MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

This is it! She didn't want to babysit 🤣

Pils can never win can they.

No, it's a minefield isn't it!

You lost me at “little bubs”

One of the weirder "cultural" aspects of Mumsnet is the idea that once we're adults, we should no longer expect anything in the way of a relationship with our parents because they've done their bit and we're entitled, as adult children, if we expect any level of emotional investment or practical support from them. How dare we?? 🙄 The only families I know who are this cold and detached in real life are deeply dysfunctional and toxic.

Back in the real world, it's entirely reasonable to be fucked off that your mum has deliberately booked a holiday with your new baby's due date smack bang in the middle, for the purpose of avoiding being there around their arrival. Likewise, most normal people are perfectly able to understand that mentioning the three holidays is nothing to do with resenting their retirement or wealth, but relevent in that it shows this particular holiday wasn't their only opportunity to go away for the year and didn't hold a special significance; it shouldn't have been more important than the arrival of their grandchild.

You don't sound like hard work at all, OP. People just love to pile on and feel superior. Mocking someone for their use of language smacks of bullying and snobbery, especially when that person is distressed at having been sidelined by family and losing a baby. It says so, so much about them and nothing about you.

This kind of dynamic where parents are disinterested and disengaged is deeply painful and it's clear that PPs either haven't experienced it or don't have the empathy or emotional intelligence to recognise it and imagine what that might be like. From experience, all I can say is that the more you try and engage with people who are pulling away from you, the more painful it is. In your husband's shoes, I'd be pulling right back and matching her effort (at most). Hunker down and focus on each other and the people who are showing you they care. Don't waste energy chasing people who don't care.

Live and let live. This is how they chose to live, that’s up to them. If they feel a little excluded further down the line, that’s not your burden to bear.

I really think, OP you need to be a bit kinder about the diabetes. It's a tricky condition to manage, and you get many ups and downs.

Yeah. It's like there's no middle ground between being overbearing and completely disinterested...

I never said that.
I was talking about diabetes.

@Fargo79 if they aren't interested that's that. They do sound clingy/high maintenance if they are keeping count of holidays

I am well aware.
I have adult DC.

Eh? I think you have the wrong poster.
I said no such thing.

Human beings have these things called emotions. So when your parent isn't interested in you, it's not as simple as "that's that". It's very normal for there to be an emotional response to that abandonment.

Casually noting that someone has had 3 holidays is not "clingy" or "high maintenance". What a silly connection to make.

Hubs and bubs 🙄 Give me strength!

PFB nonsense. Your "hubs" should stop counting how his mother is spending her money (3 holidays in retirement! The TEMERITY!!) and be grateful she has a happy fulfilled life.

@Fargo79 she said hubby is really pissed off about them taking a third holiday this year. It wasn't a causal mention.

Explain more about the trouble stirring

Becomes a parent? This is his fourth child. He's not a nervous new dad.

It would be interesting to know what happened with MIL during and after the other births.

@Nushyboots in your post you didn’t mention what your expectations were of your MIL around the time of the birth? Maybe you were hoping she could help with older children, or just that she would be excited enough to want to be around to see the newborn?

What is also a little confusing is the fact that she checked the due date with your husband, and then booked her holiday to co-incide with the birth! And then told him that is what she did! Some people want to give new parents space, but you can do that without booking a holiday! Or is it that she doesn’t want to help you out at all, so is ensuring that she will not be around at that time and letting you know now?

No, on the OP's other thread she says she's expecting her fourth.