Partner going on holiday with sister

[AnonymousB95]

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

I think you know you’re being unreasonable.

you can’t experience it together, it’s not an option is it, so no point getting wound up.
it’s a few days holiday with his sibling once a year.

he should be helping plan joint trips with you though

Come on… your feelings are obviously valid but personally I don’t see an issue with it whatsoever.

If it’s just a few days once a year, I think it’s wonderful and you have the rest of 360 days to plan a holiday with your OH.

TBH I wish my husband would do this with his siblings and I can have a few days to myself albeit with the kids. I think it’s pretty healthy tbh and a lovely thing that he is treated by his sister so extravagantly!

I guess maybe you wished a sibling would do the same for you?!

"He's not her property. He can have 'special times' with other people, including his sister"

He can have special times with anyone he likes, but I for one would feel pretty rotten having so many extravagant special times without my partner being able to enjoy them too.

She is his sister.
She was there first and will always come before any new relationship.
If you can’t handle it, then you need to leave.

Now that is really creepy. A sibling should always come before any new relationship.
Does it also extend to parents?
How about no. Putting their siblings and parents before spouses is how so many in laws end up stamping all over people's boundaries.

That's you isn't it?
We're all different. Some don't mind.

I love my husband but I'm also perfectly capable and willing to have 'special times' with people other than him.
There are no rules.

No, the OP didn’t elaborate, @pictoosh

I assumed that she mentioned it, because it bothers her somehow. She says that she’s close to the rest of the family.

Whereas you and I don’t care much that we’re not tight with our BIL/SIL. We can’t be arsed!

@AnonymousB95 I am not surprised at the response you have had op, I'm more surprised you was expecting anything other then what you got. The reality is (and I really don't know who these other ppl are here) that lots of women would be annoyed. A grown man, with a partner, holidaying with his older sister is absolutely pathetic at their age. She is single, so completely selfish towards you, I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot how these women would feel? Your partner has more regard for his sister then you. Seriously, what stops them inviting you, even once? There is no reason at all to cut you out. I would never dream of imposing on my brother like this year after year with zero regard for his partner. Op, even if you are jealous, they really have given you reason to be. I hate to say this because it's not my place to speak with regards to ending the relationship, that's for you to consider but ask yourself if you want to play 2nd to the sister for the next how ever many years...

Probably standoffish because op thinks her close sibling relationship and their annual trip away is weird. I imagine the disapproval radiates out of her.

Interesting. In our 20s my boyfriend and then DH went on a lot of major holidays with his brother (girlfriend not invited) & sister (resentfully single). They were often subsided by their parents and indeed sometimes joined by a parent for part of a three week trip.

I was not invited because I was too new/no partners/ couldn't afford it in time or money. They were exactly the sort of holidays I would have loved and thrived on.
DH would come back and obviously not want to budget climb a mountain/trek with goats/scubu dive with me because he'd just bloody done it with his bank rolled family and had limited leave.
Looking back at the pictures I'm really quite scathing about it now. A bit jealous but mostly what was the point. SIL eventually got a boyfriend and dropped her siblings, She was hideous to me throughout her 20s &30s until she matched the wedding and two kids, things have warmed now ish.
Of course 30 years on now, I'm still around but no closer to the family than I was all those years ago.they continuously express surprise I was there when they built the extension/went to a funeral/met someone, etc there are various group chats, which I'm not part of despite historically doing the logistics heavy lifting.
It's all sad, so if you want the bigger picture - warm extended family, wedding, kids - this may not be the family for you. I sometimes wish I'd cut my losses but grass isn't always greener so who knows.

Don't also assume the sister is at fault.
We know nothing about either of them.

As we can see from some of the responses on this thread, some women are threatened by other women, even their partner's sister.

That's not the sister's issue is it?

He has more regard for his sister than op? Because he goes on holiday for one weekend a year, presumably leaving 51 weekends for op? MN is truly nuts sometimes. I don't know anyone in rl who would object to a sibling holiday. I go with my sister. My grown up kids go on holiday together. Perfectly normal except on mn.

He does go on holiday with his partner. OP is arranging a holiday right now.

If this is wrong then so is me and my sister having a weekend away every year - but why?

Imagine if it was his brother not his sister, and they were going away for boys weekends. I'm assuming you'd be ok with that.

Would you still be ok with it if they went to Paris and Italy? Why/why not?

Now, can you tell him this.

It sounds like what you want are things like your first trip to Paris, a jaunt to Rome to be as a romantic couple, that these are great holidays where you two should be off making memories and having adventures together in a way that makes your holiday the special one, not for these great experiences to be had on holidays with the sister.

The holiday with the sister should be to somewhere that you don't want to go with him in a couple. You don't want your holidays together to play second fiddle to their holidays together. So that you don't feel like your experiences together are a weak second to the great adventures he has with his sister.

The problem is you don't have the money to do this.

So there aren't that many options you have to do about this.

Do you deny him these holidays?
Could you veto some locations in advance and ask him to ask his sister not to go to these places and then go together as a couple?
But it seems if someone's rich enough they'll still be able to come up with great places to go where you'd want to be the one to go with him, no matter how many places you put on a no go list.

It's only once a year, could you accept this ongoing?

"ohthejoys21
"He's not her property. He can have 'special times' with other people, including his sister"

He can have special times with anyone he likes, but I for one would feel pretty rotten having so many extravagant special times without my partner being able to enjoy them too."

That's you isn't it?
We're all different. Some don't mind.

Well obviously I can only speak for myself not you, or anyone else!

I go away with my uni friends once a year. Doesn't mean I don't prioritise my children and partner.
If he could only afford one holiday and he went with his sister rather than you then that would be out of order but if she is paying then I don't see why it would matter.
Tell him what perfume/ toblerone you want from the airport and get on with other things when they are away.

…if you want the bigger picture - warm extended family, wedding, kids - this may not be the family for you. I sometimes wish I'd cut my losses but grass isn't always greener so who knows.

Interesting point @MotherWaver . On some level, many people have accept that their life partner’s family isn’t going to be quite what they’d hoped for in extended family. My DH’s family is pretty nice, tbh, but even after 20-plus years, I’m aware that in an emergency/difficult situation, I couldn’t count on any of them to help me, or even provide minimal support, like a listening ear. They only help out their original family unit.

If you’re an only like me, you have to rely on friends instead-and luckily I do have some good ones.

i feel a bit sorry for the sister, tbh, it sounds as if she may not have anyone close to her outside her family.

I have a partner, an adult child and may friends, still talk to my sibling everyday and go away together now and again.

When you start to think of this long term @BruFord it's interesting how those bonds get made and sustained.
I'd probably count my ex student landlord and my brother's girlfriend (20 years) amongst my 'in case of emergencies' but it could have been my in-laws if they hadn't been so determined to push for core family only time. I think that's my thoughts OP, if you are likely to be round in 30 years, you need to be part of the holidays now.

As another aside, even now SIL holds the childhood years as really quite sacred, family child stories are repeated at every gathering. But only a rotation of about six, it's generally never deviates, no extra detail or confirmation sort. I feel that I almost lived their childhood, I was there, I've heard them so often.

This particular sister has always been standoffish.
To be fair, I'd be standoffish if someone was suggesting my relationship with my brother was inappropriate.

all these holidays
so many extravagant special times
The holidays started 3 years ago, when he moved out.
They are once a year, and last a few days, according to the OP.
One has just been booked.
So, two, or at most three, trips of a few days each over 3 years.

She said they go on extravagant holidays.

and I also said she should pay for herself.

Being single can be so shit and lonely as you get older and there becomes an unspoken rule that absolutely everything has to be done in couples and if you’re not in a couple you have to either do it alone or as a third wheel. It can also feel really shit being no-one’s priority. I’m glad for your DP’s sister that he isn’t taking this attitude and that he values a non-romantic relationship enough to prioritise it for a few days every year, meaning she gets a nice holiday in congenial company. I wish society was more like this in general. There isn’t actually a reason why absolutely everything has to be about couples. A few days off is taking very little away from you and it probably means a lot to her.

Ewwww no that’s really weird. Definitely just pulled a face at adult brother and sister holidaying together.