C Section disappointment and DH

[Lessonsinchemistry6]

DD was born on the weekend, I had an easy low risk pregnancy up until the last few weeks when scans flagged issues with the placenta meaning doctors wanted to induce early. We started off with induction but I ended up having a rushed delivery by c section before getting onto the oxytocin drip, this was partly my choice because I had been in the process for 3 days by this point and was so tired and drained I didn’t think I could cope with a long labour. DD was also showing some dips on the monitor and doctors were clear any more signs and we would be going to theatre anyway and I felt it was likely heading this way so I asked for it and declined the drip.

I feel so disappointed with myself for having the c section and I know my DH is disappointed with me as well. I was pretty scared during the op and recovery hasn’t been easy but DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties. He has helped a lot with DD but it’s been hard having to rely on everyone to help me even pick her up. I know subsequent pregnancies will be high risk now as well and it’s less likely I’ll get a ‘natural’ birth although the placenta issues would have put me in a higher risk category I think.

AIBU to feel this way? Im not sure if it’s just baby blues or if I should expect some more emotional support or if I really made the wrong decision.

FFS your 'D'H is a complete wanker.

I've had an emergency c section then a vaginal birth (ventouse) and all I can say is that the c section was far harder to recover from than a natural birth.

We had the c-section for all the right reasons - baby in distress, heart rate lowering, long labour, labour not progressing............................. It was the right thing to do for the baby's safety and mine.

Just stop with the 'I am so disappointed narrative........' It helps no one. You've grown a healthy baby. You're safe as is the baby, that's what matters.

If your DH says you took the 'easy way' just tell him to fuck off. It was 12 weeks before I could walk a mile after my c-section as I'd lost so much blood (probably should've had a transfusion). I can't believe what a dickhead he is for saying that.

OP I'm so sorry you've been through this - what a horrid horrid thing for your husband to say, and absolutely WRONG and INCORRECT. He is not a supportive partner in any way.

Please speak to your health visitor and tell her the comments he's said to you.

You can be disappointed because you didn't get what YOU wanted without considering what you had to be 'lesser' in any objective way. The OP has had a really hard time. She wasn't 'lesser' because her placenta had issues, she wasn't 'lesser' because her induction didn't go smoothly, she wasn't 'lesser' because she had a c-section. But she didn't want a c-section and she's unhappy that's the way things went for her. If she'd had a natural birth and sustained a 6 inch tear in her vagina, would she be implying women who sustain tears during birth are 'lesser' than women who don't? Would she be told to shut up complaining because she and the baby were alive?

I think it's actually people like you who think women with sections are lesser, because they are not allowed to have any negative feelings about having to undergo a gruelling labour and then nonetheless sustaining a bunch of medical procedures they didn't want and sustaining a huge surgical wound and having to endure a lengthy and painful recovery - whereas a woman who went through vaginal labour and sustained anything like the same injuries and endured anything like the same recovery time would get nothing but sympathy for any regrets and trauma she might have.

Seriously she's post-natal, injured, bleeding, sleep deprived, and her husband is being a shit to her. Now is not the time to bang the false consciousness drum at her because she's not happy with how her birth went.

Just stop with the 'I am so disappointed narrative........' It helps no one. You've grown a healthy baby. You're safe as is the baby, that's what matters.

I'm amazed how invalidating so many other women end up being when (apparently) trying to be supportive. It's as bad as the husband in its own way. This happened to the OP. She's allowed to feel how she feels about it and process it in her own time without being made to feel guilty about her feelings.

“DH has made comments about taking the easy option and that I can only blame myself for difficulties”

I think this is most likely because your husband is a wanker. Of the highest order.

I hope you know you are amazing, did the right thing and deserve so much better.

Tell your husband to stand while you kick him hard in the balls, every 2/3 minutes, for 12+ hours. If he gets through that without asking you to stop then he can complain about your C section.

Your husband is not fit to be a husband or father.

I think your husband needs to get his head out his arse. You’ve done a 9 month shift of not taking the easy way out and however you give birth you didn’t take the easy way out either! You’ve had major abdominal surgery.

tell him to cut the comments with immediate effect!

His daughter and you are alive and healthy. For fuck's sake. Are you sure you want any subsequent pregnancies with this man, whatever way they end?

I know my DH is disappointed with me as well.

WTAF

WTAF have l just read?? The easy option!!!

I had a straight forward delivery with my first. My 2nd was breech and so would be a c section. I cried on being told as it most absolutely is NOT the easy option.

Absolutely disgusting that he is behaving this way.

Bloody hell. I find the idea of having a C-section scarier than giving birth. Your DD was showing signs of distress, you did the right thing for you and your baby. You may feel disappointed things didn't go to plan, but that's normal. Your DH (dick husband) needs to shut it. It's definitely not the easy option. Wonder how he'd feel if someone cut his belly open while he was still conscious.

If your husband thinks major surgery is an "easy option" he is quite frankly a dumb fucking cunt.

I had no option to have an emergency c-section, other my daughter could have died.

Ask him if his wife and daughter's potential death is a better option than the so called, "easy option."

Your DH is an idiot at best.

You made the right decision, it sounds like the doctors were hinting as strongly as they felt able to go for a C-section at that point (they like to give you options where possible so wouldn't have insisted unless they had to). You avoided the "Get this baby out NOW" situation which I would assume is a riskier operation with potential for a harder recovery, not to mention you would have been starting off even more tired than you already were!

There may be some increased risk in later pregnancies but I think the difference is quite small, there is always risk. Better to get your baby out safely now than worry about a small increase in the risk of a hypothetical future baby!

The decision you made was the safest for your child. I had complications with delivery and an emergency c-section wasn't an option due to the babys position. As a result he stopped breathing and had organ failure. He was resuscitated, went onto life support and very thankfully eventually made a full recovery. At the time they warned us he could have brain damage and it was a full year before we were told his brain looked to be developing normally. Your husband is an absolute prick if he thinks you have not done the right thing here. Any birth where your baby is delivered safely and you are ok is the most important thing.

If my husband was disappointed in ME for having to have a C section (aka, major surgery), then he wouldn't be my husband for much longer.

His only emotion should be relief (that all ended well) and joy (in welcoming his child)

Comments from your husband are vile.
Easy option? He’s mad, it’s major surgery, in many parts of the world his wife or his baby well may not have survived. He should be bloody grateful that a sterile theatre and skilled staff were on hand.
Congratulations on your baby, look after yourself and rest all you can.
Next arsehole comment from DH describe in detail which bits of him could be cut through to deliver the next baby.

I feel like I can't add anything new, only reinforce everything that everyone else has chimed in.

Your husband is an arsehole. Tell him that.

You go through labour, have an emergency c-section - major surgery that takes place whilst you are awake - and then need to care for your tiny human without any recovery time for not only the labour but the surgery too. I've had two emergency c sections and they are no walk in the park.

Do not be disappointed in yourself. Birth is birth.

Just to repeat, your husband is an arse hole.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby!
A c-section is not an easy option and anyone who says that is an idiot! There are no easy options when it comes to giving birth and the priority is mother and baby safety.
It sounds like you went through a frightening and potentially traumatic experience and you need understanding and support right now not snarky comments. When you are feeling up to it, join some baby groups. There is nothing like the support of new mums for new mums! Let your health visitor know how you are feeling. I am sure they can plug you into some support.
I had an emergency c-section first time round and it was hard! But after about six weeks I started to feel okay again. Your body needs time to heal and you can't rush it. I had DS in a crib with low sides right next to me for easier access. Still hard though!
Your DH sounds like an arse. I am so sorry he is not giving you the support you need right now.

That’s a horrible thing to say. I’m sorry he’s being so unkind. I’ve been in your shoes with a very long, protracted and induced labour. It’s very physically, mentally and emotionally draining. It’s a difficult decision to make. It’s also not good for your mental health if you’re awake and in pain for so many days! You did your absolute best and you brought your beautiful baby into the world safely. That’s a huge achievement. Well done you! Celebrate that 💐 I’m sorry your DH is not being more supportive to you at a very vulnerable time. Please be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a huge amount in a short space of time. Have a tea, have some chocolate, have a nice warm shower (if you can), try to rest, you’ll feel so drained and depleted at the moment. If there is anyone around who can be there for you emotionally, maybe a family member or a friend, please reach out to them. I feel for you having to bear that unkindness, especially right now. Baby blues in the early days and weeks are completely normal but a longer labour can make those feelings deeper. Hope you take some comfort from the kind words of the many people on this thread who understand what it’s like and know how hard you’ve tried and what you’ve achieved 🥰🤗💫

Fucking hell, OP. Can I come round and give your husband a kick in his cock?

Feeling like a failure after a crash C is (in my experience - had a really scary one myself and spoken to many other women who have too) par for the course.

In time, you will move on and see that the real magic is that you grew a baby and that the baby got out safely and now you get to experience that baby flourish.

The bit between womb and earth-side will become inconsequential. You have to trust me on this. I literally thought I would never get over mine.

That's not to say everyone's birth experience is inconsequential - a good birth is an incredible journey. My SIL had a really good planned-C that was her fave birth of all. I don't want to diminish how incredibly life changing a birth experience can be. But trust me when I say this Crash C will become vanishingly small as your little one grows.

You are super hormonal right now so try to take the things he's saying with a pinch of salt. There's a chance you're reading into it a bit too much. Also, you might meet others who spout this rubbish... Especially here on MN where someone once told me I "hadn't given birth". Telling your husband to shut the fuck up can be good practice for when a Health Visitor says "we'll try and get you all the way to a real birth next time"... Yes really.

One more thing... Congratulations! You're doing great!

I've had 5 children, including an induction and 2 c-sections. Either way it's incredibly painful but induction is brutal and post c-section pain is horrific because you are trying to look after another human while in agony every time you move. C-section is not the easy way out, it's like saying IVF is the easy way out because you don't have to have sex. You made a very sensible decision to have a c-section before the drip, to be honest I wish I had done the same with my youngest.

@NCprivatelife

Nope. She needs to reframe these negative thoughts about the reality of her long, traumatic labour. The CS was absolutely the right choice to make. She is not a failure. The sooner she does that the better, then she can shut down her unsupportive 'D'H and his comments.

I notice you only highlighted part of my post which substantiaited my rather blunt, but well meaning advice.

OP did a brilliant job. She came to MN for advice from people who have been through it before. As others would say, she needs to give her head a wobble.

You made the right choice by prioritising the baby's safety. I'm a bit surprised they gave you a choice once there were signs of fœtal distress, given the placenta issue. Placenta issues can be incredibly dangerous and used to be responsible for a large share of deaths before modern obstetrics.

You can get a debrief with the team at the hospital- ask for this and take DH with you ( plus baby if needed). It’s vital that he is there and you say that it has been commented on that you took the easy option- can the dr/nurse respond to that view please- then he can hear it from the horse’s mouth without being directly called out on it although he deserves it ( which should give the answer more weight!)
heal well, you are doing well, you did the right thing, trust your instincts always!! Congratulations new mum and expect to be down in the dumps, it’s all ok and normal while your hormones adjust - it shouldn’t last long. Just remember hanging on probably would have ended up in a cs too with possible worse outcomes for you or dc or both