MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

Why? She doesn't live near them. She isn't needed. What is the point of her sitting at home waiting?

Mother in laws can't win. It's the misogyny of it, and people aren't seeing that.

I’m sorry I think maybe some of the responses is it was difficult to work out what your grievance was in the op.
but you expressed it later on - understandably unhappy your m’n’law has deliberately avoided the birth timing.
I suspect she is wanting your hubby to ask her why. Could she be jealous your mum is coming to stay and she has not been invited? It sounds so odd to ask the birth date and then book a holiday - screams of seeking attention to me. You both have a very good reason to be upset.

Your MIL is making the point that she doesn’t want to be looking after your other children whilst you give birth.

I do agree that families should help each other out, but she is entitled to not want to provide childcare.

What is the history around childcare? Especially when your other children were born?

Also, this isn’t your first child - even if childcare wasn’t the reason, it’s very different from having a first child so she doesn’t need to be hanging around waiting for news.

Again, she doesn't live near them. She was never going to be there for the birth. She will meet the baby at a later time, the same as if she had stayed home twiddling her thumbs.

The biggest issue here is that her sons have an issue with her withdrawal from their family life but aren't talking to her about it. I wouldn't let mumsnet put them off from doing so. Instead if I was her child I would speak to her in general about it and listen to her point of view. I wouldn't raise going away over the birth but speak more about the fact that she is withdrawing. You've said she remarried but where is their dad in all of this?

My mil was a great mum to her boys but when grandchildren came announced that she had done her bit raising children and aside from the odd bottle wasn't going to do any babysitting etc. She wanted to enjoy her life with fil and do all kinds of trips they coyldnt afford to do when raising their boys. Sadly fil got taken away from us too soon and instead she does those trips on her own.That is her choice and we respect her for it.

In your situation it's slightly more complicated because her sons don't know if it is down to her or her husband or a misguided belief that this is what you would all prefer. Instead of withdrawing himself he should speak calmly to his mum and find out where she is coming from. If she just wants to enjoy her own bubble with her dh then that is fine and ought to be respected. If she's backing off because she reads mumsnet posts and that's what mil's are 'supposed' to do then they gently tell her this isn't what they want. If her dh is controlling her then they offer help. Your dh and his brothers won't know unless they speak to her though.

I'd have given her later due dates as she specifically stated that she wanted to go on holiday when the baby was ddue. I'd have also made myself unavailable when she really needed me as well. People like your mil like to take but not give anything so they occasionally need to be taught a lesson.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all - every family is different and I do think a certain type of close family relationship you could expect to be there.
It sounds like the emotions are coming from a bigger change of her seeing less of the family, with this just being a more extreme example.
What's the MIL and FIL relationship like, is he a bit controlling?
I agree with you your hubby definitely should still let MIL know about the birth - that's not the way for him to communicate he's hurt, by hurting her feelings. Could you encourage him to go for a day out with her and talk about how he's feeling?
And congrats!!!!

Also according to PP this will be your fourth child? She really doesn’t need to be around for it, unless your real disappointment is you were expecting your other children to stay with her.

I do suspect you have both taken the piss a bit in her past around childcare, hence her making a very obvious statement that she’s not going to be here.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date.

I think with the relationship with mil how it is, her going away wouldn't bother me. This bit is weird though. To ring and confirm the due date so she could go away is a little cruel. She was trying to make a point here.
Anyway, try to put mil to the back of your mind and look forward to your little one's arrival. There is no point dwelling on it. Chin up and move on.

It's not misogyny, it's actually the opposite. Don't think I've ever said this before but this whole thread smacks of misandry. My bar for misandry is high AF too.

None of OPs post say this is about her, it's about her DH & his pain & disappointment. He's being let down by his parent but apparently it doesn't matter cos why? Men shouldn't want/need emotional support? This birth doesn't affect him in any way? He's been needy & pathetic cos his own mother has done something very deliberate to ensure she CANNOT properly support her own child?

A lot of you had distant parents & it shows. This isn't normal just like the whole 'lock yourself away for a month after a baby' thing isn't normal either. Sure, you don't invite yourself but you're on-hand! You're ready to jump if you're wanted or needed cos that's what parenting is even if your kids are adults ffs.

OP understands her DH has feelings & deserve those to be recognised & she's right to want to help him with that. Why is he so unimportant?

Mil is probably a MNer who has read that mil's aren't allowed to see their grandchildren for at least the first month of them being born as DIL just wants her,baby and partner to establish themselves first or other such bollocks.

🤣you are totally unreasonable to use words such as hubby and bubs
More MN bullshit. You can call them whatever you like. No one here is the word police.

its their fourth child. I bet if you asked the MIL there’s probably a good reason why she wants to be out of the way for it. And no her DH doesn’t need special hand holding for his fourth kid - the OP will be giving birth, not him and it’s not exactly life changing for him if he’s already got 3.

YABU, since covid they have decided to live their life. You DH and his brothers are grown adults. She will see the baby when she gets home. I feel 100% qualified to answer this as my mum was on holiday when my 2nd was born. I was happy she was having a good time and she sent me a message of the celebrating with the whole hotel when my youngest was born. Your husband is totally unreasonable that his mum cant live her own life

You and your "hubby" have your lives, soon to have your "bubs".
She's got her own.
Good for her.

I completely understand how your husband feels. Booking a holiday purposely over the due date is odd. If it happened that they were away it would be different. But to plan it is a bit strange.
My parents had booked to go away a month before my due date, which obviouslywas fine, but i was poorly and my son had to come early. Just before they went. He was 5 weeks early and i was in a bad way and almost had life changing surgery. They still went. At the time i didn't see an issue, my sister however was so cross with them. But she stepped up for me and i will never forget it. It made us closer, as it will with your mum x
Your MIL is the one who will miss out.

Yeah, I feel like there's a bigger picture here.

OP can call them whatever she wants. Equally anyone reading about "hubby" and "bubs" can read the posts and decide they don't care what this poster is complaining about , they're on the side of whoever is being complained about.

Christ on a bike, I WISH my overbearing MIL had buggered off on holiday instead of demanding regular updates on the state of my cervix during my incredibly stressful and long induction!

I'm sorry you're disappointed OP but honestly I don't think this is a Thing, you could get a chance to bond as a little family, she can meet your beautiful baby when she's back.

Coming at it from a slightly different angle. She didn’t go away but mil (who lives half an hour away) didn’t visit her new first grandchild for a whole week. I thought this was really odd at the time- my own parents had much further to travel and came like a shot.

years on and she’s a fantastic involved grandmother. Dh later explained that at the time she wanted to give us space to get to know the baby without being stressed about visitors. In hindsight that was really thoughtful!

@Americano75 yup, so often people often just have their own stuff going on. And we interpret stuff through our on lens. We assume we have a clear read on other peoples actions, when we rarely ever do.

It’s such a weird dynamic in the OP’s DH’s family that MIL has a husband with badly managed diabetes, that MIL is becoming withdrawn, and the brothers are annoyed and making it all about them.

But saying that, I do understand that the DH and OP would be disappointed. That’s a really normal response - I just wouldn’t attribute it to bad motives on MIL’s part.

You don't think it's weird for MIL to ask for due dates so she can SPECIFICALLY book to be away over that period? That's weird. She's got all the time in the world but wants to know when baby is due so she can make sure she is intentionally not around? She actively WANTS to be away when baby is born. Weird