To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

The last person dropped out and it probably was a hassle to get someone else. So now you do it and they don't want to encourage this, because what if the next person does this and so on?

What astounds me is your sense of entitlement here. You actually think everyone else should feel sorry for you and pay extra? Just because you have an issue you really expect people to pay up. I just can't get my head around how entitled people have become. Why don't you do the work and find someone else and present them with that solution? Instead you pull out and think it's their issue to solve?

Some people have a very limited support network in life and if those people can’t provide childcare for them due to unforeseen circumstances at that time then it doesn’t matter how far down the line it is, they literally have no option. How do people really need this explaining to them?

@ForestForever you're not saying it's the avenue you'd choose, yet you state I'd have blocked them all by now as they're shit friends for not clearing OPs issues?

So what avenue would you be choosing? If it's not the one you state?

Except its not only 1 person, is it? One person has already dropped out and the group had to find someone else. Nobody has endless friends who they would go away with.

And the group hasn't actually said they won't try to find someone else. The OP has chosen to be a bit of a coward and not address it with them.

I’m not saying that it’s the avenue I’d choose but have you not seen the Hen do group chat threads on here? People pull out for genuine reasons and then get ganged up on by multiple people being insulted, manipulated and abused by people who they believe are their “friends” for having their own shit going on in their lives. They don’t seem to care much that she’s not going. You can see by posters dramatic, nasty reactions to this thread which doesn’t even affect them personally that people will take any given opportunity to be a bully. Too many people think they are the centre of the universe in life and it shows.

This is all a bit of a ramble and I don't understand what you're getting at, with bully and centre of the universe? The friends didn't bully her into not going, they're just not dealing with her problem, which is hers to deal with.

Two dropped out of our large group holiday. They both paid their shares in full but they are classy and decent people.

What they didn't say you were shit friends, bullies and block you?

Deposits paid to companies generally work on the basis that if you drop out then they re-sell your ticket/room etc. and the deposit covers the hassle of doing that.

However in a group situation where each place isn't independent and can't be resold publically (e.g. a shared house) then it's up to you to either re-sell the place or pay the balance. You need to make the effort to find somebody who can take your place and is acceptable to the rest of the group. Or, just pay the balance.

I haven’t once stated anything of the kind, what are you talking about? You’ve just completely made up your own narrative to suit yourself there. I would pay the difference and not be joining any other group excursions in future. I also wouldn’t go out of my way to interact with them again. They’re not responsible as I said to the OP herself for sorting her problems but a good friend will try and offer help. It’s not difficult to see that the OP isn’t valued and was just a “filler” to absorb some of the overall cost. £100 is a small price to pay long term to find out who your friends are. Going forward I wouldn’t waste my time or money doing things with people who are indifferent to me being there or not. That’s not how friends behave. I do understand why people would pay up and block because it avoids unnecessary drama which a lot of people would be disinclined to get involved with. I wouldn’t myself, but wouldn’t treat people like a criminal if they did, that’s up to them. If I had a friend who I knew struggled with childcare and had limited money, if I couldn’t afford to source the extra £10 and knew other people couldn’t/wouldn’t I’d try and help find someone else to replace her. Or at the very least reply because to say nothing is ignorant.

'crowds'?
Someone's good friends are a 'crowd'?

You have 5 months to sort childcare?!

Hardly a ramble, the people who’ve liked it seem to understand it pretty well so I think that’s definitely just you.

You’ve already proven that comprehension is not your strong point by quoting me on my other comment stating falsehoods that I’ve not said so I think it’s safe to say this is really your issue and not mine. I’ll break it down for you because you’re clearly struggling. A lot of the hen do threads on here who have WhatsApp/ social media groups end up with posters being bullied for not being able to make it for various reasons by people who are supposed to be their “friends”. A lot of people on this thread are digging out the OP for not having childcare because instead of being empathetic, people think they are the centre of the universe and cannot understand how someone else can have problems because they haven’t personally experienced it. Please don’t quote me again because you seem to be one of these people yourself and your inability to read plain English and not quote me without adding nonsense in to suit your own agenda is tedious. Thanks. Just incase you struggle one last time, if you do quote me I will not reply to you.

@ForestForever apologies it was @SabreIsMyFave that stated she wouldn't give a fuck and block them.

My mistake.

Then I guess the unfortunate reality is that those people should not plan to go away. If their limited childcare options breakdown it leaves them (and others) dangling. Better not to risk it.

But that’s the question, does OP want to go, want to sort childcare or can actually sort childcare?

I’ve got friends who are flakey as hell especially re childcare so I know they’re no goes generally for trips like this.

Then I’ve got friends whose childcare is restricted either because family abroad or dead or DP can’t help easily for whatever reasons, or they can’t afford or no other easy accessible childcare.

@ForestForever paragraphs might help? Another long ramble!

You cancel. You pay. If you want someone to replace you, you do the leg work. None of this is their problem. They shouldn’t pay extra and it’s probably radio silence because they have no one in mind.

I don't understand the childcare comments. Our only option for overnight childcare is the grandparents on one side. Due to ill health they're no longer an option and so we have no overnight childcare indefinitely. That's not unusual

I agree completely - also that not everyone has throngs of people to do childcare - but then if their availability's likely to be flaky wouldn't that be a reason to avoid committing to something like this in the first place?

It's true that the T&Cs might be worth querying though, if only to find out if the remainder really are on the hook for the costs

This is the decent thing to do.

People need to go into these things with their eyes open, not get swept up in the group chat excitement and agree to go without considering whether you can afford to forego the money you've paid if you have to cancel.

@Skint2022 I know it seems hard, but I do think you ought to go back onto the group and say you want to clarify that you will pay the £100 balance still due if you/they can't find someone else, so as not to leave them in the lurch etc. If they get other cancellations then the costs may fall on an increasingly smaller group of people, which wouldn't IMO be fair and indeed would be VERY unfair. If you want to stay friends with these people, it's the right and indeed only, thing to do

You have been advised already by another member of the group that they are still expecting the £100 balance to still be paid by you, so what did you actually say to them? If you suggested you weren't keen to pay it, the Radio silence may be, while they discuss it between themselves. It's the second call off so they may well be worried about that and I can see why they won't be happy about you possible reneging on the agreement. Or they may also be waiting to hear from you whether you are going to say you will still pay the balance or are worrying that you are going to demand the deposit back as well.

YABVU

Normally I’d say you should pay but if another person pulled out and they got their deposit back as well it’s not right that you are being treated differently.
Explain this to them
Can you find someone else to take your place.

Id hold off paying more whilst you look for someone.

You can’t expect people to pay for the fact you’ve cancelled even if it’s only £5 it’s the principle.

So people aren’t entitled to ever plan any time away incase something happens in their childcare providers lives? Seems like overkill to me and unfair to isolate a person because of it. How many people would you recommend a person has for childcare back up before they should be thinking of plans to go away? What if a child was unwell, it’s not really fair to leave that at someone else’s door when it’s your child. I think people need to accept that if you invite someone somewhere with children that there is always that risk that they won’t be able to go and you should just deal with it like any other unfortunate circumstance.

This is the issue with group planning. If it was an independent reservation, you would just lost the deposite and done.

I don't know how many people participate in the arrangement and how big the pool of potential replacements is, but finding someone else to go would be the best.