To be disappointed about the book?

[AnnaSewell]

My daughter is in her mid-twenties. For Xmas she bought me a slim paperback book. I thought at the time it was a fairly modest gift but thanked her and put it on one side.

This evening I picked it up to read. I found she had omitted to rub out the pencil price put in at the charity shop. The book had cost £2.49.

I would like to have been worth a tenner.

What are you wanting from this thread OP - to simply criticise the gift or for us to tell you you are worth more (who knows maybe you are only worth £1 or maybe you are worth £1m, we don't know you!!!)

You brought her up, why do you think she thinks the present was appropriate?

Or she is your dd, maybe the fact you have come on her and haven't naturally had a frank conversation with her about the gift says a lot about your relationship?

Prompted by comments from other PP, I had a look at some of the OP's previous threads.

I've got a lot of sympathy for OP given her other posts, but there really is a VERY significant back history here - and a clear reason why DD only gave OP a cheap present. The only surprise is that there was any gift at all.

I'm in agreement with you OP on many things, but if you're not going to explain there's a very big back story, your post is extremely misleading. Lots of people are suggesting valid reasons and it's just a complete waste of their time because you know exactly what the reason is.

Nope, the point is we don't care. Sometimes I would have spent money on him but he knows that I'd rather have something I want than meaningless twaddle that costs a lot. What is the point of that? I usually spend more on him in the year so count that as part of his present as I can't afford much. Have also bought friends a charity shop book if it's one they want. It is the THOUGHT that sold count not the £££££'s unless you are extremely shallow.

How is it a race to the bottom to not be offended by the wrong piece of cardboard, or a lack of one?

My MIL once bought DH and I an anniversary card without realising it was for Mrs & Mrs. We killed ourselves laughing over it. We certainly weren't offended that she had misread it. She liked the picture and bought the card without paying attention to the words. It happens. Doesn't mean she doesn't value us. That gets shown in a different way, not through a piece of cardboard or the price of a gift.

Once I made FIL a cake for Father's Day because DH couldn't think of what to buy him and he loves cake. He was over the moon. The ingredients don't cost much (and I can make all his favourites with my eyes shut), but we definitely value him.

Did she explain why she'd chosen it for you? Was it a very different level of gift to what she got other family members? Had you spoken about gifts beforehand? How is your relationship otherwise? Different people have very different approaches to gift giving. I find it really, really weird to have fixed expectations on gifts, like "if you earn £40k, gifts should be £10+"
I think yanbu to be upset barring any other specific context (eg. She bought her MIL a lavish gift, or you feel more generally that she doesn't make effort for you while you do loads for her, or you did secret Santa as a family with a £50 gift limit - if something like that is true, I see your point)

The daughter doesn't "need" to mention or explain anything. The OP needs to stop either entitled and spoilt

There's a huge back story. See OP previous posts.

Op I think your over thinking this and you enjoyed the book.
I've got absolutely no issues with second hand stuff at all.
I wouldn't add up what I spend on my dc either compared to what they send on me.
They are our children, they didn't ask to be brought into thud world and they owe us no favours.

Having said that, I would be a teeny bit hurt myself! Especially if child was earning good money but unfortunately often young people don't think...

Some people do seem crap with presents. My dc are only young but the difference between the two! My younger one 10, loves buying gifts and immediately gets thoughtful gifts (via us either in shop or amazon), absolutely nothing expensive at all but she got me a very thoughtful little gift for 5 pounds for Xmas.
The other one! She doesn't plan bday gifts doe anyone, not even her friends! She'll say feebly at the very last minute mum can you run me to fhe shops!

So op I would feel hurt however, maybe shes not good at gifts and.... As I Saif don't add up what you spend on her it's natural for parents to splash out more on their dc

Op I think your over thinking this and you enjoyed the book.
I've got absolutely no issues with second hand stuff at all.
I wouldn't add up what I spend on my dc either compared to what they send on me.
They are our children, they didn't ask to be brought into thud world and they owe us no favours.

Having said that, I would be a teeny bit hurt myself! Especially if child was earning good money but unfortunately often young people don't think...

Some people do seem crap with presents. My dc are only young but the difference between the two! My younger one 10, loves buying gifts and immediately gets thoughtful gifts (via us either in shop or amazon), absolutely nothing expensive at all but she got me a very thoughtful little gift for 5 pounds for Xmas.
The other one! She doesn't plan bday gifts doe anyone, not even her friends! She'll say feebly at the very last minute mum can you run me to fhe shops!

So op I would feel hurt however, maybe shes not good at gifts and.... As I Saif don't add up what you spend on her it's natural for parents to splash out more on their dc

I don’t understand why people are falling over themselves and overthinking to justify the daughter’s behaviour? The daughter earns more than the UK average wage (and much more than her mother), seems to have a high amount of disposable income, yet chose to spend £2.49 on a Christmas present for her mother, the mother who spent a lot more on her at Christmas. As people have said, that’s less than the price of a coffee, for fucks sake. That was shit of her daughter to do it - just call a spade a spade.

I think some posters have been downright unpleasant to the OP @curiositykilledthiscat and obtuse - deliberately I assume. It was pretty clear from the first post what she meant and how she felt about it. People then seemed to get hung up on charity shop gifts, books as gifts and second hand book gifts which wasn't OP's point. She's been called grabby and entitled for thinking £2.49 wasn't much - it's not! It's pretty patheric. And the £10 that OP said she would haved liked (slightly tongue in cheek I think) is hardly extortionate either. Some people may not give presents or spend virtually nothing at Christmas, but that is hardly the norm and not something to make you more virtuous than those that don't IMO. OP and her daughter have not had this understanding (until now). As for the 'our children owe us nothing!' brigade - well that's debatable. I spend a lot on my mum because I want to, she's been a great mum, and I think I owe her a lot for her love and care bringing me up as well as providing more practical things like a decent home, education, etc. According to some on here, I'm being over generous.

@chaosmaker

Me and my partner always get charity shop books for each other especially if they are out of print and have been trying to find them.

I get the feeling OP would have been thrilled with this, a bit of thought, however it is very far from what she received - a cheap run of the mill book

Is there? I had a look but couldn’t find what you were referring to.

entitled and spoilt in my book is happily accepting several brand new presents totalling £80-£90, and giving a tatty second hand present for £2.50 in exchange, but okay.

"ha ha look at that mum we both bought each other dresses - okay you bought me a £90 brand new one from John Lewis and I got you a second hand Primark one costing £2.50 from the charity shop, with a stain on it, but what's the difference?"

I only mentioned it as PP had brought it up - I know MN is a bit funny about it being not ok to mention other posts (I’m autistic so find it all a bit confusing!)

But yes. Use advanced search and just put the OP’s name in. You have to click on advanced search to see them - I couldn’t find what PP we’re talking about at first but it’s all there. I’m referencing in particular the post where OP describes the fact her DD had basically gone NC with her and DD had not even sent a birthday card to OP.

The fact that in October last year the DD was refusing to have anything to do with OP probably has a huge bearing on her giving OP a shitty Xmas present just a month or so later….

Its a bit daft putting up this post and not mentioning the huge fallout they’d had.

Matter of opinion. Isn't it?
A piece of cardboard - um I see.
You are being deliberately obtuse.
Off you go with your amazing sense of humour - you know - hahaha.

If your parenting has lead to you receiving charity shop books as gifts from your daughter, good luck when it comes time to choose your nursing home!

One would hope, by your mid 20s, you'd consider yourself a grown-up and not still be blaming your mum or dad's parenting for your faults or inadequancies. At some point you have to own your own sh*t

Her daughter is an adult. Not 12

Why assume it's the OP that's done something wrong and not assume that the daughter really isn't very nice?

No, she sounds like someone who is hurt by her daughter's lack of effort or thought.

Your family on the other hand... well, you do you.

I think it really depends on context here. It’s entirely possible she’s been a thoughtless cheapskate, or it’s also possible that she’s struggling and did her best. None of us can know which is the case.

Personally, I couldn’t get an £2.50 present for my mum and not feel very selfish and greedy. My mum always gets me presents for Xmas and birthday and I like to return the favour and find things she’ll like. She’s not bothered how much I spend, or even if she gets anything, but I enjoy finding nice presents for her, and I’m fortunate to be able to afford to do that.

My family would be appalled if someone had bought them something costing 4x what they could have got it for, just to "prove" they value them. Because money is hard earned and shouldn't be frittered. We value each other plenty and we show it it so many ways. We just don't equate money with a person's worth.

I do not understand the people who value money spent over the intention.

Also, don't know if you've read everything else, but there is a back story OP hasn't mentioned where her daughter went NC with her for a while due to a falling out. So the intention may well have been "I bought something so you wouldn't whinges but I don't value you anymore because of reasons".

But you go ahead and continue judging how much you're worth based on money and material possessions. Definitely healthier than my families way 🙄

To be honest I think that makes the whole thing even worse.

OK the dd is making a point by giving her mother a token shitty present for Christmas- she's entitled to do that however passive aggressive it comes across - but at the same time she's happily accepted a nice expensive present from the mother she's not speaking to.

Its hardly having the courage of your convictions, is it?

Why do some women on here seem to think you have to fall over yourself with gratitude for your offspring even acknowledging your existence??

it’s weird

internalised misogyny maybe?