C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

Fucking hell, who are these so called men? Would he have preferred a dead wife and child? I’ve watched 2 friends recover from sections, and it most certainly isn’t the easy way. I struggle to understand how someone could think major abdominal surgery could be easy. What a dick. I don’t think I could spend my life with someone so unsupportive to be honest, it would make me seriously question whether I want to be with that person. I’d be asking him to leave for a while until I decided what to do but I’d tell everyone exactly why I’d asked him to go.

Your husband sounds like a dickhead. Given how all over the place you are with your hormones after you have a child, he's certainly not helping.

Your baby's health and your health are paramount and there is little point taking any risk on that. You did not take the easy way out! Having an operation is not the easy way. He needs a slap and you need a hug.

I'm raging thinking about what he has said to you. I'm very sorry he's being like this when you have carried a baby for 9 months, given birth and will likely be doing the lions share for the rest of the child's life!!

Your first baby is a minefield, with people telling you you should do X, Y or Z and they did this and you should do this etc etc. It's important to be easy on yourself and once you recover from the c-section enjoy your child. Whether you bottle or breast feed, give a soother or packet feed or whatever you do, enjoy your child and don't be riddling yourself with guilt over things you can't control and things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things. Hugs to you and congratulations.

Your husband is a monumental twat

You did what you needed to do for your child AND you.

Your husband is an arrant cunt.

C-sections are not the antithesis of 'natural' and your labour was medically assisted the moment the decision was made, thus a vaginal birth wouldn't have been 'natural' in this instance, anyhow.

I don't understand your disappointment, but your feelings ARE valid. Your husband's, however, are not. And he really needs to STFU around the disgusting guilt tripping and be grateful that he is a wife who was so responsive to her child's needs.

Please don't have another baby with this dickwad.

Amen!

Women are made to feel like we have failed if we ask for pain relief during labour, or are told we have to wait for an epidural as there is no one available to do it, or that the hospital has decided to withdraw gas and air from labour wards due to spurious concerns about gases being released yet those very same hospitals still making gas and air available on A & E wards. No other field of medicine expects patients to suffer in pain and just have to ' get on with it'. And why? Because we are women. It is shocking.

This is an excellent article in the Times this week;

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/blooming-the-truth-about-pregnancy-isnt-so-rosy-mz79qq8lx

Sending hugs OP. I was induced on a Wednesday and gave birth on the Sunday - I was prepped for an emergency c section but they got baby out with forceps. Having seen me go through all that, my DH thought I was an absolute superhero and this wouldn’t have changed whether or not I had a c section or not. Your DH is being a twat. I’d seriously reconsider whether I wanted to be with someone that unsupportive and horrible.

Oh amazing recommending skin to skin in the bath and a baby sling. Lots of cuddles for you both.

It's natural to feel disappointed with the birth you got if it wasn't what you wanted but very few people get that water birth natural, whale song, fairy lights moment.

Having a birth that resulted in the best outcomes for your child is lifelong. The birth itself will fade in your memory.

Your husband is a condescending cunt. HTH.

Also, just to add that with my second, due to the trauma with my first and risk factors; I went with an elective c section rather than another induction. I don’t think I ever heard the words ‘easy way out’ from anyone let alone my DH: he was just relieved we were ok and weren’t going through the hell that was my first labour.

I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties.

I’m late to this thread, but can only echo what everyone else has said. He is awful beyond words. I don’t know how you can see him in the same light again.

Your husband is a muppet

Your husband is being a complete arsehole frankly.

I have a similar birth story to you with my first -failed induction, but did have the drip with epidural too. Signs of foetal distress and failure to progress - my cervix stopped dilating and actually started to measure smaller. So off for C section. All was explained when it transpired she was a face presentation and absolutely stuck in there, they had to really tug and pull her out.

My DH didn't come in for the surgery as he felt unable to cope with that and my mother came in as my supporter.

At no point ever did he ever imply he thought I'd let the side down by agreeing to a c section after 48 hours labour. I think he was just glad the whole situation resulted in me and my daughter coming out the other side both a bit battered and bruised (she was born with a black eye) but nothing that time wouldn't heal.

After that experience I really understood how dangerous childbirth can be.

Of course a straightforward natural birth is best but I'm not sure that happens that often without tearing or episiotomies.

This is one occasion where I would be getting my mother to spell out some hard facts about childbirth to him and speaking to his own mother about his attitude as well. Who/where has brainwashed him into this ridiculous thought pattern, did you do antenatal classes with a natural birth fanatic? Hopefully not from his mother.

Probably the last thought on your mind right now but I would say my second and last birth was a much better experience, still ended up with an EMCS for failure to progress again but they didn't let it go anywhere near as long, I think it was about 12 hours labour with an epidural then they said enough was enough and handed me the consent forms which I was more than happy to sign.

I am horrified for you that he thinks it's ok to say this stuff. Clearly he's never had to have abdominal surgery!

I don't understand this 'heroics' approach to giving birth. Its totally bonkers. Your DH is being an idiot.

@IhateSPSS fucking hell, I’m so glad to hear you left the fucker and so sorry for your loss.

and I agree, SPSS is annoying as hell

I really wish men could carry a child and then give birth. That might stop this callous nonsense that your husband is coming out with. It really does not matter how your little one came into the world apart from the fact that you have been through a lot and have had major surgery. You need support, praise, love and care. I hope each day that passes finds you feeling stronger

I know someone whose baby had placenta issues meaning the baby was too weak to cope with a long natural labour and died during labour. It was obviously traumatic and horrendous.

Your husband sounds clueless at best.

You made the best decision you could based on the information you had at the time.

I doubted some of the decisions I made during labour and found having an after birth session helpful. Does your hospital offer these? It's not counselling but it did help me realise (again) why I made the decisions I made and that it was for the best.

Neither of you should be disappointed. 100 years ago both you and your daughter would be dead. Your husband should be making you feel loved and appreciated. His body hasn’t had to go through pregnancy, a life threatening induction and Caesarian.

That's horrendous of your husband to say that.

I had a similar choice to make after a long failed induction over many days. I asked for a C-section for similar reasons to you. I remember sitting in the room asking DP what he thought I should do as I was agonising over what to do and I remember him just calmly, repeatedly telling me that whatever I do its my choice and my body, and he didn't want to push me in either direction. He just let me talk it over with him and I came to the decision myself. We have since had a few discussions where I have talked about whether or not I made the "right" decision that night, and he always just says "you are healthy, the baby was healthy, that's all that matters - the past is only worth a view, you did what you thought was right and everyones OK". I am thankful to him for this.

All of this with Bells on. You have grown a beautiful baby who is here safe and well because of decisions you made with the input of a professional medical team. All your husband should be doing right now is supporting you and helping you to recover from the trauma of surgery.

Its quite worrying that he obviously doesn't think a lot of you but he absolutely needs to keep these awful thoughts to himself! What an absolute tool (at best)
he is.

I could've written this post barring the unsupportive partner.

I had real c section guilt, I felt like I had been robbed and had robbed my partner of the birth we had dreamed of. In reality birthing a baby is the most uncontrollable thing. Once the hormones had calmed a little and I had a chat with my midwife I felt much better and realised I did what was right for me and my baby.

In a few months time see if your hospital provides a birth reflections service, this was crucial in my healing on the facts of my birthing experience.

Congratulations, I hope you feel better soon and can tell your partner to kindly F off with the comments.

C-sections were invented thousands of years ago ( Julius Ceassr was born this way) so mothers in difficult labours don't die!

Vaginal birth is how birth is supposed to happen, but things can and do go wrong. Or would he prefer you formed part of the caucus of women who die in chilcbirth?BTW it still happens. I lost a good friend thst way.

What a knob.

Get the midwife/ doctor to chew his ears off.

I know my DH is disappointed with me as well

You fucking what now?!

This

Congratulations on safely delivering your baby OP.

I hope you can take a long hard look at your relationship when you have the energy. Take care.

Wow, I can't believe what I am reading. Is he for real?!!! Did he actually say he was disappointed with you and that you took the easy route?
I had a C section as well for my first child, by choice because like you, I had placenta issues and they wanted the baby out asap. They offered the drip but as my body didn't show any sign of labour, I chose a C section and no one batted an eyelid. Certainly not my DH who went along with my decision, which was mine and mine only to make. And I'm happy I took this decision everyday.
So from me, you are getting nothing but congratulations for making the right decision for you, your baby, and your family.
Your DH should be grateful you had the fortitude to make a brave and informed choice that resulted in very good outcomes for your baby.
Does he think a birth on a drip that probably would have had to end in emergency c section anyways would have been more traumatic hence more virtuous? I am shocked by his reaction, if it is completely out of character, maybe it is the nerves and fear of seeing you in theatre.