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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

C Section disappointment and DH

728 replies

Lessonsinchemistry6 · 24/04/2024 09:24

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

OP posts:
overwork · 24/04/2024 13:39

It wasn't an choice though was it, your baby was in distress and you were likely to end up with a section regardless.
Not that it matters. I wish people didn't see a c-section as an easy option. What is easy about major surgery and then having to recover from it, whilst sleep deprived, looking after a brand new baby and possibly trying to establish beast feeding? Neither a vaginal birth nor section are easy and your partner should be there to support you and baby both at this time.
My partner was in awe of me (I also had an emergency section). He thought I was strong and wonderful and told me repeatedly. He took care of the baby every moment he could as he was also in awe of the our child. Please don't think what your partner is doing / saying is remotely okay or normal. He's an arse.

PoppyJM · 24/04/2024 13:41

Your husband is a cunt. Sorry OP.

Is he evil or just really thick?

Peonies12 · 24/04/2024 13:41

You and Dd are alive and well. Your DH is being a massive arse. You need to tell him so. And focus on your new baby. And he’s not “helping” he’s being a parent

Peachy2005 · 24/04/2024 13:41

The vote is meaningless, you haven’t set it out very clearly. YABU for feeling disappointed in yourself, YABU for listening to your prick of a husband - he should just be happy you are both safe and well. YANBU for expecting more emotional support. YANBU for feeling upset about how things are at the moment.

Sending handholds and hugs and congratulations - get some counselling if you are struggling. It’s a lot!

Mischance · 24/04/2024 13:41

CS is no "easy option" - and if it were your OH who had to have it he would feel very differently.

Do not feel bad about your choice - it would not have been offered if it had not been the right thing. And tell your OH to go forth and multiply - how dare he criticise you for this - what a loser!

Excited101 · 24/04/2024 13:42

Any ‘disappointment’ he could possibly feel would be overshadowed by my disappointment in his attitude tbh. And I would not be able to get past that.

im not going to tell you to ‘LTB’ but I would be very seriously considering it. He’d have to have extremely good points for me to see past it. What a god awful man.

SanctusInDistress · 24/04/2024 13:42

Who the f*** has voted that the OP is being unreasonable?????

Toddlerteaplease · 24/04/2024 13:42

Your DH needs a slap! He sounds awful!!

LondonFox · 24/04/2024 13:43

Fromage · 24/04/2024 09:33

"DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip."

Let me get this straight - you were exhausted, incredibly worried, your daughter was showing signs of distress, it seemed likely you would need a c-section anyway, so you cut to the chase and made a decision based on your and your daughter's wellbeing and safety?

This is called 'excellent parenting.'

How much fear and pain did your husband want you to suffer? Is he a medical professional?

I'd be interested to know from the midwives and obstetricians on here, how often scenarios like your end in a c-section, and how helpful it is when your patient cuts to the chase and doesn't cause you, a medical professional, more concern?

"DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties."

Does he even like you??!

Not a medical professional but my midwife said something along that line.
There were little amount of blood during TOLAC and I jumped on C section train within minute of thinking (although I went for relaxed no hard drugs labour plan before that point).
She was expecting fight from me but I was just sure by then something is not right so she thanked me for keeping options open amd making quick decisions.

First labour was like OPs but I accepted drip and within minutes DSs lines spiraled on TOCO. We had crash c section and I was minutes away from fully blown rupture.
Sometimes section is better choice.

And OP, of your idiotic partner thinks C section is an easy way out he should try getting stabbed just to see how much fun it is. Bin him and DO NOT HAVE MORE CHLDREN WITH HIM.

Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting · 24/04/2024 13:43

You did the absolute right thing OP. Congratulations on your baby and enjoy every minute with your little one. Don't let your DH make you feel terrible for having a c-section. It was for you and your baby's safety.
It could of been absolutely devastating and your baby could of been harmed or you could of been me and had lost my baby after they were born. I was fortunate to have another DS after the lost of my precious boy and i didn't care at all if I was going to have a natural birth or c-section, just as long as they were born safely.
It taught me, pregnancy is fragile after my DS and not all pregnancies are straight forward. I think your DH would think differently if things were so different. Don't give his comments another thought and give you baby lots of cuddles. All the best OP and wishing you lots of happiness in the future with your little one.

Pookerrod · 24/04/2024 13:43

OP, women don’t choose vaginal births in order to go for the “hard” option. Likewise, they don’t choose c-sections for the “easy” option.

Birthing a child is hard regardless of which option you choose. Both physically and mentally.

You made the decision that was right for you at the time with medical advice. You now have a healthy baby.

No point in dwelling on it and your “D”H is a twat.

Emotionalsupportviper · 24/04/2024 13:43

SanctusInDistress · 24/04/2024 13:42

Who the f*** has voted that the OP is being unreasonable?????

I did.

She is being unreasonable towards herself to blame herself for anything - she did the right thing.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 24/04/2024 13:43

not sure what the voting options are and thinking that many other don't either as it's quite split (so please don't worry about the poll results). I voted YANBU as in you were not unreasonable to have a C section!! (but easily could have said YABU to be disappointed in yourself!) But the views in the comments are unanimous, you did the right thing for the baby and yourself. You are a superhuman to go through 3 days of labour and a c section and come out with a healthy baby. Well done you x
(I have no words for what I think of your husband right now)

mn29 · 24/04/2024 13:44

"I know my DH is disappointed with me as well."
"DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties." Are these the attitudes and words of someone who really cares about you?
He should be nothing but supportive and reassuring at this stage - you have grown and birthed (painfully) his child FFS! This was far from the easy option
and you absolutely should not blame yourself - what did you do wrong? Nothing! You didn't have the strength to carry on with 'natural' labour (which was not natural, because it had been forced by induction, thus making it unsuccessful as is often the case). I'm sorry but he sounds absolutely awful, kicking you when you're down.

NCprivatelife · 24/04/2024 13:45

overwork · 24/04/2024 13:39

It wasn't an choice though was it, your baby was in distress and you were likely to end up with a section regardless.
Not that it matters. I wish people didn't see a c-section as an easy option. What is easy about major surgery and then having to recover from it, whilst sleep deprived, looking after a brand new baby and possibly trying to establish beast feeding? Neither a vaginal birth nor section are easy and your partner should be there to support you and baby both at this time.
My partner was in awe of me (I also had an emergency section). He thought I was strong and wonderful and told me repeatedly. He took care of the baby every moment he could as he was also in awe of the our child. Please don't think what your partner is doing / saying is remotely okay or normal. He's an arse.

This is a lovely post but all I'm seeing is 'beast feeding' 😂my eldest newborn was a chewer (tiny mouth and tongue tie) and it definitely felt like that at times!

Dartwarbler · 24/04/2024 13:45

Ok, I would be sitting “Dh” done and saying

  1. i grew this baby from the 1 single cell you provided to all (7lb or whatever she weighed) of human flesh and bone. WHere do you think that flesh and bone came from? My body, my bones, my flesh. I didn’t merely carry her around while she magically grew of her own accord. I already will carry the impact of that for the rest of my life. My body will be forever changed for that and that is not an easy option- what exactly is the impact on your body of creating our daughter?.
  2. (If applicable) I am now trying to feed that human for the next 6 months to grow that (however many) lbs of flesh and bones, to around 30 lb of flesh and bones. Agian where do you think that growth will come from? My milk. Made by my body. Again that comes at a cost to my body. What part of your body are you sacrificing to feed our child?
  3. my body is now undergoing more massive physiological changes and hormonal changes. I will now spend around 12 months for my body to go back to being physiologaical where it was pre pregnancy . Right now my uterus has to shrink form a size big enough to accompany date our (whatever)lb and weighing around 1kg, back to size of pear and something weighing 50g , and I’m bleeding constantly. My body is withdrawing form elevated progesterone and estrogen and increasing the levels of prolactin and Oxytocin and the massive change that makes on my body and especially my brain- like a massive drug withdrawal and associated mood changes that can cause. My heart, my bladder and kidneys, my lungs, my bones, my ligaments, and just about every organ in my body is going through massive changes to return to a “normal” non pregnant state. What chang3s is your body going though right now as a result of the birth of our child?

when you have grown a child, at the expense of your own physical health and well-being, you can come back and discuss the pros and cons of vaginal birth vs c- section and which is the “easy option”. My easy options disappeared at point I became pregnant and took on task of growing this baby form my own body. I had the balls, that you appear to have left behind when providing that 1 cell, to make a call to ensure our daughter had the best chance of surviving her birth.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 24/04/2024 13:45

I would honestly leave my husband over this - what an absolute dick head! I can't even believe what I've read!

cocog · 24/04/2024 13:46

You made the right decision. As for the easy option he’s having a laugh! 6 weeks recovery is advised for a reason. Your baby was born safe and well and your doctors obviously agreed. you have to follow your instincts sometimes and yours were to get baby out before something could go wrong. As for husband he can be as disappointed as he likes he can chose how to deliver if it’s him delivering buy him one of those fake contraction machines I bet he lasts an hour. Stay in bed with baby and watch lots of Netflix shows and rest take care of you! You did great congratulations x

LondonFox · 24/04/2024 13:46

SanctusInDistress · 24/04/2024 13:42

Who the f*** has voted that the OP is being unreasonable?????

OP: "I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section"
YABU
Her dickhead partner and expecting support from him
YANBU
Think most people got confused around that

NCprivatelife · 24/04/2024 13:47

Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting · 24/04/2024 13:43

You did the absolute right thing OP. Congratulations on your baby and enjoy every minute with your little one. Don't let your DH make you feel terrible for having a c-section. It was for you and your baby's safety.
It could of been absolutely devastating and your baby could of been harmed or you could of been me and had lost my baby after they were born. I was fortunate to have another DS after the lost of my precious boy and i didn't care at all if I was going to have a natural birth or c-section, just as long as they were born safely.
It taught me, pregnancy is fragile after my DS and not all pregnancies are straight forward. I think your DH would think differently if things were so different. Don't give his comments another thought and give you baby lots of cuddles. All the best OP and wishing you lots of happiness in the future with your little one.

I'm sorry for the loss of your little one <3

Ubugly · 24/04/2024 13:47

Oh my goodness! This is appalling.
You could have had a vaginal delivery and ended up with hideous injuries and been unable to do much either.

Would you husband be disappointed your vagina ripped and wasnt capable of doing its job.

These men get worse with every post.

user1499098214 · 24/04/2024 13:47

AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore · 24/04/2024 09:34

Your husband is being a total bastard. How dare he make you feel bad for having to have major surgery?! Seriously, these types of attitude about c sections being “easy” piss me off anyway but it’s 10 times worse when it’s from someone who’s meant to love you and support you.

Please be kind to yourself OP, you did the best and safest thing for you and your baby. Don’t let this absolutely clueless tosser make you feel disappointed in yourself.

This.

mn29 · 24/04/2024 13:48

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 24/04/2024 13:43

not sure what the voting options are and thinking that many other don't either as it's quite split (so please don't worry about the poll results). I voted YANBU as in you were not unreasonable to have a C section!! (but easily could have said YABU to be disappointed in yourself!) But the views in the comments are unanimous, you did the right thing for the baby and yourself. You are a superhuman to go through 3 days of labour and a c section and come out with a healthy baby. Well done you x
(I have no words for what I think of your husband right now)

Yes I voted yabu for "feeling this way" so don't worry about the results as people have clearly interpreted the poll in different ways.

NCprivatelife · 24/04/2024 13:50

Dartwarbler · 24/04/2024 13:45

Ok, I would be sitting “Dh” done and saying

  1. i grew this baby from the 1 single cell you provided to all (7lb or whatever she weighed) of human flesh and bone. WHere do you think that flesh and bone came from? My body, my bones, my flesh. I didn’t merely carry her around while she magically grew of her own accord. I already will carry the impact of that for the rest of my life. My body will be forever changed for that and that is not an easy option- what exactly is the impact on your body of creating our daughter?.
  2. (If applicable) I am now trying to feed that human for the next 6 months to grow that (however many) lbs of flesh and bones, to around 30 lb of flesh and bones. Agian where do you think that growth will come from? My milk. Made by my body. Again that comes at a cost to my body. What part of your body are you sacrificing to feed our child?
  3. my body is now undergoing more massive physiological changes and hormonal changes. I will now spend around 12 months for my body to go back to being physiologaical where it was pre pregnancy . Right now my uterus has to shrink form a size big enough to accompany date our (whatever)lb and weighing around 1kg, back to size of pear and something weighing 50g , and I’m bleeding constantly. My body is withdrawing form elevated progesterone and estrogen and increasing the levels of prolactin and Oxytocin and the massive change that makes on my body and especially my brain- like a massive drug withdrawal and associated mood changes that can cause. My heart, my bladder and kidneys, my lungs, my bones, my ligaments, and just about every organ in my body is going through massive changes to return to a “normal” non pregnant state. What chang3s is your body going though right now as a result of the birth of our child?

when you have grown a child, at the expense of your own physical health and well-being, you can come back and discuss the pros and cons of vaginal birth vs c- section and which is the “easy option”. My easy options disappeared at point I became pregnant and took on task of growing this baby form my own body. I had the balls, that you appear to have left behind when providing that 1 cell, to make a call to ensure our daughter had the best chance of surviving her birth.

ALL OF THIS POST OF THE THREAD 👏

user1498572889 · 24/04/2024 13:50

A c section is hardly the easy option. Your husband sounds like an obnoxious twat.