C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

Time for a chat with your DH. I do wonder if you are in NCT or other baby groups that sometimes preach vaginal delivery is best and c sections have long term disadvantages for mum and baby, without given a balanced view (e.g risk of not switching to a c section where mum/baby are at risk). These groups can make you feel like a failure at times. We nicknamed NCT “the baby police” as we bathed our first born before the the recommended wait of six weeks 🤮 of age. I had a natural delivery that resulted in a poorly baby and a poorly me. Second pregnancy we were advised of risks (high) of poor outcome for baby via natural delivery, but could have gone for vaginal del if we wanted. We chose c section for the health of our baby and my recovery. C section recovery was heaven compared to traumatic vaginal delivery for me. With vag delivery we missed out on enjoying our newborn for first hours, I was “not with it for days” and my DH was PTSD with running between us.
Your DH really needs to read up and talk about what happened. Yes, it’s disappointing not having the birth experience that everyone wishes for. No it’s not your fault, you made an informed decision to protect your baby. C sections are one reason why baby death rates in childbirth are so low compared to countries where C sections only happen if you can pay for them/ have access to emergency maternity care.

Hey babe I had a vbacagter my son was caught of the cord with my second baby but you gave birth you had a child that’s enough you did fantastic congratulations ❤️

There is no other field of medicine apart from maternity care where ordinary people seem to think they know better than doctors. The doctors told you that a c-section was the right thing to do and you followed that advice. Your decision potentially saved your child's life. No one would ignore medical advice if doctors said surgery was needed for Appendicitis so what makes labour different!?!

Your dh is a wanker.

Oh she needs to does she? Right now? While she's still pouring blood and leaking milk and hurting like fuck every time she coughs or laughs? Because you say so? Because her feeling how she does a out HER experience might make other women who chose o ended up with a section feel judged? Once again, no. No she doesn't.

She is allowed to feel however she wants about what happened to her. Would you tell a rape victim who was feeling huge shame because she didn't fight back "well you did the right thing, and he didn't kill you, buck up and give your head a wobble?" Or would you let her express those feelings, feel her pain and process it?

In both cases yes she needs to move past it and let it go. But in her own way, in her own time, not when rando off the internet demands she does.

I will die on this hill, as someone who has actually been in almost exactly the OP's position, and knows that squashing the feelings away and ignoring them for others' comfort does not work.

Your husband is a prick!!

I had a similiar ish story, but I knew I'd be induced early from mid pregnancy. Also after 3 days of failed induction I had a section. My husband was very supportive.

Tell your husband he needs to cop on.

I have had a natural delivery and a c section and my goodness it was not the easy way out! Your husband is a man idiot

Echoing all the PP who have said your husband is an arsehole. Honestly can't believe he'd say something so monumentally hurtful and stupid to you while you're recovering from this ordeal.

Congratulations on your new baby x

Did you deliver a healthy baby, safely? Congratulations, you've nailed giving birth.

Your DH is a wanker. Sadly, so many men seem to think they get a say.

" DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties".
He is an absolute twat for saying this.
You have a healthy baby, and it doesn't matter how they arrived into the world.

I personally would not be speaking to anyone who spoke to me like that, it would be out the door unless there was a whole hearted apology.

I can't believe this man's attitude. What an unsupportive, misogynistic prick he is.
A few days into parenting and he has already failed at being a decent husband and father.
If it's any reassurance, I had an emcs with my first baby, short labour but ctg was poor from the outset. I also had pre-eclampsia and a partial placental abruption.
I had a straightforward VBAC with my second baby so it is not true that placental issues on one pregnancy means that a cs is inevitable on future pregnancies.

The truth is there is no easy way to deliver a baby, the priority is the health of mother and baby (and I include the mental health of the mother in that), not fulfilling some idealised notion of what childbirth should look like.

I've voted YABU because your hormones are all over the place.

You had hoped to give birth one way and so I understand that you're disappointed that you weren't able to do that, but the medical advice was given for a very good reason.

I feel sometimes that giving birth "Naturally" is lauded as much as "breast is best" and used as a yardstick. Obviously in an ideal world those things would be easy to do. They're not. We take decisions which make things as safe and easy as possible in the circumstances at the time.

However, you could view it this way -
You have brought a child into the world that you've grown in your body. Nothing to be disappointed about.
You took the option which meant you and your child had the best chance of surviving birth. Nothing to be disappointed about.
You opted for major surgery to allow your child a safe delivery. Nothing to be disappointed about.

Your husband expressing disappointment however, yes, that's something to be disappointed about.
He should be doing everything possible to help and support you and your newborn child.

I also had an induction due to risk factors the doctors had identified, despite a very healthy pregnancy. I was also in labour for 3 days, and ended up with an emergency c-section. I know that feeling of disappointment or like if you'd just held out a bit longer, tried a bit harder you would have had a 'natural' birth. It took a while to pass, but it did. It's ok to feel sad you didn't get the birth you wanted, and to feel a bit traumatised by what you did go through - I know that can get lost a bit in the whole 'oh well the baby is here now and fine which is all that matters'. Of course it's the most important thing, but it's not all that matters, YOU, and your feelings about what you've been through, matter too.

My husband had zero opinion on how DD entered into the world other than to be 1) relieved and delighted both she and I came through it ok, 2) to acknowledge how bloody hard it had been on me and to want to know how he could help me recover. That's as it should be OP - your husband is a dick if he really is letting it be known he's 'disappointed' - there is absolutely no excuse for that.

You're in a very vulnerable place right now and I hope you can just focus on recovering and bonding with your baby. Do you have friends/ family around who can help? Please reach out to your midwife, health visitor or GP to let then know how you're feeling - the will be able to reassure you and maybe just keep an eye on how your mood is or whether you need extra support going forward. I definitely did, the lovely midwife didn't sign me off for a little while just to keep an eye on things, and she was able to refer me both to the GP and to a local support group for new mums.

40 years ago my mother died giving birth to me - we talk about the risks sometimes like they're from the dim and distant past but this was, and still is a very real ordeal we go through. You took the medical advice you were given and made the right decision to keep you and your baby safe - there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty for I promise.

I think you need to tell him this next time he complains.

Do you see our child? do you see me sat here?
Now which one of us would you want to be dead?
It was a C section or maybe both of us gone!

Then just say your just so grateful to be alive , with your baby , and he needs to see that and be bloody grateful to the Doctors who made that happen.

Quite.
If there is ever a time when a woman is "entitled" to have irrational thoughts it's probably when she is exhausted, in pain, with fluctuating hormones, experiencing possibly the biggest change in her life she ever will do and is being berated by the arsehole who should be her biggest cheerleader. What she doesn't need is to be further put down because she is apparently not doing something else right!
I doubt very much that the OP wants to feel this way, and she probably actually knows that she made the right decision and isn't a failure but it's not that simple to control feelings.
She's entitled to feel disappointed about what happened but there is no need for her to feel disappointed in herself. Hopefully with time she will see that, but basically being told to pull herself together is unlikely to be helpful!

Christ. Sorry, but I would question my husband’s love for me if he said that as I can’t imagine anyone saying that let alone your husband. I hope you are OK.

The patient always has a choice if they have capacity. This isn't House of the Dragon, they don't just cut open a human being with rights against their will to "save the baby".

This thread is why I love Mumsnet. Women coming together to support another woman. ❤️ Childbirth is still incredibly dangerous and women still die from it even in this country, and babies die too. You are both alive and healthy, that's all that matters. 💐
@FizzyDucks Bang on. Ridiculous isn't it?

Congratulations on doing the right thing for your baby. 🌺

Your husband is a lunatic -and a prick.

Your husband is an ignorant bastard.

I hope your recovery goes OK x

Silly husband. You need a new one.

I have had 3 c-sections and they definitely weren't the "easy option". Tell him that if he thinks being sliced open, with about 3 layers of your abdominal muscles peeled apart and then recover from that while looking after a brand new baby - if he thinks it's an "easy option" he csn go and jump off a cliff.

Major abdominal surgery is bloody hard. Adding a prat of a husband to the mix is a lot harder.

Many congratulations on your beautiful baby and commiserations on your prat of a husband.

Your husband is an unforgivable twat.
Other people have explained it all very eloquently.
The poll is obviously mixed because people are confused about which way to vote based on your wording, as the comments are overwhelmingly in agreement of your husband being a terrible person

The poor OP hasn't come back after 12 pages. She's probably recovering and, more importantly, reevaluating her relationship. And quite right too!

This again. The hospital don't have the right not to "let her" if she has capacity. The mother is the patient until the baby is born. She has rights.

I cannot believe your husband is saying you took the easy option. That's absolutely not the case OP! You should be proud of yourself - at the end of the day your DD entered the world safely and that's all that matters. He sounds like an arse!!

But she would have been spared the DH arseholery if HCP had said 'CS is definitely safest option and I strongly advise it'. Unless DH thinks he knows better than everyone, not just OP.