To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

Agreed, it's awful and totally thoughtless of how you would feel.

Some people measure worth by money spent. Notions like "£10 minimum" would support this. It's very materialistic.

No indeed. But there's a balance between that and claiming to be happy with a rusty paper clip from MY DD, because I'm so grateful to be even acknowledged by her because im so not worthy...which comes across as very fawny and martyred. And even if true misses he point, which is less about receiving a mean gift and more about what it says of the character of the giver. Most people prefer to think they have raised their children to be thoughtful and generous.

Just have a conversation about presents and spend next year. If you value gifts so much maybe she feels pressured to buy whereas she’s rather not or do something different on environmental/cost grounds. Buying and giving presents doesn’t have the same meaning for everyone.

The OP needs to reflect on her parenting then, if her daughter's efforts aren't good enough.

I find too many of the responses here disingenuous. It's as if mothers shouldn't expect anything at all from their precious offspring. That all you can expect from a child is take, take, take and maybe the occasional charity shop book in recompense. It's setting mothers up for a lifetime of being unappreciated and taken for granted. That's not good enough.

@Abeona But parents shouldn't expect anything.

As a parent, you brought your child into the world. They didn't ask to be here. How can you expect anything at all from them? How can you possibly tell them what is 'good enough' when you dragged them into existence?

It's inherently a one-way dynamic as a parent. That's the deal.

If children want to get gifts etc to thank their parents then that's lovely (and they usually do), but there is no 'good enough' here.

What happened to "it's the thought that counts?".

If I was your daughter, I might equally be annoyed that you had cared so little about her gift that you haven't so much as bothered to pick it up and look at it properly in 4 months.

Depends on the shop/charity. Oxfam usually charges £2.50 or £3 for pbs, hbs vary, some are cheap, very recent ones a bit more.

@ringoffiire and @shepherdsangeldelight
Exactly.

I think it's the thought that counts. You can reduce the amount you spend on her. I'd spend £20. If she complains, then she isn't grateful.

I’d say she’s either skint or not bothered. Either way, maybe stop the unnecessary gift giving between adults?

Crossing out mother in law etc is not the same thing at all. I can understand why she is upset.

Time to cut back on what you spend on her - she's an adult with a good job. She doesn't need £75 worth of gifts. If you'd spent £20 on her you might not feel so aggrieved.

A £2.50 charity shop book on its own is not a good present for someone who spent £75 on you, never mind all the "it's the thought that counts" bollocks.

I've got some friends and family who would appreciate a thoughtful second hand book, one that was carefully chosen because i think they'll love it. Others who wouldn't.

I guess it's not one that you were super excited about as it's taken you until April to read it, so it's ok to feel disappointed that she missed the mark.

Some tough replies here. I would feel like the OP i expect unless the giftgiver had said that they were going down the second hand route and keeping spends low. I am not money orientated but would have been a bit flummoxed by a two quid slightly tatty book as my whole gift

Spend less on her if it bothers you that much. Its nearly may, time to get over christmas

Second hand gifts are a thing in my wider family. It would be seen as wasteful to buy something new! We buy small thoughtful second hand presents for everyone except the children.

If that isn't the norm in your family I can imagine it might feel like you aren't appreciated.

The Oh So saintly are out in force OP.

Most people would be taken aback or hurt to get a lone, second hand stocking filler for Xmas.

Upside: big, big upside - no bill for buying nice presents for her again. It’s not necessary and it’s the right thing to do.

Lovely! Not spiteful at all, that attitude.

Don't have a discussion, don't find out if there is a financial issue, don't find out if her adult daughter just thinks too much "stuff" is not required.

Just don't buy them anything expensive in a tit for tat style retaliation.

Amazing that adults cannot have a conversation!

Nonsense. Character isn't all about upbringing. If it were, provided parents all followed a blue print there would be no adults with undesirable traits and behaviour. You can't possibly believe that every adult who can be mean, unpleasant, uncaring or any one of a host of other undesirable traits is the 'creation' of an inadequate mother and has no autonomy at all?

Yes I would reciprocate, a charity shop purchase,

' Oh sorry , after my gift from you I took your lead and bought , eco , green , recycled, save the planet , re-useable , whatever thinking you'd be pleased . Sorry if I got it wrong 😑'

No, it's not materialistic to assess one's relationship with one's child to be worth marginally higher than a charity shop paperback. The OP isn't asking for a Chanel handbag or a Tiffany necklace to flash around. Just something that that doesn't look like a quick 'Oh, fuck it, this'll do to keep Mum quiet' grab.

Why do women expect so little of their children? You brought them up. You probably came on MN looking for support because it was so tough at times. And now, apparently, you're not allowed to expect even the minimum of thoughtfulness and kindness from them. What kind of children have you all brought up that you deem yourselves lucky to receive a card?

No.
Some people know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

I’d be hurt too. By the lack of thought, and yes, by the value. Not because I expect expensive gifts from my child ( which I don’t get ) but I would like to think he’d make more effort.
£2.50 is a really tight sum for a working adult to spend on her own mother for Gods sake. Bet she spent a lot more time and effort on her friends.
Unless there’s a backstory and she paid for Christmas dinner or contributed in another way.

Yes!

There was no thought. That’s the point.