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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

328 replies

SullyW · 23/04/2024 15:27

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 23/04/2024 22:06

So she’s lost someone and you dramatically say you want to die…

Yet you’re only thinking about your feelings 🙄

thebestinterest · 23/04/2024 22:06

IF you feel like you have to watch every word you say, and it’s taking a toll on your mental health, MATE! Move on.

it may help to know that it’s best to couple with others who share our sense of humor. Whether that’s friends, or romantic partners.

LooneyLiberalSpaceWaster · 23/04/2024 22:08

How did you say "I just want to die" in a "I wish the ground could swallow me up, because I'm so stooopid" sort of way or did you say it in an ernest taken at face value sort of way?

I think I've used the phrase "I just wanted to die" when retrospectively speaking about a fuck up, or embarrassment, but to say it to someone in a way that suggests you actually want to die seems emotionally immature in the context you've placed it.

Nanaof1 · 23/04/2024 22:10

Time4achangeithink · 23/04/2024 22:06

This is very similar to another thread where the op claims her partner said these words but the scenario was different.. 🤔 interesting...

Do you have a link to that thread, please?

Noseybookworm · 23/04/2024 22:13

To be honest, someone saying I want to die over an argument is emotional blackmail and very manipulative. You really need to take a long hard look at why you said that and possibly your communication in general? It sounds like she's been backing off in recent weeks and this might just be the final straw for her. Leave her alone and if she wants to contact you again, she will.

Pookerrod · 23/04/2024 22:17

SullyW · 23/04/2024 15:43

i'm in my 30s. we both have a dark sense of humour but when we are alone, i showed that on a night out and apologised. she would have been fine with this joke if we were alone. she got embarrassed and i'm sorry

she said she would have forgotten that quickly if i had not made the stupid comment about wanting to die but i was very tired, emotional and did not mean it. to lose a relationship over this seems so big

to lose a relationship over this seems so big

If you do lose this relationship, it’s not just over this. As with many reasons why a relationship ends, it’s the straw that broke the camels back. The dishes next to the dishwasher etc etc.

In the one episode alone, you embarrassed her in front of work colleagues, divulged private, personal information and flippantly made a comment about suicide when challenged and she has recently lost someone close to her.

I would hazard a guess that there are more times than just this one evening over the past 15 months.

Pheasantsmate · 23/04/2024 22:27

SullyW · 23/04/2024 21:20

im happy to apologise (and i have many times now) but this has made me self doubt myself a lot. i gave a lot of good times and we were good together until she seemed to shut down in recent weeks. she was very up and down lately. i made a mistake but im willing to do whatever i can to fix it (if im let)

It should make you doubt yourself. You are so wrong on this it’s unbelievable.

Original poster
SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:32

i have been seeing a therapist and i spoke about how it felt like an out of body experience, i just said something stupid and im remorseful and wish i could explain

i haven't harassed, just sent two messages apologising and asking to meet. i can see she is online so i know what is happening

OP posts:
kkloo · 23/04/2024 22:37

SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:32

i have been seeing a therapist and i spoke about how it felt like an out of body experience, i just said something stupid and im remorseful and wish i could explain

i haven't harassed, just sent two messages apologising and asking to meet. i can see she is online so i know what is happening

Can you describe more instances which led to you feeling like you were walking on eggshells?

bluegreygreen · 23/04/2024 22:39

she seemed to shut down in recent weeks

Maybe something to do with having recently lost someone?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/04/2024 22:41

' i haven't harassed, just sent two messages apologising and asking to meet. '

some people would find 2 messages is one message too many

' i can see she is online so i know what is happening '

oh dear, that is not healthy, some people could think you are watching / following / spying on her.

some people would believe / think / feel you are harassing her...

MrsSchrute · 23/04/2024 22:42

SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:32

i have been seeing a therapist and i spoke about how it felt like an out of body experience, i just said something stupid and im remorseful and wish i could explain

i haven't harassed, just sent two messages apologising and asking to meet. i can see she is online so i know what is happening

It doesn't seem like she wants to meet up. Whether or not you think that is fair doesn't matter, I would focus on moving on and not contact her again.

Original poster
SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:43

kkloo · 23/04/2024 22:37

Can you describe more instances which led to you feeling like you were walking on eggshells?

Show quote history

if i dont get in touch enough. if i dont ask about a specific event (example work stress). if i prioritise something in my own life it feels like a conversation always comes after

OP posts:
Original poster
SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:44

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/04/2024 22:41

' i haven't harassed, just sent two messages apologising and asking to meet. '

some people would find 2 messages is one message too many

' i can see she is online so i know what is happening '

oh dear, that is not healthy, some people could think you are watching / following / spying on her.

some people would believe / think / feel you are harassing her...

ok fair enough, i could see that but i wanted to show she was on my mind and not step away after one message

OP posts:
kkloo · 23/04/2024 22:45

SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:43

if i dont get in touch enough. if i dont ask about a specific event (example work stress). if i prioritise something in my own life it feels like a conversation always comes after

Show quote history

Would you feel like she applies different standards to herself than to you?

Chirawehaha · 23/04/2024 22:46

SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:43

if i dont get in touch enough. if i dont ask about a specific event (example work stress). if i prioritise something in my own life it feels like a conversation always comes after

Show quote history

You’re being very vague. Is there a reason for that?

ArcaneWireless · 23/04/2024 22:48

i can see she is online so i know what is happening

Honestly. For her sake and your own, stop this.

Leave her be.

Original poster
SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:50

i think people are slightly unfair thinking after two/three days i find it easy to just give up and move on. its going to take me longer but i wont message her

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 23/04/2024 22:54

Leave the poor woman alone! She’s said it is unacceptable and she doesn’t want to engage with you.

You’ve messed up then immediately positioned yourself as the victim with your “I want to die” stuff. She isn’t engaging with that, so respect her boundaries and back off.

If she has any interest in seeing you again, she’ll be in touch.

Aria999 · 23/04/2024 22:57

Your posts on this thread give the impression that with you everything is always about your own feelings. You don't seem to care very much how she feels except as it impacts you.

Original poster
SullyW · 23/04/2024 23:01

kkloo · 23/04/2024 22:45

Would you feel like she applies different standards to herself than to you?

Show quote history

she herself describes herself as sensitive and needy and i am someone who needs more time to myself. she is always busy, always social. i am more than happy to live a more slow paced life/relationship life

OP posts:
BouncebackBetty · 23/04/2024 23:01

I think some replies have been a bit harsh. Yes, it's a stupid thing to say and it smells of self pity and guilt but OP is sorry, acknowledges they've done something wrong and we don't know how the partner treats OP the rest of the time.
It sounds to me a bit like the OP is under the thumb most of the time and the feeling of walking on eggshells is a process that happens over time.

5128gap · 23/04/2024 23:01

SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:50

i think people are slightly unfair thinking after two/three days i find it easy to just give up and move on. its going to take me longer but i wont message her

You will obviously take longer than 3 days to emotionally recover from the end of a relationship you wanted to continue. But, you MUST 'give up and move on' in the practical sense immediately the other person tells you it's over. There really isn't a grace period when it's OK to keep messaging/watching them on SM.
One message to say you don't want to end it and feel free to contact you if she changes her mind should have been the absolute maximum. Repeated apologies and persuasion is simply being a nuisance. It also looks desperate and that's never helpful. You've made it clear where you stand. If she wants you back she knows where you are. But given you had your own issues with her, it's probably for the best if you're not together.

Francisflute · 23/04/2024 23:02

I think you need to back off.

What you said was wrong. It was manipulative (to shut down her displeasure) and really inappropriate to say to a bereaved person.

It sounds like you also spoke out of turn and at your age should really have known better than to repeat a personal conversation, irreverent, about her difficult boss in public

CucumberBagel · 23/04/2024 23:04

SullyW · 23/04/2024 22:32

i have been seeing a therapist and i spoke about how it felt like an out of body experience, i just said something stupid and im remorseful and wish i could explain

i haven't harassed, just sent two messages apologising and asking to meet. i can see she is online so i know what is happening

"an out of body experience".

Wow, you are really committed to the whole 'not taking any personal responsibility' thing.