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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner going on holiday with sister

316 replies

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:24

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/04/2024 23:04

She chooses to not have a partner

How do you know this, @AnonymousB95 ?

BruFord · 23/04/2024 23:07

@Harara I agree that not everything needs to be or should be about couples. My DH went on a four-day jolly a couple of weeks ago and I’m also going away with friends in a few weeks.

I think this is more about the fact that the OP and the SIL aren’t comfortable with each other. It may not be as strong as actual dislike, but they clearly don’t get on well. That’s why this is pissing the OP off. She probably couldn’t mind if she and the SIL were friendly.

Anele22 · 23/04/2024 23:14

I don’t think I’d be happy about this either OP. It’s the fact that it’s been 3 years running, not just a one off. That seems excessive. Nice if they have a good relationship but you hinted at her being cold to you. And then you get left behind. I can see why you’re uncomfortable.

ClareBlue · 23/04/2024 23:19

pikkumyy77 · 23/04/2024 16:14

I think posters are very overly sentimental and naive about this brother/sister bond. If she were not a relative I think people would see what is fairly obvious which is that the brother and sister are having an “emotional affair” (in scare quotes because it is a bit shocking to say it I suppose). As between siblings its also called covert incest.

OP sees these trips as a bit too romantic and intimate and sees them as encroaching on her relationship. I don’t think she is wrong. I also think the wealth disparity and the sister treating her brother as thoygh he is singlle is insulting.

I should day thatI am very close to my older brother and would think nothing of treating him or being treated. However I would think it inappropriate, unfair, and rude to exclude my sister in law or my dh from an expensive treat that would displace family time—like a trip to Paris with him which meant he didn’t go with his wife? That is some weird, unhealthy, competitive shit.

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 23/04/2024 23:43

You're jealous of their relationship because you can't afford the type of holidays his sister is somehow able to afford, you would rather if you couldn't have it, neither should he as he is YOUR partner. I think you know YABVU.

therealcookiemonster · 24/04/2024 03:37

I feel really sad for the posters on here having such a negative response to the concept of a loving sibling relationship

there is no hierarchy of love. there are different types of love. if any of your loved ones resents you spending time with others who you love, then it's time to re-examine that relationship.

not everyone is lucky enough to have a close sibling or even parent relationship. I imagine not seeing it modelled or experiencing it in one's own life can make someone judgemental when others do.

there might be more to OPs situation if sister is standoffish to her, but could just be that she senses negativity from OP.

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2024 06:12

Sounds like he's got all the women in his life fussing over him, pandering to him and organising his life for him.

No wonder he loves it.

I'd be pissed off with myself for being part of it and I'd be wondering if that's someone who I could have an equal relationship with and who would step up when needed. If I wanted children, I'd be especially worried what kind of father he'd make when he's so used to being the baby himself.

pictoosh · 24/04/2024 06:43

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2024 06:12

Sounds like he's got all the women in his life fussing over him, pandering to him and organising his life for him.

No wonder he loves it.

I'd be pissed off with myself for being part of it and I'd be wondering if that's someone who I could have an equal relationship with and who would step up when needed. If I wanted children, I'd be especially worried what kind of father he'd make when he's so used to being the baby himself.

Sounds like you've just invented a persona for him then posted as though it were real.

NecessaryNC24 · 24/04/2024 08:49

ViaMargutta · 23/04/2024 19:58

Jesus, it's like a parallel universe here sometimes.

I have a brother, also younger than me, we're also very close and always been. Both with partners. I go on holidays with my brother, alone, with my friends, with the whole family without partners, the whole family with partners, or just with partner. It varies. But yea, we go somewhere just my brother and me at least once a year or more, if it's city breaks. And... (whispers) we've been to both Paris AND Italy..

Never in my whole life have I heard anyone saying we probs want to shag each other, it's not normal, covert incest (or whatever the hell), 'emotional affair' or some such shit. We're brother and sister, ffs, how is shagging even entering some peoples minds?

If my partner tried telling me our sibling holidays are abnormal, he'd go in the bin faster than he could utter 'Paris'. I have had plenty of relationships (and might have more in the future), but only one brother.

Great post.

StopStartStop · 24/04/2024 09:15

pictoosh · 23/04/2024 20:59

Says a lot more about you than them.

Show quote history

I'm a grown-up, pictoosh. You can hold the 'na-na-na-na-na'. Or keep going with it. Up to you.

NewWater · 24/04/2024 12:01

ClareBlue · 23/04/2024 23:19

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

Show quote history

It is truly astonishing people think like this. I mean, this is one of the most intriguing things I've ever read on here. It's like finding something under a rock.

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2024 12:32

pictoosh · 24/04/2024 06:43

Sounds like you've just invented a persona for him then posted as though it were real.

Show quote history

I've formed an opinion based on the available information.

That's how this works.

Parkerpenny · 24/04/2024 12:41

I would be sad not to share those experiences with my partner if he was experiencing them with someone else.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 24/04/2024 12:43

She's known him and loved him longer than you have.

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2024 13:58

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

How is a once a year trip excluding OP and how is it intimate?!

I also think it’s odd that you mention a power balance because the sister pays for her brother to accompany her. It is not out of the ordinary for a family member to pay for another family member to accompany them on a trip.

It seems to me some posters are making this out as a problem because it’s his sister but if it was his brother, would be perfectly ok with it.

Flapearedknave · 24/04/2024 14:00

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2024 13:58

Agree. I think all this 'it's lovely they are so close' misses the point. These are significant trips that create intimate memories and the power balance is all wrong with her paying for everything. OP obviously feels it's too intimate and excluding her. We always say to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

How is a once a year trip excluding OP and how is it intimate?!

I also think it’s odd that you mention a power balance because the sister pays for her brother to accompany her. It is not out of the ordinary for a family member to pay for another family member to accompany them on a trip.

It seems to me some posters are making this out as a problem because it’s his sister but if it was his brother, would be perfectly ok with it.

Yep, nobody has answered if they would be fine if it was a brother. And we all know why.

Ohwellithappens · 24/04/2024 14:15

I completely understand your feeling OP. I had a bf who had a best friend who did the same. It felt as though I was being excluded and that they were off creating memories. In your case it's like your partner is his sister's surrogate plus one. It's not jealousy it's a feeling that this relationship is in a bit of a grey area... ultimately the sister could invite you for some or part of the trip. She has sisters does she go on holidays with just one of them?

Harara · 24/04/2024 14:31

Ohwellithappens · 24/04/2024 14:15

I completely understand your feeling OP. I had a bf who had a best friend who did the same. It felt as though I was being excluded and that they were off creating memories. In your case it's like your partner is his sister's surrogate plus one. It's not jealousy it's a feeling that this relationship is in a bit of a grey area... ultimately the sister could invite you for some or part of the trip. She has sisters does she go on holidays with just one of them?

I’m so creeped out by the idea that if you’re in a couple, your partner should never be creating a single memory that doesn’t involve you.

Testina · 24/04/2024 14:57

@Ohwellithappens “had a bf who had a best friend who did the same”

The same? So a few days per year your boyfriend went away with his best friend?

mindutopia · 24/04/2024 15:02

Dh goes away every year with BIL. It's fine. It means I don't have to entertain BIL at my house or entertain him and SIL. This year they are taking eldest dd with them and off to France in the summer holidays. It's great, I just like having the option not to go.

But I would be annoyed if it prevented us from also having a holiday. We have plenty of time together and we can go away on holiday if we wanted to (logistics with work, pets, farm, school term make it difficult). But the difficulties are not because he is going away with BIL. In fact, I go on holiday myself without dh too.

anon4net · 24/04/2024 16:04

There is nothing wrong with them going away together
There is nothing wrong with where they are going
Your s/o should help plan your holidays together and communicate about dates

I have a friend who goes away with her brother every year- USA, Canada, Australia, Europe. They are very close and both sort of took longer to find their way in life. Both have developed very full lives and one is a doting parent now - since then the trips seem to have reduced in time to a week b/c of other responsibilities but they still go. They are close to their parents too. Grew up very very poor and had a family tragedy that sadly meant their cousins died young. I think it created a very special bond and a reminder that life isn't guaranteed.

I'd love if my dc did this as adults. Your sibling relationships are typically the longest relationships you will ever have.

Tiredmuchly43 · 24/04/2024 18:22

Just wondering if you would feel the same if it was a brother he was going with?

RadRoach · 24/04/2024 18:34

Tiredmuchly43 · 24/04/2024 18:22

Just wondering if you would feel the same if it was a brother he was going with?

I think we know the answer is no.

Lots of creepy and controlling women on here.

VictoriaEra2 · 24/04/2024 19:03

TheCultureHusks · 23/04/2024 15:28

No. I wouldn’t be ok with this - I don’t want a relationship where my SO is utterly upfront about prioritising his relationships and plans with his birth family over me/us.

8 years. Are you thinking marriage/children? Never do this with someone who doesn’t see you as their main priority and your relationship as his primary loyalty.

I agree with this. I think I’d feel
a little sidelined - especially in the fact that they buy him what he needs.

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2024 19:06

mindutopia · 24/04/2024 15:02

Dh goes away every year with BIL. It's fine. It means I don't have to entertain BIL at my house or entertain him and SIL. This year they are taking eldest dd with them and off to France in the summer holidays. It's great, I just like having the option not to go.

But I would be annoyed if it prevented us from also having a holiday. We have plenty of time together and we can go away on holiday if we wanted to (logistics with work, pets, farm, school term make it difficult). But the difficulties are not because he is going away with BIL. In fact, I go on holiday myself without dh too.

But I would be annoyed if it prevented us from also having a holiday.

It’s not really preventing OP from having a holiday . OP was looking into these dates and her DP wasn’t helping her plan a holiday. OP doesn’t say that her SIL knew this beforehand and if SIL did, she would have found out from her brother.

Her DP is the real issue here but she rather blame his sister.

The holiday thing seems more like it’s not really about the holiday but about his relationship with the women in his family and how it makes OP uncomfortable.

They’ve been together eight years so they likely have gone on holiday at some point and if so, why not? His sister has been only taking him on a trip once a year for three years so wonder what holidays they were going on in the three years before.