To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

It’s worth the £100 to maintain your relationships with these people and your reputation imo. Small price to pay as once you lose this stuff it’s impossible to get back!
also childcare issues 5 months in advance sounds phoney to me. That’s a week in advance excuse

You actually think that they should all chip in to subsidise you? Huh?

YANBU @Skint2022 and it feels like you've had a bit of a hard time on here. I would happily pay an extra £10 to cover someone else who couldn't go, (so they don't have the pay the £100 balance.) But even so, if it's 5 months away, surely they can alter the group number from (eg) 11 to 10, so the whole group only pays for 10?! If it happened to be next week, then of course you would be unreasonable to bail now and not pay. (Even if you dropping out was unavoidable.) As you said, you have already lost your deposit.

These don't sound like very good friends I'm sorry to say. When one of the friends in my DD's group of friends couldn't afford to go on a 4 day trip that 10 of them were going on (as she lost her job suddenly,) the other 9 split her cost and paid for her. (£17 each.) That's what friends so.

And yet your 'friends' are not even arsed that you're not going?! I'd be giving them all a wide berth at this point.

A few (ahem15) years ago I made plans for a day trip climbing with two friends. One dropped out last minute but offered the other friend (driver) petrol money anyway, I suppose on the basis that the cost of the trip pp had increased. The driver turned them down but told me, and we thought it was a measure of their excellent character but we also agreed it would be grabby in the extreme to have accepted.

@SabreIsMyFave "These don't sound like very good friends I'm sorry to say. When one of the friends in my DD's group of friends couldn't afford to go on a 4 day trip that 10 of them were going on (as she lost her job suddenly,) the other 9 split her cost and paid for her. (£17 each.) That's what friends so."

Circumstances were totally different. In this case OP has 5 months to find alternative childcare or someone to take her place.

How can you not get childcare with 5 MONTHS notice?

I would be very annoyed at having to pay for your flakiness and disorganisation.

Sorry but you are DBVVU

This.

This. Use an agency or get networking.

You can't expect the others to put in an extra tenner. But equally I don't see why if you've paid the deposit months in advance, that you should need to pay the full ticket price?
If this is the case can you sell the ticket online or in your wider friendship group?
I would want to see the t&C's of the booking before I agreed to hand over any more money. By what they are saying, you have a full ticket already purchased which they cannot cancel, even with 5 months notice and if you lose the deposit. It sounds a bit weird tbh.

This. If you make a commitment that involves money, you can't expect others to foot your commitment bill.

I don't understand the childcare comments. Our only option for overnight childcare is the grandparents on one side. Due to ill health they're no longer an option and so we have no overnight childcare indefinitely. That's not unusual.

OP, figure out what the costs are. I think it's fair that you pay towards the accommodation and any activities that are booked and can't be changed for the smaller number, but obviously you shouldn't be paying for food and drink.

Come up with a plan and breezily post it asking the others to check your sums.

And her 'friends' have 5 months to find someone to replace her. Cuts both ways.

It's £10 each. They're not very good friends are they so I'd be happy not to be invited TBH.

@CelesteCunningham · Today 10:09

I don't understand the childcare comments. Our only option for overnight childcare is the grandparents on one side. Due to ill health they're no longer an option and so we have no overnight childcare indefinitely. That's not unusual.

Yeah this. I am finding the 'ANYONE can get childcare if they reaaaaaly want to' comments, both laughable and insulting in equal measures.

NEWSFLASH! Some people have NO-ONE!

'Use an agency or get networking.' FFS!

@Ponderingwindow · Today 01:04

What happens if a cascade of people drop out? Should one person be left with the entire bill?

Irrelevant whataboutery. It is only ONE person, and would only cost the group £10 extra each. Or ya know they could try and find someone else to replace the OP. They have 5 months to do it!* *🙄

YABVU. What if a couple of others are forced to cancel? Before you know it, everyone else is having to chip in 30 or 40 quid to cover no shows. Citing childcare issues when you're months in advance sounds lame too.

Exactly this. I wouldn't give a fuck if they didn't invite me anywhere again. I wouldn't want to go! I would have blocked them all by now if I was the OP. These are shit friends. Have the 'she should pay the £100' posters on here not seen the bit where the OP said they don't give a shit that she's not going?!

Surely this is the risk you take booking anything in advance... sometimes you might not be able to go, but you are still liable for the costs. It doesn't matter the reason.

My sister can't come to a gig we have in a few weeks but she will still pay me for the ticket if no ones takes it. She would never expect the rest of us to pay for her ticket.

OP you know you’re being unreasonable to expect people to sort out finding someone else when the onus is 100% on you now that you can’t make it.

For those of you who are saying “your childcare issue is a lie, pathetic, sort it out etc” I hope you realise how unpleasant you sound. Not only that, how privileged that you all must be being inundated with childcare offers to not be able to imagine that others may not be so fortunate. It’s an annoying situation but real life for many people. The amount of time is irrelevant, if you only have one person who can offer childcare and they can no longer make it for whatever reason then that’s that and you have to pull out. You can’t magic willing babysitters that you don’t have out of thin air nor money to pay the significant cost of a nanny when the trip will more than likely by the cost be overnight. If the OP is quibbling over £100, she’s not going to be able to afford Nanny costs is she? The lack of self awareness, empathy for other people’s situations and blatant entitlement on this thread is appalling.

You asked them to book you a space. That costs more than booking without a space for you.

You asked them to incur an extra expense on the understanding that you would pay for it. Now you want them to incur the extra expense, for something they didn't want, and pay for it themselves. Or go to the trouble of finding someone else. Or possibly spend their trip in the company of someone of your choosing that they may not be comfortable with.

This is a problem of your making - asking for the space then pulling out. It's down to you to carry the costs (financial or otherwise) of sorting it out.

Exactly this. I wouldn't give a fuck if they didn't invite me anywhere again. I wouldn't want to go! I would have blocked them all by now if I was the OP. These are shit friends. Have the 'she should pay the £100' posters on here not seen the bit where the OP said they don't give a shit that she's not going?!

Blocking is such a cowards way out!

I suspect that the OP has had second thoughts about going and is trying to use childcare issues as an excuse. Also, why cant SHE find someone to go in her place? She is expecting others to pay for her being flaky/changed her mind AND to find a replacement.

I don't understand the childcare comments. Our only option for overnight childcare is the grandparents on one side. Due to ill health they're no longer an option and so we have no overnight childcare indefinitely. That's not unusual.

I am inclined to agree when the children are younger than school age, but once the children are at school I think it's unusual to have no one willing to help with an overnight when there is no other option. In fact I would recommend that the people who say they have no one should consider what they would do in an emergency, or not even an emergency, but something unpredictable, like a car breaking down.

How can you not sort childcare out in 5 months?

I’m not saying that it’s the avenue I’d choose but have you not seen the Hen do group chat threads on here? People pull out for genuine reasons and then get ganged up on by multiple people being insulted, manipulated and abused by people who they believe are their “friends” for having their own shit going on in their lives. They don’t seem to care much that she’s not going. You can see by posters dramatic, nasty reactions to this thread which doesn’t even affect them personally that people will take any given opportunity to be a bully. Too many people think they are the centre of the universe in life and it shows.

My eldest is six. I'd have other parents nearby I could ask in an emergency and they would certainly help and I would do the same for them. I wouldn't be asking for a night away though, sleepovers haven't started yet and I think it would be a bit piss takey to request just so I could get away.

My youngest is 3 and IMO too young to be away overnight with non-family, as you say.