C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

It is major abdominal surgery. There is nothing easy about giving birth to a child this way (or any way). How dare he!!!

I would genuinely be absolutely clear with him and leave no room for any further comment or discussion on this matter.

“This birth was traumatic for me. It involved major abdominal surgery which requires weeks of recovery and I was frightened for my and our baby. It was clinically unavoidable and a decision taken to keep our baby and me safe. That is all that matters and the same decision would be taken every time again. I am not and will not be disappointed by that outcome. Your disappointment is upsetting me and demoralising. I will not listen to any comments about this from you. If you want to talk through your issues from here, then find a counsellor”.

if he continues, ask him to leave. Seriously.

How DARE the arrogant prick be "disappointed"??! What is it to him how the baby was born? She's safe and well, as are you, and that's all that matters. He's horrible and cruel when you are sore and vulnerable. I would love to kick him hard several times in his limp goolies!!

I've had 3 c/sections. I must be an abject failure! 🙄Fuck that shit. Ignore the fucker and enjoy your little girl x

HE'S disappointed??? The EASY option????? Wow.

Just to add to the crowd...you're husband is being an absolute twat. He needs a really good talking to by someone - 'taking the easy option'?? Are you absolutely kidding me? Get him to read this:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/mar/26/my-child-was-drowning-life-and-death-on-an-english-maternity-ward#:~:text=Dr%C4%83goi%2FThe%20Guardian-,'My%20child%20was%20drowning'%3A%20life%20and%20death,on%20an%20English%20maternity%20ward&text=Norah%20Bassett%20was%20hours%20old,learned%20from%20her%20heartbreaking%20loss%3F

And then this thread and I hope it gives him the kick up the backside that he needs to realise that you made the best decision with the info available for your child. What a dick he's being, I feel so sad and angry on your behalf.

I don’t often comment, but feel compelled.

my first child was a natural birth, as natural as forcepts and ventouse are! I had to have stitches after having to be cut.

i was adamant I wanted a natural birth. However my (now healthy 21 year old daughter) was basically dragged out of me, had a mis-shaped head and screamed in pain for the first 24 hours of her life. She was given calpol
by the hospital staff, because she was in that much pain.

looking back, I realised that actually not taking the easy option could have left my daughter with some permanent damage.

so 5 years later when I was pregnant again, I decided that as long as there was an outcome of a healthy baby and mum, I’d go with either option based on the expert medical advice of the team around me.

this time the cord was wrapped around my son’s neck and his heart rate was dipping. I had an emergency c-section. I don’t regret it. My recovery was less painful than my previous birth and I had two healthy children.

do not put pressure on yourself. You have delivered a perfect baby. That is what you both should be focussing on! Enjoy your new bundle of joy!

Op I voted yabu because you definitely shouldn’t feel you’ve done anything wrong. I’m only explaining because as you can see roughly one third of votes have voted the same way. I think the votes have just reflected the ambiguity of the way the question was asked. The comments obviously show everyone agrees you were right and your husband is a prize arse. You should show him the comments - it might just make him reflect when he sees just how many people think he’s stupendously wrong and treating you appallingly,

The saying 'when someone shows you who they are...' comes to mind.

I cannot believe that this is a decent and caring man.

How crushing for you OP. I hope you have support from your family as I suspect you aren't married to a good person.

And YABU to be disappointed in yourself. Don't align yourself with the prick you are married to. A C-section is never something to be ridiculed or seen as failure. FFS.

When I think I’ve heard it all, fucking batshit.

Christ. What a twat. Most men are just happy and relieved to have a healthy, unharmed mum and baby at the end of it, with the least amount of risk and drama possible, especially when potential complications have been flagged up.

I hope you get him to read this thread. I haven't read it myself but I imagine he's getting his arse handed to him on a plate.

As said above - there is no right way to give birth.
You made decisions based on the information you had and the situation you found yourself in. It's pretty extraordinary what we expect women to do when they are physically exhausted, lives are at risk and/or they are simply frightened.

Your husband is every bit the arsehole the rest of MN thinks he is. It's not often MN reaches a universal agreement but I think this is one of those times.

Now isn't the time to make big decisions, but I hope you'll ponder his reaction in the future and recognise just how wrong headed and unkind he has been.

And congratulations - I wish you and your baby much joy.

Given that you’re both alive and well - it was the right decision. They told you that you could end up in surgery and likely would, based on concerns for the baby’s wellbeing. So rather than gamble to see how wrong it could go, you took decisive action.

I can’t see any room for criticism in that at all. They don’t do C-sections because they’re ’easy’ for women, and I don’t think your husband has a clue what he’s talking about. Sounds like some seriously fucked up thinking on his part. Is he usually like this?

Get a medical professional to explain to him why he’s talking not only
drivel, but psychologically damaging drivel at that. He needs a boot up the arse and should be thanking whatever he believes in on bended knee that the outcome was as positive as it is for your baby, and doing everything possible to help you recover.

I’ve read some terrible stuff on here but this beggars belief. Don’t stand for this, OP.

You quite possibly saved your daughter’s life. C section is a common outcome after induction and it needs to be.

There is one goal, and only one, in childbirth…get you both through it alive and well. Everything else is just window dressing.

We hear a lot of guff about how women have done this naturally for years and your body knows what to do. No. The reality is that obstacles occur that your body cannot resolve on its own, and women and babies have died in their millions for years trying to labour or be born ‘naturally’. I imagine what they would have given for the interventions possible now.

You’ve done an amazing job.

absolutely raging on your behalf.
If C section is the 'easy option' what was the apparently preferable 'hard option'??? Losing the baby? Losing you?

You'd laboured for 3 days and baby needed to come out. I know I'm adding my voice to 20 pages of other people saying the exact same thing but I can't not state that your husband is a total POS for his position on this. Please, please do not feel in any way ashamed or disappointed in yourself. You made the wise choice in a dangerous situation, and because of that your lovely baby is alive and hopefully healthy. That should be all that matters.

Oh love, the birth you have has absolutely no correlation with your ability to be a good parent. In any case by following your medical advice you were totally doing the best thing for your baby.

Would your 'D'H really go against medical advice out of some pointless display of, what? machismo, cultural expectations? I think that's highly unlikely. You're feeling very low I imagine because it's a traumatic experience when you have a birth that might harm you and/or the baby. He should be reassuring you and looking after you, not shaming you.

Is this a one-off or is he usually an arse? He needs someone to give him a whole bagful of grips.

If he can't step up then get support from friends and family or if necessary your HV. It's a vulnerable time when you've just given birth and it's one of the few times in your life when everyone should be looking after you so you can look after the baby.

Your ‘D’ H has the misfortune to combine nastiness with stupidity, never a good mix.

'I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.'

Your DH is a dick! He would rather risk your life and DD's life over taking the 'easy option' Which is in now way the fucking easy option anyway.

At best your husband is uneducated at worst he's a human being.

If you don't normally have an abusive partnership please show him this thread.

So huge congratulations on your baby.

1: You definitely didn't take the easy option as you put it. You took the sensible one for protection of your baby. As others have said they don't do this just because.

2: Your H owes you a huge apology for being a dickhead!!!

Your husband is a cunt.

It is understandable to be disappointed, my first birth also turned into an emergency c-section and I was devastated.

Don't lose hope, I had a wonderful VBAC at home for my next birth, it's no longer "once a c-section, always a c-section".

OP - I'm so sorry, I clicked YABU instead of YANBU! You sound like an awesome parent already; you took a decision that put your baby's life and wellbeing first - well done!

Secondly, your DH is a terrible human being - how DARE he minimise your experience of MAJOR abdominal surgery.

Thirdly, parents don't 'help' when looking after their children, they 'parent' - it's their job (assuming he's on pat leave, it's the only thing he should be doing!).

Fourthly, you sound fab and I'm so sorry that you have someone telling you such awful things, you deserve better xx

Congratulations OP! You've baked and safely delivered your baby, that's amazing!!!!

I had to have C-sections, on the postnatal ward my heart always went out to those who were labouring before hand, I can't believe you went through 3 days!

Take your time to recover, I really rested for the full six weeks and took it easy after that too. They say don't get preggers for another year so your scar can heal!

I'm sorry about your husband, he's being pretty heartless and ungrateful!

So his reasoning is you should have not had a major operation to save you both? Like the NHS performs out major surgery just to save time! How many staff did he see or was his head elsewhere while you were going through it? My blood boils at his ignorance of what you have and your little one have gone through.

I look forward to finding out which of his holes this cockwomble would like to spend three days pushing a person out of.

Your husband is a cunt.

Yup. That about sums it up.

Exactly this! You have already proven yourself to be an excellent parent, making difficult decisions and putting the health of your baby and yourself first.

Your husband has proven himself a poor parent and partner.