To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

The way I think of it is that just because you birthed them, doesn't make you entitled to them feeling or behaving a certain way towards you. You still have to earn that relationship the same way you do any other one. You don't see a person in the street and immediately you both love and respect one another. That takes time, bonding, effort. And there's mistakes. That's how humans work.

Yes, it would be lovely if every child just utterly worshipped every parent, and vice versa, but that's not the world. And it's not how humans work.

But then the reverse is also true

You birthed them, you did the best you could as a parent.

And then they turn out to be not very nice people

But then why should we not be grateful? If the relationship is mostly good?

Maybe your daughter - knowing that you are environmentally friendly - had wanted to respect that? She would (I assume) have picked a book that she thought you would enjoy that she maybe just happened to come across. Perhaps her reasoning is that you'd have appreciated the thought that it was a pre-loved book, with the thought that perhaps you'd also want to then pass the book on back to a friend or charity shop (this bit is obviously just conjecture on my part, as only she knows for sure).

Can you be honest with yourself as to your reasons for your disappointment - is it literally how much she spent on it? What about if she had picked the same book but bought new for 5x(+) the amount? Like literally, would you have been completely happy and appreciated the book more if you didn't know how much it had cost and you'd assumed it was new?

I honestly do not think the competition between what you spent on her, vs what she spent on you is a healthy dynamic at all. I have little income and even less disposable income, and those closest to me (who would be the people who id exchange gifts with) make up completely different financial situations as each other. I have had 2nd hand items - whether that be books, vinyls, etc - that very clearly are at least second hand but were chosen simply because they happened to come across them and knew that I'd like them. In the same vein - and from the same people - I could also get much more expensive gifts alongside the cheaper ones, again because these were just chosen because they knew I'd love them. Honestly makes no difference to me, and nor does it to anyone else when vice versa. I am aware I have the least income, s are they, but I'd still never expect - or put - a financial price or tally on who spent what etc. finally, you are the parent and I guess you - and your daughter - are much used to the lifetime dynamic of a parent/child gift giving pattern. I still try hard to do as much as I can for birthdays, Xmases etc for my adult child and have no expectations re reciprocity, Altho they are also very similar themselves as in they love to give gifts for the pleasure of knowing, and finding, that "thing" that you immediately know is perfect for them. It has nothing to do with cost/value. Same is true for my relationship. I just don't know why you'd only see the negatives in this? It's odd. Had you not seen that price I'm betting you'd have been completely satisfied with it. That extra tenner makes no difference to the contents of the book, or the intent of the giver. I do wonder if there's just something else going on...

It isn’t about her parenting. She is GC and her daughter is fervently opposed to her views - according to other threads. I admittedly skimmed so not sure if I have this correct.

The OP isn't asking to be worshipped. Just shown the basics of respect. I bet the daughter treats her friends better then her mother.

Its a shit present OP and she is being tight. If she found a book she wanted you to have for that cheap then she should have thrown in a scarf or a voucher or something. I'd be very disappointed.

By the sounds of the back story, there's a reason for that. Respect also needs to be earned, as I said.

I don't know. 🤷‍♀️
Maybe she's struggling with the cost of living....high rent and bills can easily use up most of a fairly decent salary after tax.
Or maybe she thought you'd appreciate that it was from a charity shop.
If all is well with the relationship otherwise I really wouldn't overthink it.

Poor parenting leads to a poor relationship with your child - simples. What is GC?

@Crispsandcola that's an extremely naive view

@newnamechange98 Not a point of view, just facts.

@Crispsandcola your view fails to take into account that children become adults with their own minds, so great parenting can still mean people make poor choices as an adult, 'good' parenting does not guarantee adults who are lovely to their parents.

@newnamechange98 children who had bad parents turn into adults who choose not to 'be lovely' to those bad parents. They are also likely to have a hand in choosing the care home .

Smug and vicious. What a combination.

Can we please put the cost of living argument to bed, it's a red herring unless the OP's child is working in a sweat shop in Bangladesh or something, which we know she isn't. I've spent more parking my car for an hour, buying a cup of tea or giving to a random charity collection in the street. As will the vast majority of people on a weekly or monthly basis, much less those on professional salaries. Just last week I couldn't get the parking meter to take my card and a perfect stranger gave me 3 euros to pay cash because I didn't have any. So about the same as this girl spent on her own mother for Christmas. The amount is a joke and an insult unless the giver is an actual child (and one under 10 at that). It would be infinitely preferable for her to come straight out and say 'I didn't want to get you anything because I am mad with you' than this passive aggressive bullshit.

Single income, living outside of the family home. We don't know she isn't being hit by CoL. Especially knowing the rental market at the moment, her rent could have shot up recently, gas/electric we all know is horrendously high. 40k a year doesn't cover as much as you think if you're the only one paying rent, council tax, water, energy etc as well as potential commuting costs. Car breakdown or some unexpected massive bill and she could be skint.

And as the relationship is strained, OP might not have all the info around how her DD is finding it financially at the moment. She may know as much as us. Appearances can also be deceiving. Her DD may not be the one paying for the dinners out etc. We do not have all her financial information and so we can't pooh-pooh the CoL being a factor.

Living with partner - earning similar wage - so rent and bills shared. Not running a car.

Actually, I should have written GCF Gender critical feminist - google it for a better explanation than I can give but basically it is someone who campaigns for safe spaces for women - and much more.

edited for clarity.

Your daughter's a tight arse.

Most posters are dishonest virtue signallers.

Next question?

So predictable everyone saying 'but was it a good book'.

Your daughter has been mean. Sorry OP, I bet that stings.

Single income, living outside of the family home. We don't know she isn'tbeing hit by CoL. Especially knowing the rental market at the moment, her rent could have shot up recently, gas/electric we all know is horrendously high. 40k a year doesn't cover as much as you think if you're the only one paying rent, council tax, water, energy etc as well as potential commuting costs. Car breakdown or some unexpected massive bill and she could be skint.

And as the relationship is strained, OP might not have all the info around how her DD is finding it financially at the moment. She may know as much as us. Appearances can also be deceiving. Her DD may not be the one paying for the dinners out etc. We do not have all her financial information and so we can't pooh-pooh the CoL being a factor.

I'm struck by all the women, like this poster, desperately trying to find an excuse to let a mean-spirited young woman off the hook. Better, if the relationship is strained, for her to be honest and not give her mother a gift at all. Gifts send messages. This one says 'Fuck you, this is how I value you'.

I hope all those of you wriggling to find excuses for this ungracious, ungrateful child experience a taste of it from your own children.

Or maybe we won't fall out with our children, like OP, and then be hurt that they choose to send messages they feel appropriate for their relationship?

Apparently she fell out with her daughter by refusing to believe people can change sex and adhering to the view that women's rights and spaces actually matter. One of my kids fell out with me for a year or so because I didn't agree open borders were a brilliant idea and that charging rent was theft. Go figure.

Derailing the thread slightly, but both can be true things. However, again, we only know OPs version of events. The way she said things or what was actually said will always be a mystery.