C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

Men can be so thoughtless

Let's not make this sound common or typical. Or a "man" thing.
That's not helpful.

And this is not "thoughtless".
There's a lot of spite and contempt and desire to demean and criticise behind it.

This is exactly what I was coming to say!

Im a doctor, so have been there through lots of births in hospital. A c-section is not easy. You were exhausted and the baby was showing signs of distress on the monitors. You did what you thought was best for you and baby.

never feel that what you did wasn’t enough. You are doing amazing. Pregnancy is tough, labour is exhausted. Your DH has not been through any of this.

it makes me so angry for you reading this. You have done incredibly and don’t let anyone let you think differently.

Try speaking to people in real life about this, other than your DH, as it seems like you are needing a little bit more emotional support with this (which is perfectly natural and normal ).

You made the right decision. The CTG already had some concerning features, it would only have gotten worse when the drip started. You potentially would have been rushed over to theatre for a crash caesarean with baby's heart rate in their boots. You made the safest decision for your baby, and that is excellent parenting right there. A caesarean is absolutely not the easy option, recovery is longer and much harder. You are in the baby blues window, especially if your milk has just come in, but I think you're feeling upset because DH has behaved very hurtfully at a time when you're vulnerable. Do you have support from family or friends?

I voted she was being unreasonable not because I disagree with her but because I think she is being unreasonable to worry about a word coming out of her idiot husbands mouth.

Side note I also got confused by the voting!

I didn’t have a c section, I had a difficult labour and an episiotomy and I still feel my friends who had c sections had it worse. Their recovery was so difficult in a lot of cases. Your husband is an arse. How dare he judge you. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way.

How the fuck can anyone be 'disappointed' in another for having to have a major abdominal surgery and at the end of it ending up with a live healthy child. That's ridiculous.

YABU to blame yourself. The oxytocin drip can often cause problems and quite possibly baby's heart rate would have gone through the roof and you would have had a c section anyway. Sounds like you did the right thing for you and your baby. Tell your DH to shut it and deliver the next one himself next time.

Show him one of those clips of men attached to a tens machine stimulating very early labour. Ask him, having watched that, whether he thinks 3 days of that was a cakewalk, let alone the major surgery.

How dare he?

What an absolute horror of a man.

He has shown exactly who he is here.

When you're strong enough op, you must get rid of him. Your life will not be nice with him in it.

I cannot believe you're talking about what happens or not on your next pregnancy - SURELY not with this vile man.

Thank you for your reply, it’s good to get other’s perspectives! I read it as “Am I being unreasonable to expect more emotional support and to think I made the wrong decision” which is why I was thinking who on earth would think she’s being unreasonable for that?!
Glad I’m not the only one finding the voting a bit baffling on this one 🤣

support what you’re saying..but we’re reinforcing that pregnancy is passive by using term “carrying”
we don’t “carry” a baby- we grow one. Form our own bodies.

see my earlier post.

@Dartwarbler - Fair enough happy to use grow - not stressed either way but I know semantics matter to some people

I didn't even have a trial of labour. I had some risk factors and chose to go straight to c-section. We found out I had a prolapsed cord with my first so it potentially saved my child's life. Yes, I had lots of painkillers. I convalesced at a private hospital with midwives on hand round the clock to do all the work and I could sleep uninterrupted and have wonderful restaurant quality food. Did I take the easy way out? Of course I did and I'm not ashamed of it. My husband was just glad I and the baby were safe and being well looked after. The goal is to get a healthy live mother and baby, not to compete in some kind of labour olympics. Does he expect you to wash nappies in some river beating them with rocks too?

My specialist did talk to me about induction but he said it would be long and difficult with no guarantee that I'd deliver normally. He recommended a c-section as the safe choice. He did once chat about obstetrics in the old days and talked about the horrors of three day labours - like the sort you had when the baby was too high to use forceps. He laughed when I said I wanted none of this natural childbirth nonsense and I wanted drugs and lots of them.

Anyone who describes c section as an easy option is a dick. It's not! And the recovery is absolutely brutal. Be careful and try and take it easy - get some help organised and don't lift things or do anything to hurt your stitches. Infected stitches happen in 15% of cases - much higher than any other kind of major abdominal surgery - and its cos of this bullshit narrative around "easy options" that women push themselves too hard and their partners allow them too. Take some time to mourn the birth you wanted but also enjoy your baby and getting back to health strength and fitness. Back in the day you wouldn't have survived childbirth - that's why the c section had to happen - it's an expensive medical procedure that maternity staff don't offer unless it's necessary for the health of mum and baby. Good luck xxx

Congratulations! I’m afraid your husband is really not nice. You’ve had your baby safely, would he still be there after 3 days bright and fresh and ready to push? I doubt it. Recovery from any type of birth can be hard or easy it can depend on so many variables!

Birth is horrible in most cases and many woman and babies use to die, we are lucky that c section is an option.

your husband should be overjoyed you are both ok and doing everything he can to help you.

Good luck.

This. Fucking hell, a twat who had such frighteningly stupid thoughts like this is a dangerous twat. Doesn't sound like a competent parent at all. As per pp my husband was just glad we survived, who gives a fuck about how the baby enters the world- that's all that matters.

@Lessonsinchemistry6 , you did what you needed to do to keep yourself and your baby safe. Your husband is a bellend of the highest order. You have had major abdominal surgery and he should be supporting you and caring for you whilst you recover.

Please show him this thread, it may be the kick up his arse that he deserves for treating the Mother of his child like this.

Look after yourself and give yourself all the time that you need to physically and mentally recover for this. Don’t let him rush you.

Hmmm, i wonder what your prick of a husband would have done if the roles were reversed? Do we think that perhaps he would have just powered on until the end, despite three days of labour, medical advice and a high risk pregnancy?? You made a sacrifice for your baby and did what was right for you too.

I highly doubt that your husband is disappointed with you not having a natural birth. I mean, seriously, what sort of man would particularly care? That's just weird!!

What he is disappointed about is the fact that you're asking for help from him with his baby. You would get the same response if you had a natural birth and had stitches. Or the same result if you had a quick uncomplicated birth, but dared to ask for him to hold his baby whilst you had a cup of tea or a rest.

He sounds like an absolute bastard tbh. You will get over the disappointment, as your hormones are all over the place. Once you feel less emotional and vulnerable in a few weeks, so will realise just what a twat he is!!

Can you go and stay with a relative instead?

You grew and gave birth to an amazing, beautiful baby. You are a hero. How you got there ultimately doesn’t matter at all - though it sounds like you had a terribly hard time you poor thing. Big hugs.

What a disgusting excuse for a husband

I wasn't sure what your voting options meant so I voted yabu because you have no reason to feel disappointed at your choice. You made a sensible choice, informed by the views of the hospital staff and the possible risks to your baby. If it was such an easy option how come you aren't able to skip around full of beans as if nothing has happened. Who on earth thinks choosing to have your stomach cut open in order to protect your baby, and dealing with post operative pain is taking the easy way? Be proud you were brave enough and sensible enough to make the best choice and set your original birt plan and hopes aside for the sake of your little one.

Oh dear god 🤦‍♀️. I can’t get past the things your husband has said to you. What an absolute aresehole. Honestly those things he said are unforgivable .

what he did to contribute to the birth of the baby could have been achieved with a turkey baster.

since when did women get awarded the VC for vaginal delivery?

all that matters is safe delivery and safe mum.

Your husband sounds an absolute arse. Show him this thread so he can see what a twat he is

Your dh is a dick.