Partner going on holiday with sister

[AnonymousB95]

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

FWIW, I think it’s a bit odd. Maybe include u every 2nd or 3rd trip would be more inclusive. She is treating him like her partner. If she had a partner/ children she wouldn’t be bringing your other half on all these trips. Does he ever say ‘no’ to her?

Apart from the dates issue this time, I wouldn't have any problem with this at all. It's great for family to be close and it's only a dew days a year. Xx

How would you feel if it were a brother instead?

What would your feelings be on two sisters going on these breaks together?

If she had a partner/ children she wouldn’t be bringing your other half on all these trips.

Bet she would. Having a partner, children, or both doesn’t stop many people from travelling with their parents and siblings alone.

Says who? I have a partner (and children) and take a short trip with my brother most years. I also periodically take trips with girlfriends, and my DH does the same with his friends on occasion.

OP has said her partner & his sister have take a trip once a year for a few days starting 3 years ago (so they've done this twice so far). This isn't something they're doing for weeks on end or every weekend, and it's perfectly reasonable for partners to take one short trip per year separately.

Maybe the older sister is actually his biological mother and that is where resentment towards his partner is coming from. It is not that unusual a situation.

Maybe she is his mother?

Two siblings have daily contact and like to spend a few days together each year.

“Maybe they’re fucking”
”Maybe she’s his mum”

Fruit loops.

Agree* *@Harara . I think part of the issue stems from this recent concept of "making memories", which nowadays seems more important than just enjoying the moment.

I've been fortunate enough to visit quite a few places multiple times, with different groups of people at different stages in my life. None of the trips were "better" than the others and none stopped me enjoying subsequent ones any less!

Hi the way I'm reading this - you don't come from a close family so this wouldn't be something you'd naturally do with you sibling. So you're not on the same page. Maybe you're a bit envious he has this, especially as they're gong on quite fancy trips. I don't think you can do much about this other than be gracious about it. Lucky him! The other thing that's bothering you is your feeling that these trips are so high on his list of priorities that he doesn't check with you first. So I guess you could work on making sure he prioritises comms with you while being glad for him that he has these treats.

I don't think it's the women on here that are creepy and controlling...
OP has said the trips are extravagant ones and include cruises..
I would hazard a guess if the sister had a partner she wouldn't be so keen on the annual brother trip.

This place is on another level sometimes.

OP has said the trips are extravagant ones and include cruises..

Which she hasn’t been particularly clear on how they are extravagant other than naming places that many go to all the time and it has only been two trips so far with a third planned this year and they are a few days.

A few days out of 365 to do a trip with a sibling is really not that far fetched or would be a definite no if they had a partner and/or children.

I would hazard a guess if the sister had a partner she wouldn't be so keen on the annual brother trip.
Perhaps, perhaps not - others on the thread, with partners, still go on trips with their siblings.

The OP’s partner has been on two trips with his sister, each lasting a few days. I don’t know why the “extravagance” is an issue - people like to travel to nice places. I’d probably think it odder if they were going camping in Skegness or to a youth hostel in Birmingham.

(no particular disrespect intended to those two towns/cities!)

Plan yourself a nice little vacation while you’re husband is away.

I think YANBU because if you are involved in the planning you'd think your partner would at least, ONE time at LEAST, ask his sister to invite you. Even if just once. That he doesn't even think to ask that you be invited, only one time, doesn't show him up in a good light. He is thoughtless and he USES you. You're not married so to be honest, I'd throw him back in the sea and walk. Do you want to spend the rest of your life going through this, year in, year out, year after year after year? Seriously, I'd walk now. Before children are involved.

Why do people post on a forum asking if there being unreasonable if their not willing to accept the answer? Pretty clear you just wanted validation.

It's a frightening place here sometimes.

Op actually changed her position based on feedback. At least that’s what I read.

I read an extremely snarky and PA last post from her 🤷‍♀️!

Second post was a kind of drip feed, saying there is lots more. But she's not prepared to tell us.

So frighteningly controlling.

Completely agree with this. I think that you’re getting annoyed with the wrong person.

Did you tell him the dates you were looking at for the trip you were planning? If not, that’s on you, not him and definitely not his sister. If you did tell him, then that’s on him, not her. And why are you getting resentful with her because she makes all the arrangements and he just turns up, when you’re also planning a trip where you’re making all the arrangements and he just turns up? How is there any difference? Or do you think that his family should stop doting on him now because you’re here and you should be the only one spoiling him? No wonder the sister isn’t keen on you.

I think you’re resentful of him that he’s not turning down all of these glamorous trips with her so he can contribute equally to doing those trips with you instead of her. But instead of voicing your resentment to him and telling him that you want him to make more of an effort so you can have those experiences together, it’s easier to blame his sister. Why would you want to acknowledge the fact that you’re dating someone who is used to being the centre of attention and having all the women in his life running around him and doing nice things for him? Because if you acknowledge that, and how upset you are that he automatically assumes that you’ll do the same, rather than him revolving around you sometimes, then you’ve got to admit to yourself that you’re on a hiding to nothing. Do you really think you would become the centre of his world if she stopped the trips and offered him an afternoon in Wetherspoons?

What his sister is doing is spoiling her little brother and possibly using his company so she gets to go to all the places that she wants to go, but doesn’t want to go alone. Yes, it’s unusual, but she’s not doing anything wrong. And neither is he by accepting these trips. It is not her responsibility to distance herself from her brother so you don’t feel insecure with him.

Ask yourself what is missing from your relationship and who’s responsible for contributing it. And then ask yourself whether you can ever see him contributing whatever is lacking in the future. If not, you’re wasting your time.

Hmmm, I read a very sarcastic reply which implied the complete opposite.

Do you mean these places are out of reach financially. I Think for a few days once a year its not a big problem.Can u see if you could stay with your family,maybe arrange a WE in London ,or go out for Dinner with them .Why not get DH involved in holiday plans?

YABU - it’s wonderful that they have a family tradition to go away together. As a fellow older sister, going away with my baby brother and mum was very special to me but has evolved over time with partners and children.
it would be great if they include you, but don’t give him grief for having a relationship with his family outside of you.
he should be planning the trip with you though. most relationships have one planner and one along for the ride, which can work fine as long as both people are on the same page!