To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

[beinghonestherenow]

And I can see why, although he’s only 3. I’m hoping to god he changes but it’s not looking hopeful.

He is really … unpleasant. I never hear him laugh unless it’s this horrible cackle (which goes right through me tbh) when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to.

The more annoyed or stern someone is with him the more he finds it funny.

He is aggressive and bites kicks and pushes, snatches toys, literally the second another child shows an interest in a toy he grabs it. I keep thinking this is getting better but then we’re back to square one.

I am worried about the impact it’s having on my marriage (I’m close to leaving tbh as I can’t cope) and our other child.

OP you have remarkably rigid thinking.

They're probably used to that sort of situation to be honest. Why not go on the course (if you're offered it) and ask what they recommend? It's also possible for kids to interact differently with different parents - perhaps the parenting course would help you enforce those boundaries you were talking about and then at least that makes your life easier when it's just you and the kids.

As a SEN parent, I'd also say don't rely on school to be the watershed moment for diagnosing neurodiversity. If anything it can make it harder as kids often mask at school (as your son may be doing now at nursery) and then school say no problem, everything is fine, and it makes it harder to get a diagnosis.

@beinghonestherenow this is wise. Do you have any RL support at all to lean on to have the baby for you while you spend 1:1 time with DS?

Agreed, and a tendency to see the worst in every sitution or suggestion.

Wondered how long it would be before someone came up with that.

When my daughter was four, I discovered that her behaviour improved when we avoided packaged foods as much as possible and had a two week additive free diet.

She was often defiant, and sometimes had tantrums and was reacting quite badly to some seemingly harmless food additives such as 160b food colouring in vanilla yoghurts and other foods. May be worth checking for additives and aiming for additive free diet for two weeks to see if any changes.

I must ring my GP and HV and get diagnosed <eye roll>

No, I really don’t. My only ‘rigidity’ is that at the moment there isn’t enough to go on re pursuing a diagnosis for DS. That isn’t rigid. It’s just how things are.

I do think a lot of the behaviour stems from jealousy but I don’t have anyone to have the baby. At weekends DS prefers to spend time with his dad. I used to enjoy reading stories with him before bed but that’s become difficult lately as he keeps throwing books around and refusing to choose one and it isn’t a pleasant experience.

I can empathise with this, the laughing/smiling and not caring about consequences. We had a very rough ride through nursery, primary and early secondary and felt we were being judged as parents, which was very stressful. Normal discipline techniques just didn't work for us. Our DS ended up with an Autism/ADHD diagnosis but is very high functioning (intelligent and sociable with his friend group) and we are out the other side now.

I see exactly what you're saying about seeking a diagnosis. In the end, we went down this route (it took a long time, until late primary) so school understood it was not just bad behaviour. With time and maturity, our DS became better at regulating his emotions and much less impulsive until the behaviours stopped. There was also an anxiety/control component for our son and I think this improves when they are more independent and more in charge of where they are going/what they are doing.

It is really hard not to worry. I found being outdoors, running around, long walks, helpful ways to spend the day without conflict and it was good for me too. It always seemed worse in the house or with other children as our son wasn't good at nursery-style free play or playing with toys imaginatively. Structured play like jigsaws and sticker books/mosaics were helpful for us. Also, sending him to his room to calm down and give us a breather was useful. Talking it out didn't work for us and I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy trying to reinforce a point when it clearly wasn't getting through.

Don't feel guilty. We found the health visitor a useful listening ear. I hope you can find some time for yourself.

OP, I'm no psychologist but I think this is relevant. You need to prioritise spending regular 1:1 time with DS and you need to find a way to make that happen. I don't pretend for a moment that it is easy but it is vital. You need to be prepared that he may kick off and push against this time at first, too. He is feeling rejected and displaced by the new baby. He prefers to spend time with DH because if he was already largely absent then the loss is much less.

i have no one to have DD. Bossily insisting that I have to doesn’t change the fact I don’t.

I do believe there are times when it's actually kinder to demo to a child than to continuously berate them psychologically when they just don't have the reason to understand the words. I have a friend who was at the end of her tether after a year of a toddler biting other toddlers. He only understood what he was doing when his Mum (gently!) bit his finger. The penny dropped and he never did it again! It's our job to protect the children being attacked too, not just the attacker.

To be fair there has been a deluge of ND suggestions to which she’s responded that she really doesn’t suspect that too much.

After a while …

OP are you/ dc into music much at all? I was just thinking with the affection thing it can feel really forced when you are cross with each other . There are lots of songs - from nursery rhyme types right up to chart - that have affectionate words and that can be a place to start. One of my dcs and I had a little ritual ( I’d forgotten this till now!) where we used to sing Clarence frogman Henry “ I don’t know why I love you … but I do “ . The words are mush but the tune is slinky and fun and upbeat. We used to
mime playing the brass instruments at the instrumental bars and point at each other when it said things like “ I want you only.” Then both loudly sing the “ don’t know why I love you but I DO!! “ Do you think he would respond to that slightly rowdy way of giving and getting affection? Just as ice breaker when it’s been a bit strained of late …

Sorry @BeenThereItgetsbetter

Thank you for your post - and username!

I'm not being bossy, OP. I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for you. Stating a very plain fact isn't bossiness. There is clearly a huge DH issue underlying all of this. You have a DH and therefore in the simplest terms you do have someone to have DD. He is going to have to step up. Does he know you are on the brink of leaving?

Could you try correction by demonstrating the kind way? Like when he snatches, take it back and say No don't snatches, look do it like this. And then demonstrate taking it kindly and playing with it together. Any effort he makes at this, praise, even if its not quite there.

I saw this years ago somewhere - "If you are finding your child difficult to love watch him when he is sleeping"

Not day to day I don’t, @WitchWithoutChips , and at weekends i do attempt to spend time one to one with ds but it frequently feels I spend that time correcting his behaviour so often (not always) counterproductive. I take him swimming but he was such an absolute arse last week I actually seriously considered just withdrawing him as it was that embarrassing. And I didn’t deal with it well TBH.

That’s my current strategy or repeating something in a more socially acceptable way (EG go away mummy - I need space please mummy) which I don’t expect him to get just yet, it is a start.

He misbehaves in 1:1 time because he feels rejected and he needs to test you. Try taking him somewhere where you won't feel watched or judged - a walk in the woods, for example, or get DH to take the baby out and spend time at home with DS, eg baking or painting or whatever. Withdraw him from swimming for a few weeks if that is a major flashpoint.

If I'm reading correctly it sounds like DH works away in the week. Given the seriousness of the situation he might need to consider something like taking some annual leave one day a week for a little while. You are in an absolute crisis situation and he is going to have to step up. He needs to know how low you are and how serious this situation is. I am really glad that you are going to seek some support for your own mental health - it will help you to cope with this very difficult situation.

Tbf “ I need space please mummy “ would be quite evolved at three!

Though I do remember quietly asking one of mine at about that age to say goodbye and thank someone for the gift they had brought . The “goodbye” bit got said then, turning to me, “ and I’m sorry mummy but I’m not really feeling up to managing the other bit right now.”

He hates baking and painting. I really know you are trying to help but realistically an hour of walking in the woods is not going to put anything right. I will be able to spend a bit more time with him when DD starts childcare which is in a couple of months.

Yes take him out of swimming. Those “ everyone is watching and waiting for you to behave DC “ groups aren’t always helpful and swimming teachers tend to have short fuse as safety is an issue. You will both just have a pressure point each week.

Yes I know rhat @Calliopespa . I did say very clearly I did not expect him to get it yet.

Fucking hell this criticism of every fucking thing I do is REALLY annoying.