flag. My exH did something similar - we had a twin pregnancy and one of their heartbeats stopped at 16 weeks, I was 5+ ketones dehydrated with hyperemesis and after the scan that told us the bad news, whilst we were still in the waiting room waiting for an Obstetrician to discuss pregnancy viability, exH said he was disappointed that 'I'd failed to hydrate myself enough and you'll have to have another after this to make up for the lost twin', I saw another couple's face when he said it and given I was almost dead from that pregnancy (my third full pregnancy hyperemesis experience) I knew there and then I'd leave the abusive psychopath - I left two years later after he bit me in a drunken rage.

If it feels wrong enough to type out this post on MN a few days after giving birth you know deep down something is wrong. Lots of support to you, please lean on MN. It's at it's best here.

Coldupnorth87 · 24/04/2024 11:06

Pound to a penny if you'd had a vaginal birth, he'd be whinging about your undercarriage and how it's taking too long to get back to having sex!

Bet he wouldn't get sliced up for you!

TeenLifeMum · 24/04/2024 11:07

Honestly, I’ve done both and neither is glamorous. My natural birth was traumatic and resulted in 32 stitches. It’s not the bounce back option for many of us. I took 10 months recovering whereas cs was 5 weeks and I felt human before that. You’ve grown a baby and are now recovering from major surgery. My husband was nothing but in awe of me post cs so this is ridiculous your dh is disappointed.

BingoMarieHeeler · 24/04/2024 11:08

BingoMarieHeeler · 24/04/2024 10:41

Wow. Your DH sounds like a real peach. Do you look down on women (your friends, family etc) who have c sections?? I bloody hope not.

Also I almost died during my c section (elective section following horrendous vaginal birth 2 years earlier). In what way is that easy, sir? Ugh what a cunt.

NCprivatelife · 24/04/2024 11:09

IhateSPSS · 24/04/2024 11:05

This is a major indicator for domestic abuse down the line OP. Husbands who emotionally abuse their wives at the most vulnerable time of their life are a walking red flag. My exH did something similar - we had a twin pregnancy and one of their heartbeats stopped at 16 weeks, I was 5+ ketones dehydrated with hyperemesis and after the scan that told us the bad news, whilst we were still in the waiting room waiting for an Obstetrician to discuss pregnancy viability, exH said he was disappointed that 'I'd failed to hydrate myself enough and you'll have to have another after this to make up for the lost twin', I saw another couple's face when he said it and given I was almost dead from that pregnancy (my third full pregnancy hyperemesis experience) I knew there and then I'd leave the abusive psychopath - I left two years later after he bit me in a drunken rage.

If it feels wrong enough to type out this post on MN a few days after giving birth you know deep down something is wrong. Lots of support to you, please lean on MN. It's at it's best here.

Jesus Christ I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you suffered from your bastard ex husband. I hope you are living a beautiful life now <3

BeaRF75 · 24/04/2024 11:11

You are healthy.
You have a healthy child.
Nothing else matters.
You (and your idiot husband) should be grateful for the surgical skill that allowed you to have a safe delivery.

SilverTotoro · 24/04/2024 11:11

OP please show your husband this thread so he realises how utterly unreasonable he is. My C-section likely saved my baby’s life and I will be forever grateful to those who delivered her. You did the right thing for your baby. To suggest anything else shows an incomprehensible level of idiocy on you DHs part.

Congratulations on your baby you sound like an amazing Mum don’t ever let anyone make you doubt that!

mammabing · 24/04/2024 11:12

Afraid I haven’t read all the replies so apologies if this has already been commented but does your hospital offer birth reflections?
I had a textbook pregnancy and beginning of labour but things took a turn after I had an epidural and I ended up having an emergency c-section. I blamed myself for weeks until I went along to my birth reflection and they talked me through what happened step by step and why the decisions were made. Turns out it wasn’t my fault at all. Baby turned his head at 9cm and got himself wedged so there was nothing I could’ve done. They could’ve tried a vaginal birth but with his heart rate from the distress of getting stuck it wasn’t worth it imo.

Noseybookworm · 24/04/2024 11:12

Your husband is being an arsehole. This is not a choice that you made, it is a decision healthcare professionals made for the safety of you and your baby. He is treating you abominably. Can you ask your midwife/doctor to speak to him and set him straight about this? Is your mum or another relative/close friend available to come and give you some help? I wouldn't want him around me if he continues. Please don't blame yourself - it's understandable to be disappointed when birth doesn't go the way you planned but you are not in any way to blame. You need to concentrate on your physical and mental/emotional recovery. Talk about your upset and disappointment with someone you trust.

ButterCrackers · 24/04/2024 11:13

Your dh says that you are to blame for the difficulties of pregnancy and labour and that you took the easy way. That is all so disgraceful. Seriously he is an unfit father and partner.

IntermittentFarting · 24/04/2024 11:14

The more I use MN, the more I appreciate my DH, despite his minor faults. He'd never behave like OP's husband.

OP, do not have further children with this man.
He doesn't even like you.

maryberryslayers · 24/04/2024 11:14

The second time in as many days I've said this.. what an absolute pig!

This would be the end of the road for me OP. I'd rather be alone than with a man that could be disappointed in me for birthing our child, however I did it.

I've done both vaginal and elective c-section. Both were hard in their own ways and neither less incredible on my part.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 24/04/2024 11:15

Well he’s a cunt and no mistake.

Everythinggreen · 24/04/2024 11:15

Your DH can fuck right off! "The easy option" who tf does he think he is!

HP07 · 24/04/2024 11:18

As someone who has had both a vaginal and a c section delivery I can assure you that the c section was not the easier option. Sure the vaginal delivery (which was induced) was much more intense and very painful but the recovery was so much easier.
I do understand that you may be disappointed that you didn’t deliver the baby in the way that you hoped however the most important thing is that the baby has arrived safely.
I can only hope that your husband has misplaced emotions regarding the delivery and perhaps he was worried for you and the baby and is taking it out on you in the wrong way. Maybe he needs to speak to someone or have a debrief about the labour/delivery.
Wishing you all the best. Please speak to someone if you feel like this is more than just passing baby blues. And don’t let it cloud your time as a new mum.

ButterCrackers · 24/04/2024 11:21

And to add … what is he doing to care for his child and yourself? I bet the answer is nothing and if he’s doing something I bet he calls this ‘helping’ rather than stepping up to his role as a father.

BoredAuditor · 24/04/2024 11:21

He's disappointed?!

Maybe his body should grow and birth any subsequent children then. Oh wait, he can't!

Absolute knob.

I'd show him this thread.

Congratulations on your dd. You made all the right decisions.

Toastjusttoast · 24/04/2024 11:22

You did the right thing having a CS. Your husband needs to apologise to you then educate himself, because he is wrong.

Mouk · 24/04/2024 11:24

Congratulations! Don't be so hard on yourself, you have been through major abdominal surgery.

Oh and your husband is a absolute prick!

Gettingonmygoat · 24/04/2024 11:24

What an arrogant uncaring twunt. Recover from the birth and make plans to leave. He has shown you what he is. Congratulations on the safe arrival of your DaughterFlowers

Annndwhyshouldicare · 24/04/2024 11:28

Good lord OP, your husband can go fuck himself! You did what was best for you and your baby. There is no "easy option" when it comes to having a baby. There are risks with everything and recovery can be difficult no matter what way you go. Do not feel guilty and do not beat yourself up over it. Your baby is here, healthy and safe. You are healthy and safe too. That is the absolute main thing. Congratulations ❤️

For what's its worth, I've had 3 c sections (1 emergency and 2 elective). I know there was nothing easy about making that choice, going through it, or recovering from it.

tara66 · 24/04/2024 11:28

Tell him he can have the next baby.
I think the YABU/YANBU is confusing here.

Libertysparkle · 24/04/2024 11:29

Congratulations on your baby.

I'm angry for you and I didn't have a c section. You did what was needed for your baby.

My first birth was very text book. The 2nd I wasn't classed as high risk but they were worried about size of baby. So I had a sweep which started my contractions. My first was 6lbs my 2nd was 6lb 7oz so was fine for my size etc.

Show your husband someone demonstrating how many layers of tissue/muscle they go through to get to the baby. Easy option my arse!

Look after yourself and get any support you can.