MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

This is what I was thinking.

She's entitled to lead her own enjoyable life and not revolve around her adult offspring.

Yabu, why does it bother you? You are having the baby not your MIL. Not sure why it bothers you tbh.

There seems to be an overwhelming amount of adults who haven’t turned the corner to having an adult relationship with their parents. It’s obviously not wrong that your husband may feel disappointed about a decision he doesn’t like - but it doesn’t make her decisions unreasonable. She is a grown woman with her own choices to make! He perhaps needs to grow up a bit here and respect her decisions, they don’t have to revolve around him as an adult man. They just have different views here on this occasion, that’s how I’d look at it and move on.

It's such a shame that the 'my little family need to be just us for five years to boooonnnndddd' brigade aren't matched up with the detached parents/PiLs brigade.

Personally I think it's normal and desirable to be around for family's special events. I've got a friend who's recently not been able to see her daughter's new baby (no issues with illness) because of this fad. She's deeply hurt though obviously isn't saying anything. She was even told off for telling anyone that the baby had been born (not relatives the daughter wanted to tell herself, this is people the daughter doesn't even know).

I do feel sad for your DH. In the real world, I think most people want families to be interested and around (though not to an intrusive extent), otherwise what's the point of family at all? My parents were a bit like your MiL and it was really hurtful - although they were like that when I was a child too so it wasn't great surprise really.

Either covid made them decide they need to get out and live more (something I think many grandparents would benefit from), her husband isn't fond of all the family time/closeness before, or the adult kids have done something to make her reevaluate how she spends time with them.

Has your husband ever gently asked her if there's been anything that's upset her and mentioned he's seen a change in how much time she spends with family? Not to guilt her, hopefully he could also say he wants her to be happy etc. If you don't have difficult conversations you'll never really find out the truth.

Not telling her a grandchild has been born seems extreme. It sounds like he's hurting. A good conversation with his Mum may help!

Perhaps she's making a statement that she has a life and freedom that she enjoys and to not expect her to be available for childcare. Which is fair enough tbh.

This is your fourth child, apparently? Your husband really needs some perspective.

Am I the only woman in the universe with a loving and sweet MIL?
My PIL came 3000 miles and spent 6 weeks when I had my baby.
They were wonderful and sweet and kind and I was sad to see them go.
My mum & my MIL got along beautifully.

I’m sure you’re not the only one . But op has said she didn’t give a toss if MIL was in the country or even present when baby arrives so maybe that’s the difference.

Sorry, but I find this quite funny. She's obviously doing everything she can (perhaps a bit too pointedly) to avoid being the default child care for all your other children!

Are you saying this isn't even your first DC? We had secondary infertility and without going into boring detail I had the pregnancy from hell and knew the date DS would be delivered for months (unless he arrived more prematurely).
DS was our miracle, he entered the world ten years after his brother, nine months after the death of my DF. There was more love and excitement for him than our first DC, if that's possible from both families.
DH was a very much longed for only son (his DM said she'd have had ten DC to have a boy). He's now in his fifties and still the golden child and as much as I hate it our DC are the golden GC.
My inlaws were the type to be at the delivery room door, inside it if they could. I was relieved when I found out they'd booked a month's holiday around the date he was due to be delivered (and was). He was three weeks old when they met him
The only person I needed and wanted was DH. I'm surprised you're both bothered and so dismissive of the replies you've received, especially when the don't live locally (my in laws did) and you weren't expecting them to play a role anyway.

We do live a considerable distance from her so we dont expect her to be there

So, what’s the issue? I’m sure if she came to visit as soon as you got out you would probably be on here complaining. So, you’ll have space/time to settle in at home with the new addition for a few weeks and then she’ll be back. There is zero problem with that. I’m a parent of adults and I certainly wouldn’t be revolving my life around a new addition waiting, to pounce and put myself front and centre.

Honestly, it just comes across as your DH dislikes his mums new husband and resents her spending time with him rather than her life solely revolving around himself and his siblings. That’s sad for a grown man. He should be happy his mum is out there living her best life at this time of her life, but alas often not the case with a lot of kids these days.

My parents do things like this, more my mother than my father. They just have no real interest in their grandchildren. They are trying to repair the damage now that they are becoming more aware of how old they are and all their friends are leaning heavily on their own children. But honestly they froze us out over time and I’ve filled that gap, teenagers, work, close friends, menopause exhaustion and spending time with in laws I don’t have the energy to care that I’m finding it hard to make time for them.

It’s not your mother, it’s your MIL. You should be glad 😆

This happened to us and my husband was initially angry and then just upset and confused that his parents didn't want to be around for the birth of either of our children. Because MIL was of course not going to be a birthing partner she didn't see the point in sticking around. They have been abroad for every one of DCs birthdays so far and will only see this one because we are going away with them over that day. They won't see DCs birthday again. It makes my husband feel like he doesn't matter at all to them. But clearly it doesn't matter that much to them.

You’ve summed it up well.

in real life of course it’s bloody odd that a parent deliberately chooses to go away over the period when a baby is due.

She’s probably on MN and read about how many women refuse to allow their husband’s family to visit in the first week.

Minority opinion here, but this would upset me, I think it's how you're brought up, my family wouldn't dream of going away around anyone's due date, and if my mil had deliberately planned a holiday around my due date, to me it would feel like my baby wasn't important enough to be around for the birth, there's 48 other weeks in a year that can avoid the due date period.
I have older children and can't imagine being away for the birth of their children!
Also, feelings are feelings, your husband feels the way he feels, and is entitled to do so.

My niece was due end of June and I took 2 weeks off work to be with my sister. My niece was born just before midnight on the Monday I was back in work. That didn't go as planned.

Why would you want your mother in law around at that time? In an ideal world if she is to be of any help it would be after baby is born and Dad back in work.

I htink your MiL realised over lockdown more than ever that life is fragile and she wants to take it to the fullest- and she does not want to be around for the birth. Maybe she is stressed over it, maybe she thinks you expect her to help out, who knows.

It is possible that she wants distance.

but it is also possible that she truly though that you didn’t want her there.
Has your DH ever told her that he wants her to be present and appreciates her presence?

It is possible that she noticed certain dynamics due to the pandemic shutdown and decided to make certain changes. Live for herself, only go where she is wanted / appreciated etc.

she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date

she may have wanted her DH to tell her that he would prefer her to be there… this may sound childish. But your DH’s reaction suggests that this kind of behaviour may be a bit of a modus operandi on that side of the family…

edit: I would not want my in-laws (or most of own family) “hanging” around during my due date. Many other people on this thread clearly feel the same. It is honestly possible that she thought that her being on holiday would be best for everyone / would be appreciated by you as well.

^^This 🙄 100%
Good for her, she’s enjoying having holidays but your DH sounds horribly jealous and controlling.

My fiancé’s DM is lovely.

what you described still doesn’t sound particularly pleasant to me personally.

People are different. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe OP’s MIL truly didn’t think that her presence mattered or would be appreciated. She may have thought she was doing everyone a favour…

Why is what the OP calls her DH & baby any of your business? I hate this crap, laughing at someone’s choice of pet names. No need at all

Its not a huge deal that she won’t be there from what you’ve said, but quite (very) odd to ask for the due date to specifically book to be away then.
If my kids have babies I absolutely wouldn’t crowd them but I also wouldn’t make the active choice to be out of the country, just in case they needed me for any reason.
Have your husband or his brothers ever actually sat her down and asked her why the change since Covid?