MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

I can't understand why anyone thinks it's normal for a grandparent to deliberately book time away when their grandchild is due to be born.

At least you know when she will be visiting and it lets you know to expect the bare minimum from her.

Could it be a case of expectations being not clear? Can you say to her ‘I / DH would really like you to be there for the birth?’, if that’s what you want? I can see why she might think that her holiday is well timed because often people explicitly don’t want any visitors for the first week after birth, not even those they are close to.

you don't know when the baby is born. 3 weeks before the EDD to 2 weeks after is the normal 5 week time window.

Why does it matter if it's her 3rd holiday. and why would it matter if she is away on the day the baby is born.

You sound like spoilt 3 year olds. You are going to soon be parents. Grow up FFS!

You are having the baby, not your MIL. There's no reason at all why she can't be on holiday.
My DM has taken a whole month off to be there to "help" me when DC2 arrives. I wish she'd go on holiday...I don't need or want anyone pottering around my house. That's me, though.

MILs can't win!!

If she wanted to be around for the birth and straight after for your 'hubby and bubs' (vom), she would be overbearing and interfering. If she stays away, she doesn't care!

Why are you so resentful that they go on holiday? Why should people arrange their lives to suit you?
You do sound like teenagers.

Poor woman. And heaven forfend any woman trying to live the life she wants!

I wouldn’t see the problem if it was prebooked. But she asked the dates to deliberately be away? That’s so weird.

Agree . Ridiculous

Most people can't clear the month before and the month after!
That's a bit ott.

Why?

It seems odd she checked the dates and booked it deliberately over them. I get the hurt. PIL booked a long trip (5 weeks) just before DD was born. Other family members needed help with something, so they pushed the dates back to be away until 2/3 weeks after the due date. They were so excited apparently, wanted constant updates by message but weren't bothered about being in the country to visit. It also felt they prioritised this other relative (DHs aunt) over us. We had to visit them when they got back. In contrast my parents travelled 90 mins after work to visit us in hospital. PIL are still similar; desperate for us to visit to see the grandchildren but then largely ignore them when we are there. I've made my peace with it now (mostly!) as they won't change.

Obviously I seem to be in the minority but I think it's rubbish of your MIL, if she can go on holiday any time, to choose your due date. I can see why your husband is upset.

The only silver cloud I can see if that she treats you all the same so at least you know it's not personal. My Mum hardly sees my kids but helps and sees my brother's all the time even though we all live in the same village.

I have noticed a big difference since my Mum retired, I think some people see that as a chance to have 'their time' and not think about anyone else. Hope all goes well with the birth and glad your Mum is there to support you.

I suspect MiL has felt ‘sidelined’ by your DM in the past.

A birth is a very important moment mostly for the parents. 4 or 5 days are not going to make a difference. Baby can come a few days early or a few days late of the due date.
I don't see the issue about the holidays, I see your husband is resenting his mum because their relationship is not that close as it used to be, but that is another story built over time not just because she is on holiday this June.

I honestly don't get all these responses?! I wouldn't dream of being away from my family when something big like this was going to happen or was likely to. I'd want to be close by to help if needed or just to see the new parents and baby.

To book something deliberately across the due date is intentional, to me. My mother and her husband did it with both of my births and I was hurt and upset because it felt deliberate to be away when they could have been away at any other point in the year and was booked within weeks of me telling them when I was due.

I guess people just think differently but I completely understand your husband's upset, OP

Why does it matter to your husband? I think he needs to sort out wider issues with his mum. I would be happy if my MIL or my mum were away; stop them waiting around for the birth

I wish my MIL had gone on holiday when I had my babies. She was an overbearing pain in the ass.

I think its great she has her own life now, she is her own person after all and not just a mother and grandmother. I for one will of course love my grandchildren when they come along, but frankly, after over 20 years of having my own kids at home I will be ready for the opportunities to travel etc that having a family at home made impossible. My parents did this, and I applaud them for it and certainly won't feel guilty when I do the same.

Saying this gently - expecting your first baby is the centre of your universe, a life changing and exciting event. For her - it’s not her first grandchild and she lives far away from you. It’s just not as big a deal for her.

My in-laws live far away from us and came to visit when our first born was about 2/3 weeks old. I have family living nearby who helped with emotional support and practical things in the first few days. I actually thought it was really respectful of in-laws to give us a couple of weeks to get home and settled before coming up.

I think the crux of the issue is that his Mum was once single and so spent much of her life with her children and Grandchildren. And now she is happy in a relationship, obviously her focus is on her partner and their life together. Of course she won’t have the same level of time for extended family. Your husband needs to be happy for her and let her live her lovely life with multiple holidays…. Lucky her! He’s an adult and you and the baby are his family now, time to cut the apron strings with his mum.

Her request for dates suggests she knows exactly what she is doing. It isn’t subconscious. She hasn’t explained herself, but she isn’t being secretive about it.

I suggest your husband goes cold turkey on electronic communications. He can tell her this: no photos by WhatsApp etc. if she wants to know she should phone or visit. I’d also suggest he invites her for c.3 weeks after the due date.

It's her own life!