Partner going on holiday with sister

[AnonymousB95]

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

She’s doing the planning for their own trip, not the brother/sister one.

From how the OP talks about the sister it’s clear she doesn’t like her, so beyond grabbing a free holiday I don’t know why she would want to go? As the sister is paying for the whole trip the brother asking for someone else to come is also asking for the sister to pay for it which is a big ask particularly when the person you want to bring doesn’t actually like the host.

If they did get on (which they don’t) I would say the best way to handle it if OP wants to go with them would be to preemptively get in there for next year with a suggestion and invite the sister along. But then they’d have to pay for their share

There is nothing at all odd about going to Paris or Italy with your sister! In my 20+ year marriage I have often done trips with my birth family without my husband or child. And some with us all. It's lovely and it doesn't mean I don't prioritise my nuclear family, you can have a few priorities. I think this is more about your issues with the sister.

OP, please ignore the replies on here which say you are jealous or things like ‘it’s nice they spend time together’ 🙄. The situation is not normal and YANBU.
A normal catch up with a sibling would be a few drinks, a lunch, a dinner, not a full-blown holiday.
Some MNs are always quick to shout JEALOUS.
Your partner sounds over reliant on his female relatives, his sister seems to regard him as some sort of surrogate partner, he is happy to leave you behind while he goes off on a jolly, his sister is standoffish and sounds as if she likes to get one over you and she blatantly leaves you out.
if I met a ‘couple’ on a cruise and they said they were brother and sister and they did this regularly I’d think ‘weirdos’.
your final sentence is right: it is odd.

OP is being silly and is also trying to sneakily imply the sister has desires of incest towards her brother.

If OP was smart she’d encourage her partner to get gifts for her on these trips e.g. pretend he really loves expensive Italian handbags and French perfume so sis will indulge him!

Use your jealousy for good OP! lol.

Reads more like she is insecure and uncomfortable with his family dynamic in general and probably expected once he moved out and with her, he would spend less time with his family and that’s not what happened otherwise why be so uncomfortable with him going on a trip with his sister once a year for a few days. There is no money being lost so it isn’t taking away from OP and her DP going on holiday.

So many red flags. Why aren't you invited for a start? He's clearly the baby of the family and expects to be spoilt by women. I'd leave them to it and leave. He will never change. He doesn't prioritise you or your relationship. However... if you decide to stay then I'd get ahead of the curve... book your holiday for next year way in advance of her booking any holidays and ask if she'd like to join you. Or don't... but either way... get in there first

"A normal catch up with a sibling would be a few drinks, a lunch, a dinner, not a full-blown holiday."

According to who? You?
You don't set the bar. You don't even get a say.

Truly...the amount of people, including women, who think their partner is a possession, property, a thing to impose rules on. You work for me now. And I'm not even referring to the OP but the attitudes displayed on this sinister thread. Not even allowed a few days away with a sibling.

Glad I'm not in a relationship with someone like that.

I think it’s a red flag if people aren’t close with their family. I don’t like here that OP isn’t close to hers and now wants to impose that on her partner too.

Did his sister know about the dates of your proposed trip? if she did, I think her behaviour is very inappropriate.

That aside, it sounds like his sister is very lonely and is using her brother as a quasi partner/child with arrested development.

You’re not the one out of line here. His sister is.

Why is this the sister being out of line?

The DP didn't even know the dates, it wasn't in the joint calendar...... is how I read it.

So don't think the sister knew?

Imagine if this was the other way around......

People would not be happy with a man trying to stop a close relationship between his female partner and her family!

My bad, I hadn't appreciated the trips were a few days. Although that's a bit short for a cruise ?
OP describes the trips as extravagant so I haven't gone behind that.

I don't think there is anything wrong with siblings going on trips together, especially since they are only a few days a year.

But, I want to ask the MNers to ponder the thread a bit differently.

*MNers--I (M28) need advice! I have had a GF (26) for the last three years and we have moved in together. Everything is great except for one thing.

Every year, she goes on vacation for 4-5 days with her brother (40). He lives at home and has never married. He organizes and pays for everything and they go first class.

They have been on a few cruises and to Paris and Italy. Maybe I am just jealous and envious that I cannot do these things with my GF yet, but am I totally wrong to feel a bit uneasy about this? *

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So, MNers, what would your response be? A cruise? Sharing a stateroom, a hotel room? Have people asked the OP about them sharing a room or separate?
Does any of the above give you any pause at all?

Feel exactly the same, because I'm not some weirdo who thinks family members going on holiday is akin to incest.

Did the your DP's sister know you were looking at certain dates for you both to go on holiday? I do sympathise my sister's husband has 4 sisters who think the sun shines out of his backside, one in particular is a nightmare. They have caused no end of problems over the years.

As I said upthread, I think this is more about the OP and the SIL not getting on well than him going on these holidays. If the OP liked her SIL, she probably wouldn’t mind the annual holiday.

I reread and I agree with you! Interesting. I guess Op just wanted someone to agree with her. Isn’t that what friends are for?

Well the DP didn't know because it wasn't in the joint calendar.... so I guess not!

I am deeply concerned by the number of people here whose minds leap to incest. Please get a grip.

And no, changing the genders doesn't change my response.

So here's what I'd tell OP's partner or the female partner in your scenario: If you're in a relationship and notice that your partner is trying to weaken your ties to your family and stop you spending time with them on your own, run. It's a giant effing red flag.

It's weird, OP.
I'm sorry others can't see it. You marry / live with someone because you want to be together & share experiences. Mind, I once married into a family like this. I couldn't compare with them. Unhealthy.

What is deeply unhealthy is being so controlling that you don't want your partner to experience anything other than with you.

Trying to stop them spending a few days away fr n you, trying to stop them spending time with their family, because you want them 100% to yourself.

I can see why your relationship didn't work, they had a lucky escape.

You can be together without being joined at the hip.
That is unhealthy

Switching it round makes no difference
It's brother and sister whichever way you look at it.
I am female and used to holiday with my dad
Would you have worried about that?