I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you. In your first post you said you feel like you are walking on eggshells and that your self esteem has suffered, is that in general or just after this last event?

She's got the ick. No wonder. You're coming across as the needy one here btw. You've told her what you are like early on, she's listened.

@TheSmallAssassin it has been happening over the course of the relationship. not saying its her fault, i made some pretty big mistakes early on and then went to counselling on her advice. it has helped but she still likes to poke at me to remind me of the mistakes i made

What were those mistakes?

i was avoidant and didnt want to commit. i got fearful when things were moving fast

I don’t think it’s nice she made you feel like shit for making a joke. Ok it might have been not a funny joke to her but your intention was from a good place with the joke and you’ve apologised. She should move on. Making you feel awful and silent treatment is narcissistic- you did something that upset her by mistake with good intentions. She’s purposely doing this knowing it’s making you suffer- not cool. Maybe you’ll have a lucky escape. Yeah the comment saying I want to die is extreme but I’m guessing it was a fly away comment like I want the ground to swallow me up rather than actual intent and manipulation. I’d seriously consider her behaviour, not yours. You shouldn’t be walking on egg shells around anyone x

It sounds like she ended the relationship and cut contact.

Sorry if I have got that wrong, but if it's right then that is not 'silent treatment'

@Aria999 she hung up and then next day said it wasnt ok to say what i said. i apologised. she didnt end it but we havent spoken since in those three days

@Thepinkyponkc thank you. it was a fly away comment. sometimes i feel she loves to have something to be dramatic about

I feel like it depends on how you said it. "I'm sorry, I want to die" in regret/mortification just as a throwaway phrase = 100% ok. "I want to die" as miserable depressed threat = 100% not ok

Also you should've taken out genders.. Once people here assume you're a man they'd pretty much be TELLING you to go die lol

nope nope nope! Huge red flag. You’re dumped dude.

too much risk continuing the relationship, you might be pulling the abusive suicidal card at another point.

and I’m guessing the joke was bad.

Some people have legit mental Health issues and should get some help. You should if that’s you. But you don’t use it again a partner.

I feel like she’s punishing you. I have social anxiety and sometimes can say the wrong thing in a group or I don’t think before I speak. If that was the case I just babble and I’m nervous and I say stuff - without any malicious intent. If this was the case with you then I would question whether she’s right for you. Also to give you silent treatment and punish you like a child- no thanks. No one has the right to make you feel like shit - imagine going into the future with this feeling making you feel sick in your stomach and not being able to relax. Ugh 😣 run away yourself!!

Do you often dismiss her feelings as her finding something to be dramatic about?

Honestly every post you make just makes you sound worse, I'm astonished there are people on this thread acting like you've had a lucky escape. In 15 months you've fucked up enough at the beginning of the relationship that therapy was considered necessary, messed her about with "fear of commitment", upset her during arguments with "clumsy words", embarrassed her in front of her friends by sharing something she didn't want shared "as a joke", and told her you want to die when she's rightly been upset with you rather than take responsibility for any of your actions.

The depths at which women on this website will bury their bars continues to amaze me.

nobody's saying you need to be over it. They're saying you need to accept her wishes and back off a bit.

@SullyW

I think that it would probably help you to immerse yourself in other things for the time being, your job, studies etc.

Line up some nice things for yourself for the next few weeks.

Dwelling on what has happened is going to make you feel even more upset.

Are you working at the moment or studying?

I get the feeling that time out from relationships wouldn't be a bad thing for you at the moment.

Yeah, because embarrassing your gf, breaking her confidence, and telling her you want to die is so super chill.

Imagine getting upset about those things! She does sound "sensitive" and "dramatic". Be sure to use those words with your next gf so she'll know all about your crazy ex.

I think people are slightly unfair thinking after two/three days i find it easy to just give up and move on. its going to take me longer but i wont message

I don’t think anyone says it’s going to be easy to give up and move on after a few days. It will be very hard but at this stage I think you are going to need to start dealing with the fact that it’s over. The last meeting sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. There’s only so much that many people will tolerate and if there’s a history of needs and expectations not being met, then there comes the point when the last resort has been reached.

😆😆😆 Seriously?!

OP - you are well rid of this woman. There’s nothing worse than having to watch what you say the entire time because you never know when the next big blow-up is coming.

Why the hell are you chasing her? There’s nothing you can do, let her know you’re sorry (which you’ve done) then leave her alone. If she wants you, she will come to you, but by texting and begging her you just look obsessed and she will know she can wrap you round her finger. At worst you’re showing you don’t respect her wishes or boundaries.

On a seperate point, why did you think it acceptable to say you wanted to die? Grow up, that’s horribly manipulative. If you do things like that a lot then maybe you’re just not a good match and should just call it a day.

Jesus, this isn't making you sound any better.

You made bad mistakes.
She suggested therapy
But you thought you were walking on eggshells all the time apart from the fact you admit you made some bad mistakes
Yet this breakup has come totally out of the blue
And you are left bewildered by just making one mistake you want to explain to her
Despite the fact you admit to embarrassing her in front of her friends, being insensitive about the bereavement apart from saying you wanted to kill yourself.

Read your own posts back to yourself.

I'm cheering this woman on for dropping you and ghosting you at this point.

Glad it's not just me who is hearing 'my crazy ex's loud and clear.

You describe her as (over) sensitive and say she likes drama. You see this as negative and causing her to overreact to the two times you said things that caused upset. Yet you can’t see any negative to your own (as you yourself described feeling emotional and blurting your suicidal threat/joke? out) emotional outburst. If it was flippant black humour it’s both dramatic and like what a stroppy teenager might say.

Also, getting drunk and bringing up a dream in front of her friends seems plenty dramatic to me.

All I’m saying is maybe you do need to see it from her side more without minimising how she feels.

I don't know about 'unreasonable' but you are not suited to each other!

You feel 'on eggshells' or as if you want to die. (Why would you want this to continue?)

She is so fed up with your behaviour that she doesn't want to see or speak to you. (No doubt she feels as bad as you do.)

Time to move on.

Two of my immediate family members killed themselves.
If you said “I want to die” so cavalierly to me, I’d never speak to you again.
Maybe I’m touchy, or maybe you should think before you speak.
Tomato - tomahto, I still would never speak to you again.

You signalled that you would be an emotional burden rather than an emotional support. It is the equivalent of showing that you are looking for someone to support you physically of financially, it is not attractive.
You buggered up. That you are having a hard time getting over it also suggests you have not grown up fully.
There will be women who positively want to be the main earner, a physical support or an emotional support to a man in their life, but it will be a msall niche.
I suspect you are on Mumsnet as you know that most men would be even less sympathetic to you.