MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

I think its a very strange to actually ask for the dates to make sure she was away. That's not what a loving parent normally does.
As she still messages frequently and wants to be involved that way I would be a little worried that her husband is exhibiting some kind of controlling behaviour.

Because she is specifically selecting her holiday to be when baby is born. She's not booking random holidays. She asked when the due date was so she could make sure she was away. That's flipping weird.

I don’t see the big deal, she’s not the one giving birth, so she’s free to go where she ants and it’s not like she won’t see the baby

Hubby? Little bubs? Jeez.really??

I really don't understand some people who think this is a non issue. It's like someone asking when your birthdays, wedding, operation or any other specific event is and then saying 'great, I'll make sure to book my holidays so I'm not around because hell knows I don't want to be around when you have any events in your life^^ '

If that's not a weird snub from a mum o don't know what is.

Could she be in an abusive relationship? Withdrawing from family and friends is a classic sign.

However she may just be more invested in her new relationship.

My guess is she wants to distance herself from someone who uses the words 'bubs' and 'hubby' 😳

I really don’t understand these strange replies at all!

It would unthinkable to book a holiday when a baby is due in our family. Such a huge family event when a baby is born, of course your dh wants his mother present for such a momentous occasion in his life.

I don’t think your dh should avoid the conversation he needs to have. What is the issue? Why has she chosen to do this? She is your only living grandparent that is based in this country, it would be better to get to the bottom of it. Is she worried about being roped in to do childcare? Is she ill?

Have a gentle discussion about your observations with her - and then if she continues after that to pull back then you know you done your best, and the relationship will fade.

I'm due a baby this summer. I'd be disappointed if my mam chose that same time to go on holiday. I understand why your husband is upset about it.

The whole world doesn't revolve round you and your DH. I agree this is probably why they are distancing themselves a bit. You both sound like hard work. They don't need your permission to go on holiday. Ridiculous!

By being away over the due dates, baby will still be newborn by the time she returns.

Birth isn't a spectator sport and it's common for it to be days or into weeks before any individual family comes to meet baby anyway. The chances are that she's still easily contactable, we've moved past the payphone and internet cafe eras.

MiL lived in another country so booked her flights after baby was born timed to come and support at the end of paternity leave for a couple of weeks of additional support which was generous, appeciated and very helpful. There was no detriment to the relationship because she hadn't met her grandchildren in the first few hours. We had other friends and family visit before then and it was good having a steady trickle in the early weeks rather than everyone coming at once.

It's understandable that with a husband with a volatile health condition that she wants to enjoy the good times with him while it's logistically viable. June is a desirable month for retirees to go away for weather and term time prices. To delay for weeks until out of the newborn stage could cost ££££ more.

I wonder if she's realised she's just not a grandmotherly type (possibly not a maternal type, either) and doesn't have any interest in babies or small children? The withdrawing in general could suggest that.

It’s there fourth child…

Congratulations on your pregnancy but I think you're being a little unreasonable in expecting her to be on standby as some pregnancies can (and do ) go on for up to 2 weeks after the due date.
Could her husband be the reason she's distancing herself? Badly controlled diabetes can mean he's "needing" her to attend lots of appointments and she's concerned he might have a hyper glycaemic episode.
Hopefully after the birth (and the holiday) she will be a happy,loving ....if slightly hands off....Granny.

@Nushyboots

your hubby and his siblings sound a bit immature and petulant tbh. Their mother is entitled to a life.

oh give over ! Why should you be so bothered what she decides to call them .

MN, specifically AIBU, really is not the kind of forum where adult women use phrases like 'hubs' and 'bubs'. Just FYI. I'm told that the Netmums boards are much more tolerant of twee language but I can't claim first-hand knowledge. I looked about a decade ago, saw someone make a reference to 'baby dancing' and have never returned.

I find it so strange she's specifically gone out of her way to deliberately be on holiday over the due date. Why??? It's not like she just didn't remember the due date and happened to book a holiday. She went to effort to avoid being in the country when you have a baby.

She clearly doesn't want to be apart of any of your lives anymore so just leave her to it. No doubt she'll change her mind when she needs care or her partner dies. Its all about "I want to live my life not look after everybody else" until they need looking after then all of a sudden families have a duty to look after eachother.

I can’t believe I’m reading this. Just goes to show that Mils just can’t win. What’s that well known phrase or saying round here? “She’s had her turn”. Well she has, she’s done babies and now she’s retreating and enjoying her retirement. Good for her.

Some new parents would dream of this happening. Far better than some control freak insisting that she has the right to attend the birth and cut the cord!

Yes, she's done her share.