C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

Your husband is a piece of SHIT.

Tell your partner to get in the bin. He can have an opinion on how to birth once he grows a female reproductive system and can do it himself. No uterus no opinion. What a jerk.

the recovery gets better, unfortunately the man probably won’t

Absolutely do not feel bad about this OP. Child birth is very hard on the body and mind. You should not feel, or be made to feel, bad about how you delivered. I don't think the doctors would have allowed you just to choose to have a c section of there was absolutely no need for it. This is a special time for you and your baby and you should focus on enjoying this time and resting. In time your c section will heal and life will go on as always. Explain this to your DH, he should be looking after you right now, not berating you. Be kind to yourself. Even if your hated the idea of a c section, it's over now and you can't change it so just let it go ❤️

There are many threads about c sections being the easy or safe option (which I completely disagree with) which I’m sure hasn’t helped your feelings about this.

You have carried and given birth to a baby - it doesn’t matter how you did it!

You and your body are amazing for being able to create, carry and release a life.

Your DH should be supporting you and telling you what an incredible job you’ve done (which you have).

He had the fun of giving you his sperm and then he’s been able to sit back for the past 9 months whilst you’ve had to grow the baby and all of the crap that comes with it.

You’ve now just given birth to his baby (it doesn’t matter how) and had surgery as a result.

He should be absolutely in awe of you and not stop telling you.
He should be telling you how well you’ve done and doing everything he can to help you.

He sounds like an awful person and I’m wondering if there is a controlling/nasty side to him that is just coming out properly now that you’ve had his baby.

Congratulations!
You and baby are safe that's what matters.

You are being unreasonable purely for the fact that your doubting yourself.
it' wasn't going through it all it was you ,and you made your decisions based on how the situation was at the time decisions which were completely and utterly reasonable.
I totally get this wasnt your ideal birth , but with all the factors involved you ended up with a controlled medical birth which resulted in a healthy mum and baby,so it is ok to feel disappointed it didnt go to plan , feel good about yourself you did the best for you and baby in the situation
the fact that he is behaving like this when you're at your most vulnerable is utterly reprehensible and he needs to wind his neck in .
The fact he is "helping" you is neither here or there , he should be as he is the father thats the base minium i would exect from him
( retired midwife of 40 years)💐

Your husband is VILE.

You made the right choice in the C section.

You made the wrong choice in your 'D' H.

A caesarian section is not the easy option. Since he didn't endure the pain of childbirth, which ever way it happened, he should keep his gob shut. The important thing is that you and baby are ok

Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies for any repitition but gently @Lessonsinchemistry6 I’ve voted YABU - but you are easily excused as an exhausted post- partum mother. Your DH, I can’t find any excuse for 😡

A C section is not the easy option! 😱Even an elective one often has weeks of painful recovery, let alone an emergency one where they were rushed and there we already problems.

Even a vaginal birth can sometimes also take weeks of painful recovery if you tear very badly (as plenty of women do). There is no pain free, easy way to give birth! 😢

All you can do is what will get the baby out in the safest way possible. I requested a C section myself when I read a Scandinavian study that showed that planned C sections are actually safer for the babies of many mothers (wish I could find it to link to again now). My understanding is that it’s because there is far less risk of serious oxygen deprivation to baby (cord trapped, baby stuck etc) than in vaginal birth. There are very few studies focusing only on elective sections (rather than emergency ones) so many people aren’t aware of this. Mine was a long awaited IVF only child to an older mother so I wasn’t going to risk him and I didn’t care about hypothetical future pregnancies - only the one I was actually finally having!

The reason C sections are not routinely done is a) it’s major surgery and therefore definitely not safer for the MOTHER (rather than the baby) and b) obviously more expensive and not enough staff so everyone has to battle if they want an elective section.

So please don’t feel guilty- you put your baby first, rather than yourself (with your dream of a vaginal birth). Your husband should be thanking you!

Can I just say that I had a forceps delivery with my first son and a C- section with my second son and by far the C- section was the hardest. It is absolutely not an easy option. My scar got infected, I got sepsis and required a lot of ongoing care, whereas even though my first delivery was via forceps I still recovered a lot quicker. Your husband is behaving appallingly. Surgery is no easy option and recovery can take a while. He needs to be supporting you and offering to do more with the baby when he can. What a nob he is.

The wrong decision would be staying with your “husband-“.

what an absolutely sorry excuse for a human being.

is he usually this stupid and abusive?

Congratulations on the successful birth and on the first very important bit of parenting you have done. (You chose -agreed to- the birth that kept your baby safe even though it wasn't your first choice for yourself. You have been a parent.)

Your husband (check the meaning of that word) has yet to step up for you or for your baby (whatever nappy-changing he has done). He will have to learn that making tough/sometimes unselfish decisions is part of parenting. He has some catching-up to do.

Is your partner normally abusive? If I were you I’d share your feelings with your health visitor and inform them of your husband’s comments. A good health visitor will support you emotionally and have a lot to say to him.

You are amazing. You carried the baby for c9 months and got her safely into the world at a cost to yourself - that's what great mothers do.

Your husband on the other hand is an unsupportive fuckwit for which ignorance is no excuse

congratulations on your baby, you did a wonderful job bringing a baby into this world, alive and healthy ❤️

C section is much harder recovery for you, I can’t believe it is “the easy way out”
is he really saying he is disappointed or are you projecting??

You are right to be disappointed but only with your husband's attitude. You should be proud of yourself and your body for birthing baby safely. Babies can and do die or suffer awful brain injuries if they aren't delivered at the right time, it's why all the monitoring is there. An emergency (or planned for that matter) caesarean is not easy.
Ask him if he'd like to recover from a 3 day labour and open abdominal surgery whilst caring for a new baby on little more than paracetamol and ibuprofen. Thought not!

This is my thought too.

Absolute arsehole.

I really hate the pressure on women to give birth in the way that some have deemed the 'right' way (vaginal, no intervention way). Women and babies throughout history have died due to this 'right way' of giving birth, and many women who survived were left with horrific injuries.

I had 2 c-sections, I thought they were a brilliant way to give birth.

Take the pressure off yourself.

Your DH is a prick, op. Plain and simple.

Your DH is a horrible cunt.

Congratulations on your newborn, Op.

The comments by your husband are absolutely hideous. I'm so sorry you had that said to you.

To be clear OP, opting for major abdominal surgery to ensure the safest way for your child to enter the world is not "taking the easy way out" - you didn't have to endure pushing a person out of a hole that's too small, but you still have to ensure the pain and stress of a more complex recovery so it's not "easier".
Don't blame yourself for decisions you are forced to make for the good of your child in a situation where you can't control all factors. You did what you thought was best for your child and family and people, including your partner, can get their judgement right in the bin; you are a champion among women.

@NCprivatelife

I do understand that you find 'give your head a wobble' patronising, dismissive and scornful but I am not here for you, I am here for @Lessonsinchemistry6 .

Neither of us know her. We don't know which phrases / language will resonate with her or not. Sometimes a pithy saying will have more weight than pages of prose.

OP I apologise if you find this term hurtful in any way. Please know that I use this phrase as tautology, essentially, please reframe / rethink your negative thoughts. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

Is he seriously stressed about some other matter, finances, work, overwhelmed with life at the moment etc. If it's totally out of character I'd have a serious discussion as to why he's saying this and I'd ask him to do some c section research. If he has a habit of hurting you with abusive comments it might be worth considering marriage councilling to ascertain whether he can sort himself out mentally or whether he is right for you.

@NCprivatelife I missed that typo. But now you mention it beast feeding does describe it pretty well!