To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

I genuinely don't understand this idea to value a gift by its price.

My daughter is only a teenager, and has a Saturday job. She'd spend more than £2.50 on my birthday!
I don't think you're wrong to be disappointed OP. You're not suggesting she should be buying anything lavish, but £2.50, especially when she's working, is a meagre amount to spend on your own mother!

@AnnaSewell i don’t think you’re wrong to feel hurt if you spoil her when you are on a low wage. She’s an adult with a good job not a 6 yr old with pocket money.

Do presents have meaning for you? My mother was a dreadful present giver- never made birthdays special for me and seemed to deliberately buy the wrong thing for Xmas. I was gracious always but it did hurt because I knew it was meant to. And I was a child. My sister did not have the same treatment. On the other hand, her birthday was cause for specific celebration with specific demands for presents.

I make a huge effort on my kids and DH’s birthday- completely over the top. I am aware I am doing it but it gives me great joy. I don’t expect anything in return except a card that says ‘mum’ on it and evidence some thought went into the gift. I wouldn’t expect the expense I choose to spend to be matched and It isn’t about money.

Was it the amount, the book choice or the fact it wasn’t new that is bothering you? Does she have a partner involved who may have influenced the value of the gift?

Going to go out on a limb here OP and say both that I'd be disappointed by the gift and that I'd raise it with my child.

I value celebrations - birthdays, Christmasses and the like - a lot, and put time and effort into making them nice for those around me. That includes thought and money spent on gifts. I like to know my family have put the same effort into a gift for me.

So I'd talk to her. I did this with my DS when he completely neglected my birthday. Who else will let them know they've fallen short? It wasn't an accusing 'how could you do this?' conversation . I simply said that I know he's busy but I was disappointed and a bit hurt. He looked sheepish and I like to think he'll do better next time. We model so much selflessness as mothers. I was glad I'd also modelled that my feelings matter.

I have no doubt this post will cue ridicule and scorn but I'm immune to it. I'm not asking for assessments of my action. I'm posting in case this is helpful to you OP.

Maybe she challenged herself to buy all gifts from a charity shop? It’s better for the planet and why spend more money then you have to, especially as she has high rent and doesn’t own a house yet. We are on a high income but often buy from charity shops because second hand is better for lots of reasons and also to save money. Idk uh rather a thoughtful mug off that cost £2.50 than something random that you don’t like for £50.

We model so much selflessness as mothers. I was glad I'd also modelled that my feelings matter.
What does that even mean?
Do you tell new people in your life that you expect a minimum spend on presents?

Was this the only present she gave you? Sorry, that is insulting. There is no problem giving you a bargain book but she could at least have got you some nice chocolates to go with it. You're her Mum!

I’m with you here. My DD hadn’t sent me a card on my last birthday or left one for me to open. DH had taken me off for a lovely lunch but en route I was just really fucked off about not even having a card given the effort made. I felt really ungrateful because DH was doing his best but not having a card really made me sad and put a downer on the morning.

She surprised me by meeting me at the lunch. She and DH thought it would be a lovely idea but given that I burst into tears when she arrived at the relief I mattered to them (it’s easy to feel invisible) I don’t think they’d do the same again. It wasn’t their fault, it just brought back feelings of being unworthy of attention they didn’t know I had suppressed for such a long time.

Just because one is 'a mum' does not automatically entitle one to be showered with lavish gifts, nor does it mean one has to give them

Lots of overthinking on here, but yes - you absolutely deserved more than a £2.50 Christmas gift from your daughter. She may as well not have bothered.

Daughter on professional salary. No debt. Not currently saving for deposit, though highish rent

@AnnaSewell in my 20s when I had the above description was when I was the most skint in my life. Just all the bills, high rent, going out (but not going overboard), paying for the odd holiday/trip, clothes........ It didn't get better for me until my wage increased which took a while.

I think it depends on the book.

J R Hartley would have been over the moon with his copy of Fly Fishing - even if it had only cost £2.49.

Two other thoughts…….

Perhaps she had made a decision on environmental grounds to purchase only second hand gifts/ items as presents, she may be quietly buying only second hand across the board for herself for this reason, many people do. Certainly if I see something second hand that I think will fit the bill I will go for it, new not a prerequisite!

Another explanation may be that she is concerned that you may be spending more than necessary on her and is trying to signal that more modest gifts would be ok with her without saying directly.

If you are enjoying the book then happy days! I’ve been variously bought a diet cook book when I was notably climbing the dress size ladder and some long drawn out saga about pregnancy and the miracle of birth when I was trying and failing to conceive, go Mum 🤣🤣🤣

There’s a big middle ground between spending £2.49 on a gift and buying “lavish” gifts.

Agree with this entirely

Same here. Actually I prefer a funny/cheeky/rude card above all else. The laugh we have with cards is worth more than any gift my kids could buy me.

Spending money on someone isn't the only way to show how much they mean to us, but rightly or wrongly in our society, its one way. Generosity with our own resources towards another is also considered a positive, and excess and unnecessary frugality and meaness to others is not. So I think people are being a bit disingenuous in pretending such a meagre gift from daughter to mother is unremarkable, and the OP should be grateful. She is her mother for goodness sake, and unless she was a very bad one, is indeed worth more than what would be generally be considered close to nothing at all.

If it were my daughter my first thought would be that she had financial pressures I wasn't aware of, if I was certain that wasn't the case, than I'd be surprised too OP.

Just from the description, was it The Great Gatsby by any chance? Imho you'll be more disappointed once you've read it! I remember thinking, "Is that it?!"

I loved my mum and I always tried to give her something a bit special for Christmas and birthdays, even if it stretched me financially at times, because I wanted her to know how much I valued her. There were times when I was very stretched, particularly after I'd bought my first home and interest rates went up, but even then I'd find something modest and then make a special card for her, or write her a loving note. Did your daughter do anything else to make this book a bit more special, OP?

I find too many of the responses here disingenuous. It's as if mothers shouldn't expect anything at all from their precious offspring. That all you can expect from a child is take, take, take and maybe the occasional charity shop book in recompense. It's setting mothers up for a lifetime of being unappreciated and taken for granted. That's not good enough.

I understand you, OP. A tenner is the absolute minimum you spend on your mum when you're earning. I'd feel equally disappointed. I'd step back from spending so much money on her, give up on any expectations of her completely and focus on creating a new, more rewarding life for myself. Go for a promotion, get some training, earn better money. Use this as a pushing-off point, don't settle for being low-income and unappreciated by your child.

That’s weird
I can’t understand how you can’t enjoy something that cost 2.50 not 10 despite being the same thing!
if be happy if I liked it and pleased that it wasn’t 10 especially if I didn’t like it!!
it’s the thought that counts and be lucky you got a gift as my son and eldest daughter always forgets but I don’t mind! I don’t need presents from my children especially expensive ones.

Am i out of touch here? I thought books in charity shops were about 30p
Totally missing the point I know.

I agree with pp there is a massive amount of disingenuousness on this thread.

They are, although I get hardbacks for about £4. A slim paperback? It is strange.

Yes paperbacks are usually three for a £1.

@VestibuleVirgin Yep.

Your daughter gifted you a book which by your own admission you enjoyed a lot. She had thought about your likes and interests, and got you a gift to match.

Why are you thinking about how much money she spent or whether it was from a charity shop? It was a thoughtful gift.