I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

i believe i have an understanding of how to treat people. i have a lovely bunch of friends around me and im very lucky to have that

that is why i am frustrated, i believe it was just a mistake and i wanted to come on here to understand if people could see it as a mistake, rather than a manipulative/abusive thing. it wasnt my intention and i was just upset at the time

Clearly it was a mistake too far for your girlfriend. No one else can make that call but her.

She’s decided that’s it for her. However painful or difficult that is, OP, you need to accept that, respect her choice and move on.

I think you’re apologising too much. You’ve said that you feel you’re walking on eggshells, which is often the sign of a personality disordered individual (EUPD? And you’re autistic?). It’s difficult to tell from your messages but she sounds very unreasonable and emotionally immature. Yes, she has every right to be annoyed at something you say but she doesn’t have the right to make you beg for forgiveness, be manipulative and then be angry at your comment about wanting to die.

At the moment she’s got all the power in this relationship so maybe try pretending that you’re not bothered. It shouldn’t be this difficult and you have to ask yourself whether you actually want to spend your life dealing with this nonsense. It could be that her behaviour has worsened because she’s lost interest (lucky escape) or that the love-bombing phase is over.

Disclaimer: I know I may have got this wrong but this is the impression I get from the limited information I have.

This.

People aren't obliged to accept bad behaviour even if it’s a mistake.

You need to let it go.

She’s not making them beg for forgiveness. She’s entitled to decide the relationship isn’t for her and to either have some space or move on. Moving on isn’t “making” someone beg. She hasn’t asked the OP to prove themselves or anything

How is the OP having to beg for forgiveness? I haven't seen that mentioned anywhere...

Also I don't see the ex as being emotionally immature or that OP has had a lucky escape? People have weird ideas!

The thing is, it can be a mistake and still be enough of a mistake that it's a deal breaker.

In the context it was said, this was emotionally manipulative. For lots of people that's a huge red flag. With the added knowledge she recently lost someone I can easily see how it's enough for her to decide to walk away.

It's done, you said sorry, she's reached the end of the line regardless - so focus on making sure you don't make that mistake again in your next relationship.

it's not fun at all waiting for those mistakes to be pointed out again

No, it can't be. Let that thought give you strength to move on. When you meet the right person, it's easy. This is hard work, and it doesn't sound a great relationship for your self-esteem.

Surround yourself with your friends for a few months. Practise self-care. Rediscover what's great about you and then, if you want to, put yourself back out there and start dating again. But take the break first.

Please work on accepting that other people's wants are equally important as yours.

It doesn't matter how much you work on yourself to get her back if she doesn't want you back.

OP try posting with the genders reversed and you'll get different answers

she will say things like 'im trying as i know you dont mean the mistakes' or 'i want to stay with you because i love you but you've done these things wrong...'. it made me feel i should stay because she was trying so hard, as well as me enjoying the good times/my love for her

i have no issues with friendships/colleagues but i seem to struggle with romantic relationships.

she is far more accomplished, together and successful than i am. she's a better person in almost every way

how do you think so? people would all tell her to leave me if she said her partner said they want to die?

If I had put so much effort into a relationship and forgiven a lot, then it wouldn’t take much for me to end things because at the end of the day no relationship is worth that amount of stress.

A relationship is not working if someone is constantly having to forgive their partner or putting in loads of effort to try and force it to work.

This relationship doesn’t work. End of.
She’s finally woken up and realised that, so now it’s time that you do the same.

You have apologised and that is all you can do.
If she wanted anymore contact she would have replied.

Your best bet is to delete her number and try to start moving on.
You will of course be sad but you are already sad but it just saves it dragging out for too long.

They are both women. It would be the same response for two men. Or one man, one woman. Might be different if one was a cat... maybe 🤔

Try noticing they're both women.

Nah people only realised halfway through and by then the tide of the sentiment was too vicious or set to turn. If OP's gf was a man, 100% there would be many people calling him abusive, emotionally controlling, a sensitive wuss, etc... I bet on my life and even my pet's life, since you brought up pets 🤣

I'm not saying OP's in the right here though, only that the brilliant critical/independent thinking minds of Mumsnet are ever so predictable LOL

It may be a difficult task for you but try reading the thread history and post chronology

I didn't. I read it was two women

Still thought the OP has a massive issue with accepting responsibility for actions.

Sorry I don't know what you're saying - you're overcomplicating things.

the man i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. he's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around his friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that he didn't like, and he's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." he hung up on me.

i've been trying to see him since then, but he sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now he won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

You would without a shadow of a doubt get:

• He's a controlling, emotionally abusive prick
• What a sensitive wuss he is
• He's a narcissist
• Leave the bastard

I'm not saying either you or your gf are in the right or wrong, imo too hard to tell without proper context of tone and history — only that there's zero point to this exercise of yours of gathering relationship feedback on Mumsnet lol

I've read the full thread. Where does OP say he's a man? I know OP said they weren't.

There have actually been lots of posts sympathetic to the OP. I don't think it's remotely reasonable to assume that responses are based on nothing but the sex of the people involved. That's insulting to everyone involved.

if I was a woman dating a man, people would say he was abusive but because i'm dating a woman....people think i'm the one largely in the wrong?

No. People think you're largely in the wrong because of your self-described behaviour.

Some people think that there's an anti male bias on MN and that you got the responses you did because people thought you were a man.

I read the OP as two women, no men involved, and I responded exactly as I would have regardless of the sexes (or genders) involved.

The OP’s inability to admit responsibility on this thread is a huge indicator that they aren’t innocent in this situation, and I really can’t see where the partner has been remotely “abusive”, other than in the OP’s determination to avoid taking responsibility themselves.

It doesn't matter at all what the genders here are. It's pointless to get caught up in in OP. You were dumped. She's nc and moved on. What point will you accept that?