C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

You feel disappointed with yourself after bringing a life into the world? Give your head a wobble and stop being a martyr. Has your husband actually said he’s disappointed? If so then he’s a dick and if not give your head another wobble and stop with the martyrdom.

Oh love. If it’s any consolation, if induced early you could have not dilated anyway even with the oxytocin drip. I didn’t and had an EMCS. Also, I’ll be getting an elective next time as there’s no way I’m doing several days of induction for another EMCS.

Sorry but I cannot fathom how he can be so cruel and feel disappointment, especially given your baby showed some signs of distress. Her and/or you not making it would be something for him to have birth regret about. And who the fuck does he think he is anyway being disappointed in YOUR birth?

Im sure you did exactly the right thing and your gut feeling told you your Labour wouldn’t ‘progress’ and it’d end up this way anyway. My gut feeling told me I’d have a CS.

Be kind to yourself. I’d reconsider my relationship though. We best ourselves up so much about our births; our partners should be reassuring us that we’re incredible however it happened.

Sorry - 45% posters (who voted) think OP is being unreasonable. Really?

Oh my lord what am I hearing ? Your DH is saying this to you? That is horrible of him. If he says anything again please tell him he’s totally out of line.

1st: your body your choice
2nd: you and baby are both healthy, that is the main thing. Do NOT feel disappointed in yourself. I know, it’s not easy. I had a c section too. I felt I had ‘cheated’ too. But you know what? Objectively that’s nonsense. If you need a c section for the safety of your child and you, you need it. Trust me, doctors do NOT suggest a c section where it’s not indicated.
3rd: it is NOT the ‘easy option’. In some ways the easy option is a vaginal delivery with no complications. Unfortunately that’s not something we can get on demand.
A c section is serious surgery. Recovery is hard !!

4th: I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with a crap DH. Can you get someone - family, his parents? To talk to him about this? It’s not on.

finally: CONGRATULATIONS on the safe arrival of your baby. Sending hugs.

*

Your DH sounds like a dick tbh. My friend has one like this and he insisted she had no pain relief through any of her labours and that it was 'unwomanly' to need assistance.

Nobody wins a prize for having the most successful birth. This obsession over no intervention deliveries is becoming really dangerous.

You have nothing to feel bad about at all. You've done brilliantly. Please try and focus of the loveliness that is a new born baby and forget the rest.

Congratulations on your new baby, OP. So sorry the birth didn't go as smoothly as you'd hoped. Remember that you made the best decision for you and your baby in that moment. It's can be easy to forget the pain and emotions of labour once that newborn is safe in your arms, but being exhausted from a slow-moving induction and having the stress of dips on the monitor will rightly have factored into your decision to opt for a c-section.

Personally, I have experienced a protracted but "successful" induction and a slow induction turned c-section, and the c-section was more straightforward. I had birth trauma and required further surgery following the first induction, plus feeding problems where I was so unwell after delivery. Although I needed more help with the physical recovery from the c-section, it was definitely the right choice for me and my baby.

Your husband is being incredibly immature and unfair. I hope you have other support around you to help you and baby recover (and to tell him to sort himself out!)

This. If mine had said that after my cs I would have divorced him. End of.

He is unbelievably vile. I’ve just shown your post to my DH - he couldn’t believe it.

Omg c section is not easy.
you were induced and labouring for several days.
please tell you HV/midwife about your husband and get some support. He sounds like a bully at best but abusive at worst.

biggest percentage of abuse starts post partum so be careful. You are vulnerable.
tell him to be surgically sliced up, sent home on paracetamol and asked to wake up hourly to feed a baby. Ask him if that is ‘easy’. Next time he mentions it shut it down and hopefully he will never bring it up again.

congratulations!!! Part of how you feel is the natural shock of you my through birth and it going differently to how you imagined. It’s important to discuss these feelings safely and work through them with support so you don’t feel traumatised or PTSD. You could ask for a debrief so the team can explain why c section was the best option.

What an evil little man. I don't think I could get over that. To even think it is insane but to actually say it to you after you just had major surgery is really disgusting.

God, that's so sad. 😢

I think I had undiagnosed IUGR with my son. It was never explicitly stated, but he was only 6lbs when he was born at almost 40 weeks. He didn't cope well during labour and his heart rate was starting to drop quite a lot. I was later told that his small size would have made it more difficult for him to withstand a prolonged labour.

If I hadn't had a C-section I might have had a sad outcome like your friend.

I had a similar scenario although I also had significant anxiety around childbirth so c section had always been on the table. In the event, I had been in labour for 2 days, baby was back to back and heart rate was also dipping, I also chose a very calm c section over what could have been a terrifying induction. When they brought my little one out they said his head position was slightly twisted aswell as being back to back and I would have struggled to deliver him without intervention. I cried that I had taken the "easy option". Both the midwife and my husband held my hand and told me that was absolutely not the case. My husband was proud I had gone through major surgery to deliver our child and did everything he could to support me post recovery. Your husband sounds like he is kicking you when you are already feeling vulnerable and fragile physically, simply because this means more work for him. He should be ashamed of himself.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle
I think the problem is that OP says she is disappointed in herself but also that she had expected a different reaction from her husband. It's therefore a bit confusing as to which you are really voting on. I know I had to read the post twice to really get a proper sense of what the vote really relates to.

Yes, mine said he felt EVEN MORE sorry for me on the operating table than in labour.

Disgusting man.

Well done!! You have made a fantastic decision that has protected your life and your baby's life. You should be so proud of yourself. You've done so well.

Your husband's view is not the reality and it's not okay. His job at the moment is to support you. Maybe he should read the Ockendon Report if he wants to understand better the damage that myths about natural birth have done to women and babies.

Congratulations - as I've said you have been fantastic. Hope you get to enjoy the time with your little one - what's important is that you are both safe. The NHS offers a sort of counselling session post birth - might be something good to think about.

There are so many macho attitudes around pregnancy and childbirth in this country. I'm of the opinion that if the kid isn't coming out of your body then you don't get to have an opinion. You did fine and agree with PPs that your man sounds a right twat.

What an idiot your husband is , I would respond with our child arrived safely would you have the same response if they had been brain damaged in a difficult natural delivery. Don't even entertain criticism.

Dear God almighty,I have no words for him.
Well I have but I'd probably be banned.
Moronic wanking tosser are some mild ones.

Your husband can fuck right off!

How bloody dare he!

You took the safest option for all concerned - he needs to be grateful that he still has a wife and a healthy baby!

What a bastard

I've had 2 emcs when trying for vaginal deliveries and can relate to the disappointment you're feeling. I still feel like I let myself and my kids down a bit, even though I'm not sure natural delivery would have been achievable.

My DH wishes I'd had natural labours, but only because he knows that's what I wanted.

He's seen how tough emcs and the recoveries are and tells me I'm crazy to feel disappointed and should be proud. To me, that's what you need and deserve from a partner.

You've literally just grown and birthed his child, he should be your biggest cheerleader and support right now.

You need to tell your husband to fuck off to the back of fuckoffsville and never return.

I would take that to mean the method of delivery.

Her husband is a pig and that DOES matter

We need to stop peddaling the notion that a 'natural birth' is best for everyone. It's not. Women and babies still die during childbirth. It's a dangerous game and anything that keeps everyone alive and well throughout the process should be celebrated.

I was discussing with my DD(8) how she was born the other day. She could not have cared less that she was born by CS. In fact she was really pleased (as much as an 8 year old can be before getting distracted) to be alive and well and fairly grateful to modern medicine.

You are both sleep deprived and you will be in the grip of your hormones but perhaps a stark conversation with DH about the realities of not having the CS and cut yourself some slack. You grew a human and she's here safely. Thats all that matters.

Your husband is disgusting. Can his body create a whole human life? Can he birth it through his penis unaided? No? Then he can shut his idiotic mouth.