To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

[beinghonestherenow]

And I can see why, although he’s only 3. I’m hoping to god he changes but it’s not looking hopeful.

He is really … unpleasant. I never hear him laugh unless it’s this horrible cackle (which goes right through me tbh) when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to.

The more annoyed or stern someone is with him the more he finds it funny.

He is aggressive and bites kicks and pushes, snatches toys, literally the second another child shows an interest in a toy he grabs it. I keep thinking this is getting better but then we’re back to square one.

I am worried about the impact it’s having on my marriage (I’m close to leaving tbh as I can’t cope) and our other child.

I feel for you, OP. You sound like a really good mum who is determined to do her best. I am sorry that you have been given a rough time on this thread.

I wholeheartedly echo pp's recommendations to get some support for your own mental health and I am really pleased to see that you are going to ring the GP for yourself. You sound very low and some treatment may make all the difference. It won't take away the external stressors but it might help you to feel a little more able to cope.

I am also really struck by how absent your DH is from your posts. You say that he works long hours but you write as if you are a lone parent and you are not. He is going to have to step up both as a father and as a husband. Do whatever it takes to get a morning together, just the two of you, where you can explain to him exactly what has been going on and what help you need. Does he know that you have been pushed so far that you have considered leaving? He needs to understand the gravity of the situation.

Good luck

I think this post is very helpful OP. There is a tendency for people to suggest ND at the drop of a hat these days but he could just well be a pita three year old. Lots are - and it’s one reason most nd diagnoses don’t happen till later.

Like this poster, I do believe the “ big temperaments” can be tricky as toddlers and young children but often it gives them a backbone that can, curiously, make them quite easy through the later childhood and teen years. Every time he laughs when you tell him off, you can imagine that channelled into resistance of peer pressure! Not saying to encourage it, but just making the point that being a compliant temperament makes for a lovely calm preschooler but can have problems down the road.

I honestly think you both need to remind each other you love each other. Even adults can get in that rut, and it’s hard to find the moment to be nice when things are “off.”

I should add, that before we had a diagnosis, I strongly believed that I was the problem and it was my parenting that was wrong - I managed to completely ignore the fact that I had an older daughter and she didn’t have behavioural problems. I blamed all negative behaviour on myself. I also wasn’t at all convinced as a result that my son did have ADHD, which is why I didn’t push harder - i think I feared the dr would be scornful and say it was down to me.

DH is my biggest problem in many ways, is why. Lovely man but has vvvv low expectations of DS - and mine are probably too high. DS is notably worse in days DH is WFH.

And thank you. I really hope he’s going to have the confidence and the strength to manage tricky situations. Three year olds are indeed dickheads: that made me smile.

A lot of ND kids are sensory seekers and young kids need a lot of physical activity and physical play, ND and NT kids, I don't like the term 'rough housing' but can't think how else to describe it. If they don't get what they need they can seek it in unhelpful ways. Is he getting enough of this kind of activity? Behaviour is communication, and bad behaviour is a presentation of a unmet need. Find the need, and fulfil it and a lot of bad behaviour will go away because you've got to the root cause. Then you can remind them that if they want to kick, instead they can jump on the trampoline. If they need to be chased and tickled and tipped upside down, they can ask for that instead of hitting out. If they feel like damaging things in the house, you can help them find some heavy work to help with. If it doesn't work completely he'll be too tired to do too much harm, and hopefully sleep better and give you a longer evening.

Can I ask what happened in February? And how was your pregnancy with him? Was he premature?

Hi again OP. You really don't need to lie to the receptionist. Just call and say you are very worried about your mental health and are struggling to cope - today - with two young children and you need an urgent appt.

I mean this kindly because I know you are overwhelmed... You want your son's behaviour to change, but simultsneousky, you seem very resistant to changing your own behaviour - ie. asking for help. In this way, you are both stuck and defensive. He's acting out because he's 3. You need to be able to talk to a professional in a safe space.

Can I ask why you refuse to consider counselling or therapy?

I’m really not discussing my mental health with the receptionist and besides if I do that I won’t get an appointment as it’s not urgent.

@Tranquillity1967 for gods sake drama llamas are the last thing I need. Wind your neck in.

You can't possibly think that your last sentence is appropriate or helpful. Reporting this post.

Receptionist ask questions so they can best appoint the right person for you and assess urgency.

Not liking your 3 year old son is urgent

Without going into the ND thing, you have identified some traits in your child:

He doeent necessarily recognise or verbalise when he is not well. I would hazard a guess he doesnt recognuse his own emotions. There is stuff you can do to help him recognise what is going on the body:
IE After lunch, my tummy feels so full, how does your tummy feel,
Before bedtime, yawn, I feel so tired now my eyes just want to close. What about you?

About the need for movement, do you have a trampoline? If you google there are products you can get such as indoor swings. One of my ambitious friends even created an indoor climbing wall.

But most importantly you need to look after you. You need to make sure you are feeling oin a good place. This likely means time out from bring a mum. (A walk, sitting in the tescos carpark mumsnetting, whatever is right for you)

I know you are not keen about parenting courses, but in terms of peer support it might help. I wouldn't rule it out.

Oh fuck off

And THAT, for the easily shocked on here who have been complaining about my rudeness - THAT was rude.

Sounds exactly like my nephew at 3. He has ADHD.

@IBelieveInFerries that obviously was not aimed at you.

However I have already identified that myself. It could be a sign of ND but on its own is not going to lead to any sort of diagnosis. It equally could just be DS. I am not here arguing he isn’t ND. What I’m trying and evidently failing to get across is that at the moment he is absolutely nowhere near the threshold for any sort of diagnosis, even an investigative sort of one, and therefore any support would not be forthcoming. and I do actually think a lot of posters are very naive about how much help and support is available anyway. I have rang the GP for me (no 26 in the queue 🤣) I realise lying would be counterproductive so I doubt I’ll get an appointment but nothing ventured. Unfortunately I expect by the close of day nothing will have changed 😭

I do think a lot of DS’ difficulties have stemmed from a combination of being born in lockdown, some illnesses which have been difficult for him, my pregnancy and the subsequent birth of his sister - I’m aware he’s had a lot to cope with in his young life. I’m also aware he is three and three year olds can be vile. What’s concerning me a little is the laughter to be honest here - he isn’t upset and lashing out. Must keep remembering he’s three …

Hello again @beinghonestherenow. Try to build up the courage to call your GP, not about your little boy, but about you. I agree with previous posters that yes you will need to answer a few questions to check you're not dying, but you could simply say that you are a new mum who is struggling. Perhaps they will have more services available than you are aware of, so you may not need to wait to see a GP. Maybe they will understand more than you imagine and prioritise you over someone waiting for an in growing toenail to be checked.

You've admitted that there are problems with your DH and his parenting. This should be a team effort. I wonder if you spend so much time focusing on your little boy's behaviour that you haven't had the time (or confidence) to focus on your DH's behaviour. It's easy to back off because you are afraid of unveiling bigger issues you don't want to confront. Small children do pick up on under currents at home too.

I hope you're feeling more positive today.

My son will be 4 in August. We had problems with him slapping children in nursery and slapping his younger sister.

Does your son have a younger sibling?

Nursery said it can unsettle them and make them jealous even if they don't show it.

So many times we had to remove him from his sister, tell him off and give her lots of cuddles.

He's better-behaved at nursery now.

He plays more with his sister now. He still slaps her every now and then when they are fighting about toys or he feels that she comes too much in his space.

He always says "sorry" now, "I love you" and gives her a kiss and a hug.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Either you punish it out of him gently, but sternly, or he will be beaten the proverbial .... out of by his peers in the nursery, school or uni. The choice is yours.

I feel your pain OP, my child is now 8 but age 3 was a huge challenge for us and its when nursery noticed there were some sensory and communication issues with her and they got someone to assess her, it all went pretty quiet as lockdown hit just before she was due to start school. By year 1 they sent all the paperwork off and 1 year later she was diagnosed with adhd. The nursery senco helped to put some things in place to help us all at home and school did the same, we also spoke to a family support worker. There are days when I want to run away as its exhausting and a huge pressure on mine and oh relationship. It may be worth speaking to your Dr for some mental health support or medication, I have been on anti depressants on and off throughout the years. X

Right so any actual suggestions of how to do this would be welcomed. You say ‘punish it out of him gently but sternly.’ I say - how? Which punishments would you use?

Lots of posters are saying ‘sounds JUST like mine as nursery said …’ nursery have said nothing here. I’ve asked explicitly if they think he has any ND and they’ve said no. That doesn’t mean he definitely doesn’t but I do think it’s an indicator he’s borderline at best at the moment.

I’d trust your instinct. Mums are usually right. If something feels off, it could be something.

From what you describe his behaviour shows more psychopathic tendencies not autistic or ND characteristics.

MN always assumes there’s an answer, a solution and a bottle of pills or a chat with the doctor or just ‘trying harder’ will get you there.

OP I found three years old so challenging with my DS and felt quite disconnected from him.

It’s the time when they are at their most bratty. Give it time and let’s hope he changes. The fact he was more connected at 2 with you suggests there is some ability. It will resurface at some point I’m sure.

The thing about 3 with my DS was his absolute head-driven desire to have what he wanted and to hell with the consequences.

Hes 12 now and the kindest sweetest emotionally secure boy you could imagine.

They couldn’t be more different. They do change slowly but surely.

Don’t give up hope. Things will change. I know of a couple of kids that laughed like that. They are both fine now. I don’t know them well but their DM was also like that as a kid but she’s an accountant now. Both kids at secondary doing fine. So try not to worry too much.

These early years are frankly, shit. I hated them. But it really does get better.

I haven’t read all the posts just your replies OP.

firstly, let me offer you a virtual hug. You’re doing great. It’s so hard to parent a child whose behaviour you don’t like.

I think there’re a couple of things to think about. One is that you’re taking things personally. You’re over thinking, over projecting (what my future will be like with a child like this?). Kids pick up on the littelest things and will test their attachment. They test attachment by trying to break it - as in messing up and being deliberately naughty. Because they want and need to know if their mom (primary caregiver) loves them still even if they are naughty. Some children test it more than the others.

second thing is that there is a plethora of mental health problems that a person could have apart from being ND. So you might really want to have a chat with a child psychologist.

I agree I am taking it all far too personally which in itself is very possibly a sign of depression. I think it’s been around since he was born. Everything was difficult. Birth, feeding, sleep. But even if I can get an appointment I’m not sure what will happen. Hopefully some medication might have me feeling a bit better but I’m not massively convinced this is the answer either … very difficult.