I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

To be honest I've had someone telling me they want ti kill themselves if I argued with them and its emotional manipulation. Sounds to me like she's seen a red flag and she is running. She'll either contact you or se won't but don't keep calling it just compounds issue. What did you do say in front of her mates? That might give you your answer.

Out of the two of you, you sound a bit more dramatic...

She’s allowed to not want to date you. Accept it and move on, you don’t sound like a good match, stop harassing the woman!

Yes.
He does not sound ready for a relationship at all to be honest.
There are very few women in this world who would accept the level of neediness he shows on this thread and even fewer who should.

Having been in a relationship where my ex GF would repeatedly say she wanted to die whenever I brought up issues, I can see why your GF is doing what she is. There is never any excuse to levy that kind of emotional blackmail at another person for raising an issue they have with the relationship.

@Sweden99 the OP is a woman in a lesbian relationship. Please kindly stop erasing us, lesbians are women.

You do not sound suited.
If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, what is the point?
Just move on to another person better matched to you.

if i dont get in touch enough. if i dont ask about a specific event (example work stress). if i prioritise something in my own life it feels like a conversation always comes after

So why do you describe her decision to end it as 'losing 15 months of good times'?

They don't sound like good times, not really. It's not normal or healthy to have these issues in a good relationship, let alone only a year in.

Your behaviour (publicly betraying her confidence then making her reaction all about you with a strange and manipulative suicidal comment, all while she's dealing with grief) has been outrageous.

Let her go, she's made it clear she wants you to. You aren't the arbiter of what's fair or not. She would say it isn't fair to humiliate her in front of her friends then mention suicide when she pulls you up on it. And that it isn't fair to expect her to continue the relationship despite this.

She doesn't need a reason to end the relationship. You aren't owed one, But in this case, she does have good reason.

It’s in the OP!

So from the ex-GFs view in the 15 months you have been together:

• You initially wouldn't commit, to the extent counseling was suggested
• She has communicated issues where she feels you don't take an interest in things important to her
• She has communicated issues where she feels you have prioritised yourself over her
• You have inappropriately shared info with her work colleagues as a joke,
• When addressing the latest issue you said you wanted to die, to shut her down
• You've belittled her (sensitive, dramatic) whilst minimising your own actions (put of body experience, tired, emotional, throwaway comment)

This clearly hasn't been working for some time. Let her go, work on yourself.

thank you. i swear i have been working on myself but it can feel it's getting nowhere. i wish her and i could have a fresh start, she has put such effort into her and i. she has forgiven a lot but she won't (im not saying she should) forget and it can feel quite hurtful to have my mistakes pointed out time and time again

i have spent months feeling as though she was just suddenly going to drop me due to a mistake. its as if she holds it over my head and now it's finally happened

Why did you come to Mumsnet?

So this relationship was not particularly happy for you? No one should be living in fear of a mistake. Isn't it better to move on and find someone you're better suited to?

The idea of being in a couple is so you can be comfortable together, be content together.

This relationship isn’t working- you are unhappy and afraid of making mistakes. She is frustrated you aren’t who she wants you to be.

She’s done the right thing, move on and find someone you are better suited to.

Op what is this? Do you even like her, all your posts are a drip feed about how shit she is and it’s all her fault and you just made a silly mistake

Good god. She’s a woman. Don’t make assumptions.

i do like her, i love her but i want to understand my mistakes and work on myself so she can forgive the mistakes. it's not fun at all waiting for those mistakes to be pointed out again

She doesn’t have to forgive you. She doesn’t belong to you. It isn’t working.

MY advice is for you right now is to leave this relationship, to keep going with the therapy and work on yourself. You might also ask your therapist if you can explore the Karpman Drama Triangle, and the possibility that one of your parents is a narcissist.

If you look at the list posted by GreyBlackLove, the patterns of your behaviour are not ones that anyone would expect to see in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.

The idea of working on yourself isn’t to get her back. It’s so you are in a better position for the next relationship.

I don't think that this relationship was the right one for you.

Concentrate on other things for a while and then start looking for new friendships/relationships.

I think that you would gain immensely from talking to someone in a professional capacity and that doing so would help you with relationships in the future.

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

thank you @TheSquareMile i have been speaking with a therapist for almost a year now

I wonder whether the therapist you are seeing is really helping you. A good therapist would be supporting you through this, but you come across as someone with very little support in her life.

Could you speak to your GP about what else might be available to you?

I am assuming that you live in the UK, which might not actually be the case.

Maybe look for a different therapist then, as these are basic concepts in respecting and caring for other people that you don't seem to have grasped. Or do you spend all your sessions talking about your sensitive, dramatic girlfriend and how she has boundaries which is just so unfair to you.