MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

OK hun xx

Frankly she can do what she wants. But if she's hoping to be celebrated as grandma of the year then she's going about it all wrong.
I can't imagine ever saying 'when is my grand child being born? Oh great. I'll make sure I'm far away'
Such a weird thing to do

Yep. But she can't expect to be considered grandparent of the year later on. Or expect to be surrounded by family in her later years.
You reap what you sow. White hell specifically goes out of their way to book holidays when baby is being born.

😂😂

That was my first thought.

Or maybe she thinks you won’t want her around then as you’ll be busy giving birth etc, so will come to visit you when she’s back from her holiday.

Is she no longer a mum herself then? Is there a specific age that happens at? Will I be informed beforehand so I know when to just drop the children I brought into this world? Like, is it a letter from the government or the king? What about DH? When does he stop being a parent?

I've just realised my parents don't know about this, surely they should have had notification by now. And my MIL is currently visiting from a different country, she can't know either! Oh this is embarrassing, we even went out & had dinner last night.

Anyone know where I can find this information from so I can pass it on?

Thanks, you wrote my reply for me.

She probably had such a MIL and wants to give you space, and for YOUR mum to be there at this important time.

As for holidays, when retired? Good for them. What do you expect them to do, sit at home and mope, and drive you crazy with their demands?

Totally YABU.

When I read the title, I assumed that MIL had accidentally booked to go away when the baby was due, but it turns out she's done that on purpose. I find that bizarre. Did she say why?

My parents went away very close to my due date, and I was also quite perplexed by it. Many moon ago now - 27 years to be exact - but I still remember it and how weird I thought it was at the time.

She's a mother to adults. She may well be completely over being around small children.

It does sound like you resent her lifestyle. Seems a bit of a theme these days for grown ups to resent their parents retirement. It's a non - issue unless you make it one. She'll see her grandchild when she gets back.

You all want to grow up your mil his mother is entitled to go as she pleases.
Her parenting days are over for her she owes you nothing shes now enjoying her freedom.
Your having a baby shes not.
I think your all acting like your having baby jesus.

How can someone be so tone deaf? I really don’t know how you posted this as if there were a slight chance you were not being U

Tbh it seems odd that she would actively choose to book a holiday in order to be away when you’re due. Not least as babies come as early or as late as they like. The fact that she has told you that this is what she is doing, and why, seems very deliberate and quite hurtful - why not just book a holiday whenever she wants, even if it is possibly around the due date or not, and get on with it without flagging it?

But I think the dates/reason of this particular holiday is not really the issue - it’s the signals it sends, along with all the others, that she is distancing herself. If Dh and siblings are upset about this, I think they should really speak to her and find out what is wrong and why she actively wants to be disconnected from you all.

Did she feel vulnerable and isolated during lockdown? Does she, for whatever reason, feel that her children weren’t there for her at the time and is now acting out of pique? I think there is something underlying this change of behaviour and your DH will only get to the bottom of it if he and siblings actually talk to her.

Exactly. And she’s reaching the age where you realise you’re running out of road and your opportunities for travel and holidays are limited. A point is reached when you just want to make the most of the time you’ve got left.

Was she allowed to see your last baby/babies straight away or was she only allowed to visit several days later?

Did she pay for the family holidays and was she expected to babysit the children while on these holidays?

The performative nature of this is the issue.

She hasn't just quietly booked a holiday for the same time due to convenience or cost.

It's not even that she booked the holiday intentionally to be over the due date because she specifically wants to be unavailable. She could easily have asked to be reminded of the due date without linking it to her travel plans.

She has gone out of her way to tell her son that she is intentionally making sure she's out of the country for the time of his child's birth. That's the real weirdness here and it's hard to find a positive or benign motivation for that.

You are being a little precious over the due date. You need to put that aside and focus on the bigger picture that does not seem to have occurred to you or your DH. Growing isolation from previously close family members is a massive red flag for a controlling, possibly abusive relationship. That would be my concern here.

Plus most adults of middle age or over haven't the physical resources, even if they're in good health, to be taking care of babies and toddlers.

Great! She should go ahead and book it.

What I struggle with is why she would feel the need to make sure her son was crystal clear that she was choosing these dates specifically to be on holiday when his child is born.

I would if I had the type of DIL who would say no MIL for a week or two, as so many new mums seem to do now, then have her own mum round for cuddles every day. I would want to be far away so I didn't feel so hurt.

Something has gone on for her to distance herself this way and be so brazen about it.

Some of these replies are so weird. If she can go away any time specifically booking a holiday when your baby is due seems really really weird to me. Not saying I’d expect her to be there every second but being away on purpose feels like a weird power play.

Your MIL is really weird and passive aggressive.

It's fine to be away over the due date. My dad had holiday already booked and I never would have expected him to cancel. Five days makes no difference at all.

What's really nasty is asking for the due date and deliberately going away then. Horrible. Like she doesn't care about going away when convenient she just wants to make sure she's not in the county when her grandchild is born. That's really awful and I couldn't forgive in a hurry.

Unless there is a massive backstory and you and DH have form for cheeky fuckery, she's deliberately using one of the biggest events of your DH's life to hurt him.

How does she sound 'fab'?! Going on holiday is an extremely low bar for what 'fab' constitutes.

I don't understand why she deliberately booked a holiday over the due date - that just seems a really weird thing to do. It's one thing not crowding new parents, but this seems like she's making a statement that she doesn't want any involvement with this child at all.

Loads of posters on MN always jump to the defence of mothers/mothers-in-law of adult children, no matter how unpleasant they sound. A whole lot of projection going on!

she's deliberately using one of the biggest events of your DH's life to hurt him.

Come on! It’s his fourth child.

OP should explain how much childcare MIL has done in the past for her other DC, and what happened to the children during her other births. She’s making a point she won’t be looking after OP’s other children and that’s what’s key here. Has OP and her DH taken the piss in the past, or is MiL simply not interested in being that involved.