To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

Either her finances are very tight - in which case might be worth asking if she needs help and actually help her, or you are not worth even a tenner, and then it’s worth reevaluating your parenting and what could have went wrong, and try to mend it. In both cases, remember you are the parent, and the onus is on you to fix whatever it is and take initiative (rather than blaming your daughter).

shes on low wage without rent. her daughter has to pay rent - rendering whatever free money she has after as minimal as someone on low wage if not even less. who is the parent in this relationship? i would never expect my child to spend more on a gift for me than i spend on them and i would love nothing more than to spoil my child - and not act like someone who needs to be spoilt myself. Sounds like a toxic parenting relationship that is deserving of no more than £10.

If she's spent plenty on other people then I can understand being hurt by this. However, some people just don't/can't budget a whole lot for Christmas-- our budget for Christmas this year will be about £300 for all gifts, food, drinks etc. (though it helps that we don't eat meat and don't drink alcohol!).

How does she treat you and how much time does she ‘spend’ on you? That is the only value that can show what your relationship is worth to her.

Completely disagree. No, children don't ask to be born, but if a parent has put time, thought and love into raising them, they deserve some acknowledgement and appreciation.

I agree. So many people trying to excuse not making an effort on your mum's birthday. Assuming no back story, it really shouldn't be expecting too much for adults to show a little appreciation for the people who support them and are there for them in their lives.

Me and my partner always get charity shop books for each other especially if they are out of print and have been trying to find them. Sad you only see value in how much someone spends on you.

Some of us know that there are more important things to get 'hurt' about. We look back and laugh.

You know - hahaha

I'm sorry these things and a piece of cardboard mean so much to you.

Not my concern.

Thank you though.

I totally understand how you feel OP. I’m not materialistic but I’d be hurt at a clearly second-hand book. Somehow it suggests a lack of thought and care. She’s clearly not hard up so if it was a book she’d thought you’d love, why not add some other bits and bobs. Why not rub out the price!

My sister in law gave me a secondhand book for my bday and it stung. There were even a few missing pages. I knew she’d probably just picked up something from her house that she’d already read. You can do that without it being a bday / Christmas gift! Special occasion gifts should make the receiver feel special. It’s not about money, but carefully choosing something they know you’ll love, and wrapping it with care.

Just because you want to race to the bottom doesn't mean others have to join you there.

I get it, I would feel the same. The least I would expect was that the price was rubbed off. Bit cheeky of her but casting my mind back hundreds of years to my twenties, I remember a time where I rarely thought of anything but myself. Let her off and put it down to the selfishness of youth.

Thank you for that insight.

I must remember to bin my sense of humour and let my children that they vastly disappoint me!!

Better?

I would have been hurt too, OP. It sounds like your daughter is a skinflint and that is such an unattractive trait to have.

Don’t see what the issue is. You aren’t a child, so would expect to be able to buy whatever you want - when you needed it. Does your daughter assume the same?

Agree. It’s a gift chosen by a loved one. All comes across as bizarrely grabby and materialistic

how on EARTH do you know this?
(hint - you don't!)
Daughter could be earning £60k and only spending £300 p/m on rent (£600 for a room that she shares with her boyfriend in a shared house).

Whereas OP could be working part time on minimum wage and still need to pay every other bill apart from a mortgage.

You've got no idea.

And regardless of how little the daughter has left after rent, I can't imagine she couldn't have saved the price of less than 3 coffees, or 2 tesco meal deals, or 1 glass of wine, OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR, to buy her mum a present costing a tenner.

Otherwise you're suggesting a grown woman on a professional wage can't afford to ever buy herself a coffee, sandwich at lunch or have a night out, in which case she's clearly living beyond her means.

I think many of us think our mother hold a special place n our families so we want to make them feel special and treat them every now and then. My mum’s present was always a priority for me - even as a young child with a Saturday job. But my mum was really lovely. Of course she had her moments but she was overall a good mum.

This

I agree.

So, your daughter bought you a present that you took 5 months to actually look at ? Maybe that’s why she only spent 2:50 on you….

do you not see the difference?

You and your partner BUY THE SAME THING having MUTUALLY AGREED it's what you both want. You don't buy your partner a £5 charity shop book then expect him to buy you a £160 brand new handbag, which is what the price difference is here.

I feel as if I'm arguing against my own interests here, because I actually hate present buying and receiving - I would be much happier with a charity shop book whereas my family enjoy buying and receiving expensive (and brand new) things. So I either accept I will have to spend more than I'd like OR I tell them I want to opt out, so please don't buy me anything.

What I would not do is buy them a £2.50 pair of socks from home bargains while expecting and happily receiving £80plus presents from them, which is what the daughter here has done. I'd be even more ashamed of myself if they'd done this despite me earning much more than them, and knowing they had scrimped and saved that £85 from their minimum wage job.

quite possibly the most ridiculous post on a thread with a lot of competition.
I didn't realise there was any correlation between how soon you use a present and how much you appreciated it, and then a further equivalence between how much you deserve to have spent on you.

I'll tell my friend that unless she downs the full bottle of rum I got her for her birthday the moment her door closes behind me, she clearly didn't like it so next year she's only getting white lightning....

YABU. OP has stated that they gifted daughter 2 books and a clothing voucher in return, so gifting books clearly seems like the done thing amongst your family. To state price as the reason you’re unhappy just seems ungrateful.

You raised her presumably.

@sarah419 and@Sweetheart7 This is not a young child whose behaviour is down to the parent, this is an adult woman who is happy to take and give very little back. No a parent is not responsible for every bit of bad behaviour by their adult child. Only children think they can blame anything they do on others.