C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

Congratulations on your baby!
Your husband is an idiot. A c-section is NOT the easy way out, it’s major surgery and the recovery is usually more difficult that a vaginal birth.
Your baby is new and your hormones are everywhere and it’s natural to maybe feel a bit disappointed with how your birth went, but your partner should be supporting you and not making you feel worse about your birth.

@Lessonsinchemistry6 I see you haven't been back since you posted two and a half hours ago. I hope you're OK.

Your husband is not a nice man OP. It takes a particular level of selfish entitlement, not to mention abject stupidity to feel 'disappointed' that your wife gave birth through surgery rather than vaginally and to imply this was a failing on her part. This is a vulnerable time for you, and I can see you need his support with your child at present. But do reflect on his behaviour towards you and whether this is a pattern where he centres his own wishes over yours and makes you feel responsible for fulfilling them. Because if it is, it's an unhealthy dynamic for a relationship which over time will erode your self esteem and your autonomy.

Your DH is acting like a dick. Tell him it's his turn next time round and until he has done it to keep his stupid opinions to himself. You have done something amazing OP by giving birth to your beautiful little baby. It doesn't matter how she arrived. 💐

Absolutely raging on your behalf. Total fucking bellend. Childbirth is no picnic and what you have been through is not 'easy' by any stretch of the imagination. I know somebody who died after childbirth. I have friends who came close to dying in childbirth. I have permanent physical problems caused by childbirth (let alone the psychological ones). The risk is always there and you took the safest option for you and for baby. Fuck him.

I agree with this.

Delivering a healthy baby is the priority. Your husband is being a dickhead.

Having your abdomen cut open is not an easy option.

You 100% did what was right for you and your baby. I hate the myth c section is easy way out its a major surgery and not a decision made lightly. As someone who had 4 failed inductions over 5 days and ended up having an emergency section there's every chance you could have ended up having a section anyway! Ignore DH he is talking nonsense, focus on your recovery and enjoying your lovely baby xx

Okay, I don’t even have the words to describe what I think of your DH- “the east option”. Bloody hell, it’s major surgery to ensure your child comes into the world safely.
And you can think that too - you got your baby into the world safely by having a c section and you’re a frickin superhero. It may not be what you had wanted or planned, but the vast majority of birthing “plans” really don’t go to plan. My natural water birth hope was the complete opposite with a super long labour, all the pain relief going and a c section. But my boy arrived safely and that’s all that I’ve wanted to focus on.
Congrats on your lovely little baby.

Congratulations OP on your new arrival. You are completely right to be disappointed to be married to such a prize bellend.
Get well and strong. Use your health visitor if you're worried about the 'blues' becoming strong. Lean on friends and family and when you are well enough, reflect on your husband's behaviour and take action.

Oh love, you haven't done anything wrong and you certainly didn't take the easy option. From your side of things, it is totally normal to have a hard time adjusting to how a birth actually went vs how you thought it would go. It sounds traumatic and I know I (and probably a heap of others) would have made exactly the same call as you - the only thing that matters is that your baby is here, and safe, and you did that! You brought them into the world! It doesn't matter how you did it, it matters that you're both safe. Your husband is being at best thoughtless and at worst cruel. I know you must be absolutely knackered and overwhelmed, but he doesn't get to speak to you like that. If you feel able, tell him so. Sending you a huge, huge hug. And congratulations 🌷

You are both alive and healthy, that's all that matters. 💐
I disagree. It's the most important thing but it is not all that matters. Well meaning people say this kind of thing in an attempt to provide comfort but what it actually does is minimise adverse experiences. Doesn't matter what you go through as long as baby is ok. Be grateful even if you have been or are being treated badly. You shouldn't be feeling this way. Pull yourself together.
I know you probably didn't mean it that way but when you're vulnerable comments like that are often unhelpful.

Hello xxx I was in the same situation as you. To echo everyone here, your husband is very much in the wrong. I felt enormous disappointment in myself if I'm honest, and like I let my husband down (although he never made me feel like that). I also hated how 'fat' I still was, one week after. I feel so sad that this is what I felt in the first few days of my baby being born. So anxious, self critical. Society puts terrible expectations on us as women, it's hard to truly get away from them, however much we might try. But the feeling fades I promise. I have a gorgeous two year old now and that's what matters. Take heed from all these wonderful women here. Congratulations xxx

OP, if I knew you guys IRL, I'd be tearing your "D"H a new arsehole. Reading your post made furious...at him. WTF is he thinking , making out that you are somehow to blame for ANY of this?! The most important thing was you and baby having a safe birth. You listened to your body and what was happening, and you got that safe birth (thank goodness), and he should be thankful and relived that his DW and DD got through this all safely. "Taking the easy option" indeed. Who the hell does he think he is?! A CS is not the easy bloody option. How dare he?!

I think you were very brave and strong. Well done and congratulations on the birth of your baby girl. Don't you let him make you feel bad. You are amazing xx

PS I cried when they put a wristband on me (I'm a rubbish patient), so you are fucking fab. Please don't be disappointed in yourself xx

Horrible man. I had almost the exact situation. Dh couldn't stop telling me how brave and amazing i was. C-section is not the easy route. It's scary and recovery can be hard

Congratulations on you lovely healthy baby. My daughter´s birth ended in emergency c-section. Her cord was wrapped around her neck so many times it was too short her signals were very low so the consultant explained to me and we went for c section. That is why my little 5 year old and I are here and healthy. My husband was just releived we were both ok. The right decision is the one where you and baby are ok.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, @Lessonsinchemistry6💐

My first baby was born by C-section in fairly similar circumstances. I had to be induced before my due date due to concerns about reduced movement. The induction failed and after about 30 hours I had a C-section. It was absolutely not how I wanted to give birth and I felt pretty shell shocked in the following days and weeks. I absolutely hated the lack of mobility and the incision pain in the immediate postpartum period, and I was sad about the fact that I had to wait about an hour to hold my baby and felt like I'd missed out on the "golden hour" the hypnobirthing video said was so important. After about three weeks I decided to make my peace with it and move on. However, about 18 months later I was in the third trimester of pregnancy with my second baby, and as I started talking about my birth plan, I realised I was not over it at all, and was still really sad about the C-section. I was in two minds about whether to try for a VBAC or opt for an elective C-section the second time round, because I thought that the worst outcome would be trying and failing to give birth vaginally a second time. In the end I decided to try for a VBAC, and had a lovely uncomplicated vaginal birth with a light epidural for the last couple of hours. It was a much better experience and I was genuinely on cloud nine afterwards. At least until two days later, when I discovered the postpartum piles. But that's another story...

The first point I want to make is that you have been through nine months of pregnancy, growing a baby from a tiny clump of cells into a fully formed human. You grew a placenta which nourished your baby throughout your pregnancy. You probably suffered unpleasant side effects during this process. Then, at the end of your pregnancy, you followed medical advice to have a C-section and bring your baby safely into the world. You have done something amazing and you should be very proud of yourself.

Secondly, having a C-section is absolutely not "the easy way out". I have had a C-section and a vaginal birth, and for me, the C-section was far more difficult, both physically and emotionally. Don't let anyone, especially a man, tell you that having a C-section is easy.

Thirdly, your feelings are valid. Even if logically you know that you did what you needed to do to ensure your baby's health and safety, there's a big difference between how you hoped to give birth and how you actually gave birth, and it's OK to grieve a little for the experience you didn't have, even if you are happy and grateful that your baby is here. Acknowledge your feelings, but try not to wallow in them. What's done is done. Try to focus on your physical and emotional recovery, and on bonding with your baby. And do remember that skin to skin is not just something you do in the hour after you breathe your baby out in a birthing pool, surrounded by fairy lights and listening to beautiful music. It's also something you can do to help bond with your baby in the days, weeks and even months following a messy, stressful, traumatic birth. For as long as your baby is still small enough to fall asleep in your arms, it's not too late to do skin to skin. This will benefit both of you.

Finally, your husband needs to wind his neck in. I seriously hope that he is generally speaking a loving and supportive man who has your best interests at heart and will play an active role in raising your baby, who for some reason has got funny ideas about C-sections and thinks this is an OK thing to say.

If you feel able to, you could say something like, "DH, I gave up my body for over nine months to grow your child and bring her into the world. I then endured a long, drawn out and traumatic labour, which finally resulted in major abdominal surgery from which i am still recovering. You should not be disappointed in me for having a C-section; you should be proud of what I have done and grateful that it was me, and not you, who had to do all this. I am, however, disappointed in you for making such a hurtful comment when I am very vulnerable and need your unconditional love and support."

And if you don't feel able to say that to him, ask someone else to say it to him.

How very dare he, OP. How dare he. I am so angry on your behalf. Can you tell him to fuck off, or is there someone with you (family / health professional) that will do do so? He needs to belt up and start worshipping you for bringing your precious DD into the world. Three days, an induction and an emergency CS and he thinks you took the easy way out?!

I had a vaginal birth with no pain relief and I am telling you that only because it was a matter of luck and circumstance, not strength or moral fibre - I am taking my hat off to you and the much tougher time you have had. Please dont reproach yourself for the choice you made - you did your absolute best at the time and it sounds entirely sensible. You have done an incredible job - I wish you a speedy recovery and all the best in enjoying your DD.

@NCprivatelife

I would say she needs to reframe her thoughts as soon as she is possibly able. If that can be right now, from this thread - great.

The thing about this situation, from what the OP is telling us, she has a 'D'H who patently does not empathise or understand the major surgery that she has just been through.
If a woman who had just gone through 3 days of induced labour and then had an ECS, had a healthy baby and then said to her partner 'I feel like a failure,' all decent people would say:
'No you're not. You are amazing. You are both healthy and you've just been through major abdominal surgery. Rest and recover..........'

OP does not have this support, she has a dickhead DH, who is perpetuating her feelings of 'failure'. So she needs to be really clear that what she has done is brilliant and how well she has done - which is what this thread is telling her.

This thread is about building her up. Making her know she did really well, that she is not to blame

(In fact telling victims that they are not to blame is crucial and them coming to this understanding this as soon as is possible for them can only be beneficial - I only say this as you brought up rape in your last post which is a really unhelpful comparison)

Congratulations on your newborn daughter OP.
I'm not sure whether this is a regional thing, a religious thing, a cultural thing, an ignorance thing, whatever, but really, I can't think of a single person I know in my large family/circle of friends/our acquaintances where their husband/partner has tried to, or even wanted a say, in how the baby is born.
I do however, remember my now ExH visiting me and being more concerned that I breastfeed my firstborn (caesaerean) than passing me a sandwich to eat that I couldn't reach, when I was absolutely starving, sleep deprived (as in zero sleep for weeks on end by this point) and couldn't move. Baby was fed. We ended up having a massive argument and he left me in tears. On another occasion once home, he intimated that should I slip and fall down the stairs, to make sure I threw myself in front of the baby to protect the baby at all costs.
He's now an ExH for many a reason and unbearable sociopathic behaviour.

Congratulations on the birth of your child!

The voting isn’t clear cut because people are saying YABU for feeling that way but YANBU for having a section. It’s hard to pick.

Your DH is a dick, the next 30mins could have seen you have a section under a general if they kept dipping their heart rate. I’m so sorry he’s shown you his true colours. He should not say any of those things. Have you got a family member or friend who can come and help? And tell him why due to what he’s saying, he’s not helping he’s being a fucking parent and it should be all on him post surgery. He would have his gall bladder out as day surgery (relatively minor compared to c-section) and then be expected to look after a newborn even for 30mins

Everything you've said in this post is lovely and supportive. What isn't is telling OP to 'give her head a wobble'. That is patronising, dismissive and scornful.

Firstly your husband is a twat op. Seriously.

Secondly, to help you put into perspective and feel you made the right choice. My waters broke and instead of opting for the so called 'easy option' I waited to start an induction and then had a natural birth. However, in the time I took to give birth after the induction had begun my baby got an infection. At 2 months my baby showed signs that the infection had damaged the brain. I spent months plunged into depression, my husband had to take the slack, I'm sure caused attachment issues with baby and was suicidal. We're still waiting to see how my baby is impacted.

I spent a long time blaming myself for making the wrong choice. In my case I felt I should have taken a c section. Maybe outcomes would have been better. I don't know.

The point is no one knows so a pregnant woman giving birth can only do the best decision she can with the information she has available. It sounds like you did that. You don't actually know you could have given birth without it being a danger to you or the baby.

So please do not allow yourself to feel guilt. You did what you thought best and none of us had a crystal ball to know if another path would have been better. You took the path you did for good reasons and no one should judge you for that.

I managed to just about pull my mental health through the pnd and everything with my husband supporting you. Your husband needs to support you in no uncertain terms. Please make sure you surround yourself with support and your baby with love. You did nothing wrong.

He’s a bad guy.

He should be worshipping the very ground you walk on!

Fuck Him.